Father Of 4 Daughters Refuses To Sugarcoat His Instagram Pics, Already Has Almost 1 Million Followers

"To those that think having a child is the end of your social life, to those that think it's all over. To those that believe that being a parent means a complete change in life style - don't ever forget who you are and what you loved doing before your have a small version of yourself to look after. Embrace what you have and involve them in your life. Dont settle. Don't turn things down. Dont become just a parent. You are who you are and having children doesn't mean you should limit yourself or what you want to do, especially it comes to enjoying yourself. You can still smash a festival and be a good parent as demonstrated by my wife @mother_of_daughters . We are living proof!"

"There's bed head & then there's Delilah's bed head, which has apparently taken some kind of performance enhancing drugs. Her 70's style disco bouffon looked like the 3 way love child of don king, an angry box of vipers & a mound of candy floss and it quite literally blocked out the sun. Despite not being called Vidal Sassoon, I'm usually the one that deals with all the girls hair (apparently @mother_of_daughters pulls too much, which I'm sure she's done on purpose just to give me more to do) but today Clemmie took one for the team, took command & did what any self respecting time-poor parent would do - forced a hat over this particular crime against hair styling & sent packing to nursery. They must have had fun removing it only to be confronted by medusa herself. Sorry nursery - There's some clips & a tangle teezer in there somewhere."

"No I did not disregard the instructions & over inflate ottie's armbands with enough helium for her to take off. I did however invoke the right of every father to chuck their off spring as high as physically possible, while @mother_of_daughters watched on with her heart in her mouth before it went into cardiac arrest, packed up its bags & booked into recovery facility to get over the sight of her youngest sticking 2 finger up to Isaac Newton & defying gravity. From what I can tell, the rule is that for every child you have you can throw them 1ft. Anya got the timid 1ft job but Ottie gets the full 4ft treatment everytime and squawks like a fledgling bird & loves it. Aren't dad's just the best (and worst at the same time)."

"Either Delilah is using the fridge to conduct climate simulation training for a nursery day trip up the north face of the Eiger that I don't remember signing the consent form for or I've just caught the person responsible of foot prints in the butter & the constant vanishing of yoghurts, frankfurters, grapes, blueberries and cheese strings. This also explains why she always had a cold stomach and looks permanently guilty. Note to all fridge designers - I need a decent fridge lock and shelves that can't be used and steps. Anyone got any bright ideas to stop the human fridge magnets that doesn't involve gaffer tape?"

"I'll forgive you for thinking this was either a really low grade game of hide and seek or the very sad annual meeting between the only 2 members of the 'National Pavement Appreciation Society', but in fact it was a result of stubborn child not wanting to put a coat on in weather so cold it would have had snowmen reaching for the heated blanket. This horizontal protest was heading no where fast until @mother_of_daughters employed the old tried & tested 'I'll just lie next to this apoplectic child silently and see what happens' technique and sure enough, Ottie's brain overloaded at the sight of an adult on the floor, rebooted into recovery mode and she quickly dusted herself off and rode off into the sun. She still didn't have a coat on, but you take a win where you can in these situations. "

"Much like logical reasoning & a tandruming child, heat & babies don't mix well. This was this morning at a time that most people might call the night but the twins decided it was a perfectly acceptable time to start their, and therefore, our day. I've got home after a night out later than this! (granted, not recently, but still). For those professionals out there, note Clemmie is performing the classic 'iPad over the face' technique to maximise shut eye time while still providing entertainment. I on the other hand have no protection and was forced to stare at the ceiling, listen to fully grown humans in costumes talking like babies (never forget there's a adults inside a teletubby - you'll see it in a whole new light) while getting occasionally face grabbed by sweaty milk covered hands until my alarm went off - it felt like I was bring subjected interrogation torture but I had no answers. "

"Much like Bear Grylls, when the parenting team is cut by 50% for any period of time, you're allowed to do things you wouldn't normal do in order to survive (just with less drinking of my own urine). @mother_of_daughters has been away for 3 days now & although I haven't drastically changed the rules or deliberately sabotaged the routine that's taken longer to construct than the Sagrada Família, I may have created some subsidence in the foundations. It's now ok to get dressed in the play room while eating breakfast. Clothes can be worn for 3 days in a row if desired because it's not worth the argument. Scatter cushions are banished to the floor as they are a complete waste time (especially on the bed), the twins will now only get out of the bath if carried simultaneously like sacks of old potatoes while I whistle the theme tune to block busters (I have literally no idea where that one came from) & bedtime happens when I can get children to stop hiding & lie down. Oh & as a special surprise, the twins will now only refer to their mother as 'Clemmie' because I trained them to - ok, that change was just for my own entertainment. "

"This is a long one, but it's worth it so bear with me. Day 6 & my parents are driving across the country to come & provide a helping hand. Having been on our own for so long, I've been running food stocks at bare minimum levels but after gazing into the fridge this morning, it became apparent that unless I wanted to feed my mum & dad cling film wrapped bowls of non descript half eaten meals, out of date yoghurts & veg that was growing new species, we were going to have to do a food shop before they arrived. Hands down the worst experience of the week - Delilah escaped the buggy & while chewing a pack of new Zealand lamb, proceeded to run away from me like a dog that had been stung in the arse by a genetically modified hornet. Minutes later a security guard returned her to me while I pleaded with ottie not to open the yoghurts. She ignored me & proceeded to dip her entire fist into it & do a picasso on the buggy. Oh joy. When we got to the checkout, i proceeded to unload everything from my basket , only to do a 180 & find my 2 Rays of sunshine had got out of their restraints again & were now proceeding to strip quicker than an overenthusiastic nudist on the first day of their holidays - Coats were thrown, wellies were discarded & trousers we round ankles. After members of the public helped load my shopping, i dressed them only for them to then scream solidly for the next 5 minutes without breath as I waited for everything to be scanned. I could actually feel my ass sweating from the stress as all eyes burnt holes in my head. I then forgot my pin number & after struggling to pull together enough cash , I realised I'd bought so much I couldn't carry it home without ripping my fingers to bloody shreds. To top it all, I got home only to realise I'd left the beer I bought on the floor by the tils. As you can imagine, the twins & I aren't talking right now. We need some space."

"I wasn't there, but after this morning, I'm pretty sure this is exactly how the product design meeting went at sudocrem when they first brought the product out:
'Ok guys, i think we can all agree, we can be pretty proud as we have a great product here that all parents will use to protect their kids cherub-like arses, but we don't want to make their lives too easy as we all know they already have way too much time on their hands, so let's brainstorm some ideas to make it more of a hassle than it should be. Doug, got something to say?'
'Yes John, how about we stick a red label on it so children gravitate towards it.'
'Great! I like your blue sky thinking. Any others?'
'Yes, let's make the lid easy for toddlers to open, forget screw caps, just a good pull would do the job.' 'Excellent stuff. But we need more. Anne, your go.'
'Ok, how about making the tub opening just the right size for kids to put their entire hand in'. 'Genius. Now we're cooking on gas. Any others?'
'we should make it absolutely impossible to get off clothes, carpets & fabrics in general'.
'Bob, you've hit the jackpot. Take the rest of the day off and go hit the spa.'"

"You know when you do something & your kids find it so snot bubblingly hilarious that, much like a court jester, you are forever requested to do it over & over & over again just to satisfy the powers that be? About a month ago, I made the mistake of making a den (essentially my legs propping up the duvet) for the Ottie & Delilah to drink their morning milk in. I then shut them in & ticked from the outside. Standard really. They loved it. They loved it so much that they now demand it every morning. The only problem I have with this is that I have now be clocked square in the balls on no less than 3 occasions by a twin who's adapted their bottle from a energy giving vessell of Morning sustainence into a weapon that renders men impotent. The results - a grown man wincing in the fetal position while 2 small girls look on, giggling like saddistic mainiacs while chinking milk bottles - they now think this is part of some kind of slapstick routine which im just thrilled about. What demeaning things are you subjected to in order to entertain little ones?"