Father Of 4 Daughters Refuses To Sugarcoat His Instagram Pics, Has A Massive Following Online (New Pics)

"Here's to all the father's out there. To the fresh faced new dads & the ones who have war stories and experience lines. To the ones who act as human climbing frames, that fix broken things, that know all the lines to kids TV shows & that devour the kids left over food. To father's who strive to set benchmark of what men should be so high, that no future boyfriend's will ever match up. To the fathers who are a shoulder to cry on, not someone to cry about. To the dads that get on with life without making a drama, that stand in the middle of arguments instead of starting them, that counsel and guide the new generation to be better than themselves, that hold hands and give bear hugs that are accompanied with a good dose of beard rash. To the dads who stay at home, to the ones that work & to the ones that don't. To the dad's that tell terrible jokes & are a constant embarrassment to their offspring but see the fun in life, that smile and know that that they are doing their best for the ones they love. To every type of father there is out there - Happy father's Day - be proud you can call yourself 'dad' - it's a true privilege."

"So it seems that if you rip out a bathroom and just leave the bath in the garden because you're too lazy to sell it on eBay and give it enough time, it will become very 'on trend' - I was just 3 years ahead of the curve. Next stop, I'm going put a microwave in the bathroom and a dishwasher in kids bedroom. Watch this space - you'll all be doing it in 5 years time....probably. Seriously though, should I keep the bath in the garden? (I remember once someone ripping into me on my other account for having bath in the garden - I guess some people just have no style..."

"At the grand age of 3, Delilah has had her first holiday romance. But I've not had to worry about where she's secretively snuck off to or who she's holding hands with, because the object of her affections is, in fact, me. Delilah has drowned me in a tusami of love and adulation and for the last 3 days has stuck to me like a shadow with separation anxiety on a really sunny day. We've now spent so much time in extremely close proximity to eachother that even though we dressed separately, we've started to look like mirror images of eachother (if the mirror in question gave you the ability to go back in time & see yourself as a child). So now that I have a mini me, what should we do? Hold the world to random for $100 million dollars obviously (said in a Dr. Evil voice). I wonder if we'll be BFF's back home or if this was just a holiday fling?"

"Making a plan the night before travelling with the family to festival is essentially making an exhaustive list of things that you're destined to fail at, ending in a collection of people related to eachother, crammed in car, all hating eachother. Everyone up by 7am - nope. Every needs to help with the jobs - 3 kids immediately vanish to watch the TV & one goes for a 45 minute shower. Only 1 bag each - we've moved everything we own 4 hours down the motorway. Be out of the house by 10am sharp - We shut the door while mentally signing family divorce papers at 12.30pm because we all hate eachother. No snacking in the car until at least an hour into the journey - all the crisps have been devoured within 3 miles of home. But we're here & despite bringng way too much stuff, everyone is happy, ready to shake off the routine and lose themselves to the music. Bring on @campbestival 2019!"

"Despite donning my battered invisible parenting flack jacket which can deflect most of the stresses of life with children, there is one munition that it's powerless to stop & really should be be made illegal by leaders the world over. The prolonged whinging & whining that eminates for 3 year olds has the ability to cut through you like a surgeons knife & leaves you huddled naked in the foetal position, wishing it would all just stop. That's why this morning, after 3.5 hours of a sustained audio assault of dull droning directed at me for no particular reason, other than the sport of watching a grown man unravel, I found myself wishing I could go back to the simpler days. The days when they would lie in the baby bunk beds I constructed by stacking cribs on top of each other & I could be in their presence without wanting to eat my own ears. I know I shouldnt say this and perhaps this is rose tinted glasses, but I found that baby stage so much easier than the small shouty humans we've got right now. Sorry new parents, I think you've got the easy stage!"

"No, you're not seeing double & you don't need a new glasses prescription - today my twins held another pair of twins and my phantom ovaries basically exploding all over the place. But while I exchanged war stories, tips and tricks with my first-time-parent friends over BBQ food and breast feeding breaks, we couldn't help but wonder: if you have a choice (which you don't), would you rather have twins as your first kids like my friends have or after you've got some kids under your belt like us? There's no right or wrong answer and both have their pros and cons but it's something I've often thought about - have twins first and you haven't nothing to compare it to so you just get on with it. Have twins after having 1 or 2 first and you have the experience but you also have other attention seeking offspring  to look after as well. What do you think's easier? (fyi theres nothing easy about multiples and hats off to the parents of these two - you're doing brilliantly. !)"

"How do you go from pretending to be interested in hearing about the exploits of a Youtuber I've never heard of to struggling to explain gender reassignment surgery & the logistics of how you fashion a vagina out of penis? The answer - Talk to an 8 year old. Marnie is slap bang in the middle of the goldilocks zone of intrigue (much younger and she wouldnt think to ask, much older & she'd think she knew it all) which means in the last week along I've muddled my way through breast cancer, periods, mortgages, the age of the universe, what dreams are, time zones and how electricity is made. I swear If game shows ever run out of random general knowledge questions, they should battery farm the contents of 8 year olds minds as their ability to conjure up queries that leave you feeling thicker than a bank vault door & quietly asking google for the answers whilst on the toilet, is unmatched. Anyone else recently had a conversation with a child & suddenly thought "oh god, I'm out of my depth here, Im at the end of limited knowledge that I got from an article & now I'm talking s**t....""

"What would you do if someone asked you what socks you'd like to wear today? Most normal people would probably pick some socks, right? Not my girls. I can only assume that the twins are dramatically behind on rehearsals for their Vegas show - 'Transparent magic' - as instead of picking socks, Ottie made like a junior contortionist / glamourous assistant, dislocated her spine and hid in a see through box. Then Delilah, the front man of this C grade 2 piece, promptly stood on it, shouted what I assumed were garbled magic words directly at me & waited for her sister to vanish. Hands down the worst trick in history. You can through the box girls. Suffice it to say, the only thing to vanish was my patience and Ottie went to nursery bare foot. "

"After extensive field testing last week, I can confirm 2 things: 1). Sir Isaac Newton was right and despite my best efforts to put Delilah in a lower earth orbit, Gravity does exist - even in France and 2). After 10 years of conducting these types of important holiday based scientific experiments that help push the human race forwards in our quest for advancement, @mother_of_daughters heart still flat lines and all that well earned colour in her skin from lying motionless of a sun lounger drains out of her quicker than a gallon of water poured into an old carrier bag that's just been used for archery practice. You would have thought shed be used to it by now - I'm doing it for the betterment of the human race! (And for the smiles on my daughter's face, obvs)."

"There once was a girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad....her tantrums had the power to boiled the worlds oceans in seconds, force planes to plummet from the skies like gravity propelled lead bullets and level cities to dust as the seismic ripples stretched out from its epic centre. If we were all perfect parents, we'd stop to sympathise and understand, but in reality, this is the point I give up, break out the biscuits and whack on the toddler crack (paw patrol) because frankly, sometimes I just don't have the patience to find out what nonsensical thing has set this small human bomb off. But this got me thinking. Perhaps we should forget nuclear fission or renewable power sources - if we could just harness the raw power given out by a tantruming 3 year old, we could solve the world's energy crisis in an afternoon. All we need is a large play group, some kids that can't share and some toys, but not enough to go around. Infinite energy & Noble prize, here I come! Oh hang, didn't monsters Inc already try something like this? Damn you Pixar!"

"An hour before this picture was taken, we'd had a blazing row over who's turn it was to check the kids home work and why the house looked like a explosion at a homewares outlet. The kids were screaming, no one was helping and it escalated to the point no one wanted to be in each others company. Under these cicumstances, the smallest things are magnified X 100 and it's exerts pressure on all of us. A pressure that can be hard to cope with. Just know that behind closed doors, the vast majority of people struggle in some way or another, it's just a matter of degrees. So here's to those trying to balance it all - don't be too hard on yourself or eachother when you fail. You may hate eachother from time to time, but in end, it's the people around you that will get you through. If you're struggling at all, have a look at my stories from today. I hope it helps. "

"Yes they are painting common house bricks which could be interrupted as lazy parenting, but let me explain. If there's 1 essential lesson I've learnt on this horizonless journey through parenthood, it's that sometimes it's ok to do less. Maybe it's just my girls, but there seems to be a clear inverse relationship between the amount of time I spend flogging myself to death to set up overly engineered dens, prefectly laid out tea parties & Michelin starred play doh restaurants that Giles Coran would rave about, and the time my attention deficient offspring actually play with the fruits of my labour. So that's why I'm now perfectly comfortable plonking a dusty old house brick on a table, letting the twins go to town with the poster paints & walking away - a brick or an empty box seems to trump a prefectly presented teddy bears picnic with matching cutlery any day of the week, so my message to you is - do less and be ok with it - embrace the law of diminishing returns, minimise effort & maximise returns! FYI - The irony of them mixing all the colours into a brown sludge & then paint the brick the same colour as it was before was totally lost of them, but I found it hilarious."

"Keep looking .........keep looking.......now you seem them!  This is just one of the ridiculous bed time routine stages that I seem to have to undertake EVERY NIGHT. Remember those days was you'd hold them in your arms, give them some milk and gaze at the beautiful face as they drifted off to sleep? Rose tinted glasses I'm sure, but over the years, the list of things I have to do to get them to go the f**kin' sleep has grown and now its just stupid. The process goes like this: I pretend that the two girls covered by towels on the floor are rocks and promptly sit on them, then I put them in a cupboard and pretend I don't know where they are and call their names whilst they giggle uncontrollably. Then it's a game of catch with a one eyes polar bear called poley, closely followed by 2 books (one of which HAS to be Where's Wally), then its a game space rockets (where I throw them as close to ceiling as possible -not recommended). Then it's an audio book which they argue about. Finally, hugs & kisses and just as I close the door, they get out of bed and start fighting - like UFC fighting. The whole process takes 60 minutes by which time my dinner is cold and I've lost the will to live. And who do I have to blame? Me. I did this. Its totally my fault because I keep saying yes. ( because I can't say no to playing with them - idiot father)."

""Daddy what do you work at?" Boomed down the voice from up on high. It's Friday and I work from home which means I share my office with a house full of girls that think silence should be extinct. The conference call erupted into stifled laughter as I cursed my inability to hit 'mute' in a timely fashion. The truth is, not one of my girls really knows what I do for a job. For all the know, I could just lock the door and cover myself in ice-cream while singing Mariah Carey songs all day.
Mummy "catches babies", that's easy. Daddy is a lot more vague - "he looks at computers, talks on the phone loudly to people while mouthing the words 'go away' and waving his arms alot, and drinks tea all day." I've even heard clemmie say that I work in HR.....which i don't. I'm basically chandler bing - I'm a transpondster. Is this the case for everyone that works in an office. Is your job indescribable to kids? I bore myself when I describe mine....not exactly inspiring the next generation but it puts food on the table at least!"

"They said it was madness. They said it couldn't be done. They said twins parents were resigned to forever having to deal with kids fights over the who's turn it was sit on daddys shoulders and steer him by his ears / hair. Surely no one person could possibly give a shoulder rider to 2 children at once without assistance, a bionic exoskeleton & a spine made of steel girders that had been cold forged in cryponite. Well I'm here to tell you that they were wrong - and so the potentially Olympic sport of toddler lifting is born. Now excuse me while I look up local chiropractors and lie down "

"Arrhh, the evening routine. 6 months ago this was a simple affair, but since then, I've introduced a complex series of actions that were meant to be 'one offs' to get them to bed, but have instead become staples of the witching hour. If I don't perform, the crowd protests & now it's a nightly variety show that I only have myself to blame for. I once wrapped them both in 1 big towel & carried them in a cotton cocoon quoting the very hungry caterpillar. Big mistake - Now it's a thing. Then I introduced a funny voice for their bed time story. Now it's 1 story each & multiple voices. Then I got duped into nightly shake down that involves 1 vigorous full body rub, followed by a slow rub & a stroke of the face. Then a specific set of nursery rhymes has to be performed by Google as they drink their milk (one has warm & the other cold). then it's lights out. Of course @mother_of_daughters doesn't have a clue about my 'routine' so when they ask for 'one big one', 'A towel cocoon' and 'the rumbly voice' she just stares, pauses and shouts "Simon! I have no idea what they want - why have you made this so complicated?! Just put them to bed and stop hyping them up! Whoops."

"Here's a cost effective & stress free way of keeping the kids cool in the heat. Simply decide to rennovate your house & let builders move in for 7 weeks, covering everything a thin layer of dust that drives your wife insane while you live in 1 room with literally all your belongings. Continue by removing the one working bathroom you have & place all of the contents in the garden. Then wave your wife off to Glastonbury for 4 days & make paint colour decisions without her, knowing that you'll get it wrong & that if your whatsapp her with questions about moles breath vs. elephant dong (not a real colour fyi), you're not likely to get a response. Finally, as your lungs become more plaster than actual human tissue, hose a 2 day garden festival & fill the now alfresco traditional rolltop bath with a hose and let them go to town. In case you hadn't realised, this is neither cost effective nor stress free, but with the sun out, beer in hand & the door to my own domestic Armageddon closed, this almost feels like winning."

"Ahhh, Lego - those little blocks that 1). help make imagination a reality and 2). Cause grown adults to cry like children who've been biten by a pissed off pet hamster when they stand on them. Between the ages of 6 and 10, I spent most of my time in my room building stuff, chuffed that I completed packs meant for ages 12 to 14. I want my girls to have the same sort of childhood I did so I've desperately tried to get them into it, but patience just doesn't seem to be something this generation has. Within 15 minutes, Marnie was project managing from the sofa, leaving me to relive my youth as I waded through a sea of plastic cubes waiting to piece the flesh on the underside of my feet. What did we manage to create in 30 minutes? A mess basically. Do your girls play Lego as mine just don't seem interested."

"There comes a time in every parents life that have to face facts - The pile of baby clothes they've amassed over the last decade of procreation is now redundant as there are simply no more babies to hand them down to. For us, today was that day, so after mopping up the ocean of tears that accompanies this kind of earth shatter revelation, the next thing to do is organise into 3 piles: 1). Charity donations 2). give to friends and family & 3). sell. The only problem is that after 2 hours, every item that i pulled out of the musty bag we haven't seen for 5 years was met with "oh do you remember when she wore that to so & so's summer party?" Honestly, no I don't as in my experience, only the women in my life seem have the ability to remember what people wore at given points in time, but now that item has some kind of inreplacable sentimental value so it's going in pile 4). The keep pile, even though we don't need it. The only thing more frustrating was finding clothes we'd bought only for the kids to grow before they'd worn them. They still had the sodding tags on...... In the end it's all gone but my god, that was as long process!"

"For the last week I basically haven't seen Anya & Marnie, apart from the occasional flash of tanned skin streaking past with a crew of other giggling sugar high tweens or when they needed cash. I was getting frustrated that they didn't want to spend time with us but then @mother_of_daughters quietly asked "remember what you were like on holiday when you were their age?" Then it all came flooding back - playing nervously next to a group of similar aged kids, waiting to be noticed, being invited in and immediately becoming best buddies for life without knowing eachothers name, jumping in the sea, comparing tan lines, eating with other families, begging to leave the table as you'd arrange to meet everyone at the jetty, drinking Fanta like there was a world wide shortage, watching sunsets while trying to catch tiny fish, finding any excuse possible to stay up late and charge around with my friends with absolutely no responsibilities apart from having fun, all while my parents drank & laughed at the bar with their theirs. Then it all ends abruptly in exchanging of friendship bracelets, addresses and teary fair wells as you mourn the ending of your holiday life. It hurts a little know they're so grown up now, but I'm weirdly proud of them for ditching us as it meant they made memories (many of which I'm sure we won't ever know about) and got to live a little . I just wish I was 10 again! What's your best holiday childhood memory?"