“I find myself regarding existence as though from beyond the tomb, from another world; all is strange to me; I am, as it were, outside my own body and individuality; I am depersonalized, detached, cut adrift. Is this madness?… No.”
– Henri-Frédéric Amiel
Have you ever wondered how unreality feels? Have you ever wondered how it feels to feel unreal? To feel completely disconnected from reality? If you do, I'm deeply sorry for you, but if you don't, buckle up and enjoy the ride!
It was a chilly November afternoon when everything started. I was walking home when something hit my brain with the speed of sound. Suddenly, I started questioning if this world is real, or I'm just living in a simulator. I was petrified because I have never experienced something like this before. I thought I was going crazy and my first thought was "I can't go schizophrenic, I just can't". I felt weightlessness in my hands and legs, disorientation, a dream-like state. I was slowly diffusing into non-existence.
Suddenly finding myself imprisoned in the ruins of the fortresses my mind created, I realized I took reality for granted. I felt captive in my own mind and I couldn't get out.
I felt like a veil separated me from everything. The whole world seemed lifeless, dreadful, artificial. I tried my best to climb the wall that was separating me from the outside world but fell back down every time. I tried to listen carefully to every sound - they seemed louder and then...nothing.
I felt like time has stopped for a while and I was living the same moment over and over again - it was an endless carousel and I couldn't get off of it. I was scared, paralyzed by the fear of remaining in that infinite moment, unable to live another one again.
I froze. I closed my eyes and dived deep into the darkest corner of my mind. There was a hill, filled with blue little creatures, faded tress, monochrome circles rolling over the hill and four doors. I felt discombobulated. Why four? Did I have to choose? Or maybe I was supposed to go through all of them. I decided to choose one - the one on which it was written "Reality Check". That was it. I entered the door and felt like someone put me on acid - vibrant colors, thundering sounds, overjoyed silhouettes and suddenly I was back, back on the street.
Back in my own body, but still had my mind trapped.
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Painting is a form of therapy
I painted how derealization feels like, trapped from the outside world.
