911 Operators Share Their Stupidest Calls, And It's Too Embarrassing To Read

Not an operator, but my boyfriend who called in.
He usually worked a late shift, walking home about 2 am. This shift he got off work a few hours late...
BF: I'd like to call and report a fire. [We live in a fire prone area and it was the season.]
911: Where is it located sir?
BF: On the hillside just East of [City].
911: Can you be more specific? [Typing away in the background.]
BF: Yes, [gives a more detailed location]. Oh god, it's getting bigger! The whole top of the hill is on fire now!
911: Stay calm sir, we're sending somebody out.
BF: It's getting bigger! Doesn't anybody else see this?! It's lighting up the sky around it...it's huge! Oh god! Oh...oh, wait...
911: Sir?
BF: I am SO sorry...I'm not usually out this time of night, I just got off work late...that's, that's the sun...
911: ...
BF: I am so, so sorry for wasting your time, there is no fire, that's just the sun rising. Never mind. I'm really embarrassed...
911: That's fine, Sir. I will cancel the call, thank you for calling.

Had another woman call saying her cat was stuck in a tree. I just knew she wanted the fire department to come save the cat, so I got my "that's only in movies/TV" speech ready. Then she said "...so my husband climbed up to get the cat and now he's stuck too."

A quite pregnant (don't remember exactly how far along, but definitely past 30 weeks) woman calls to say that her doctor told her to refrain from having sex for the rest of the pregnancy and she didn't understand why. I looked at her file, and saw she was having pre-term contractions, so I explained that sexual activity can cause contractions, so it was safer to abstain so the baby could stay inside as long as possible.
She tearfully exclaims, "But how will I feed the baby?!?"
Me: "I'm sorry, ma'am, could you repeat that?"
Patient: "How will I feed the baby if I can't have sex?!?"
The patient was convinced that her baby was living off of her boyfriend's semen, and that it would starve if they stopped having sex. I explained about the umbilical cord, etc. but she refused to believe me until I asked her about single moms, lesbian moms, etc. and asked how she though their babies fed and grew. After a moment of silence, she thanked me, and started to hang up the phone, but not before I heard her screaming her boyfriends name.
That man had a good thing going for a while there. I honestly wasn't sure if I felt more sorry for him, or a baby growing up in that household.

Just after I got cut loose from training, I received a priority one (meaning immediate response) animal ordinance call. Usually, this call is reserved for animals in traffic or vicious animals, where there is the potential for immediate threat to life.
The reporting party was a parent attending a school function. Caller advised there was a raccoon loose in the school.
I dispatched two officers to the call and they made it on scene. The officer then broadcasts the "suspect" description via radio. "Suspect is small, fast, and wearing a bandit mask. May have robbed a couple of trash cans. We lost him in a foot pursuit."

Not a 911 operator, but I do work for a kids helpline. I recently got a call from a panicked 11-year-old boy who thought he had locked himself in a wardrobe while home alone. I was on the phone with him for a while before I suggested sliding the door instead of pushing it out like you would when entering or exiting a room. I heard a few sniffles on the other end of the line and then a quiet "Oh yeah, I forgot the door went like that."

One woman called because she thought her house was being shot at. Turns out she forgot about her eggs boiling on the stove and they exploded. I wanted to give her a hug though, she was just a little old lady.

A woman dialled 999 to say there were men in her house trying to take her away. The men in question were police officers who had come to arrest her

Me: 911, where do you need assistance?
Drunk guy: At the convenient store. This guy won't sell me beer.
Me: Ok, why not?
Drunk guy: I can't show him my ID because I am not 21.
Me: Without an ID the clerk can not sell to you, especially if you are under age.
Drunk Guy: But other clerks let me bribe them before. I told him that and he still won't take my bribe and sell to me. Make him take the bribe!
Me: We won't force the clerk to accept your bribe. And definitely won't let him sell to a minor. Do you want to wait there and I can have an officer come talk to you in person?
Drunk Guy: Yea, I will sit outside and wait for you.

The best story I have is a guy who called about a bobcat in front of the library. He called up out of breath and said there was a wild cat intimidating people so they could not enter or exit the building.
I was fairly close so I started to run over. I asked if anyone was injured and he said no. I was expecting a group of people held up at the entrance by a huge cat hissing at everyone. I told him to keep away from it and stay on the line.
When I got there I found a tabby cat perched on a bench.
I verified the caller and the cat he called about. I went over to the cat with him and started pet him, he rolled over and let me scratch his belly.
The guy was shocked and said "oh, someone has domesticated it."

One guy called FRANTICALLY saying that he saw the dead body of a young woman, early 20s, wearing nothing but shorts. He gave a detailed description, hair color, skin color, body position, the whole bit and said she was by the side of the interstate (in the middle of an affluent suburban area at rush hour) so we figured this had to be a really fresh crime scene. We started scrambling together officers to get there ASAP, a big hassle considering it's rush hour and they're all dealing with accidents and stuff like that. On top of that, we can't say what the issue is on the radio is because we have too many busibodies who monitor police radio, then call us to try to get juicy details, or othewise meddle. So we have to get these officers to their cars to read the computer, leaving other issues, etc. And these are suburban cops in the Midwest, a murder is a damn big deal.
The guy calls back a few minutes later. "Uh, I checked again, it's a dead deer."
Peeved, I announce on the radio that the trip is cancelled, "it was a deer". An officer sarcastically calls back: "With shorts on?"

"911, what is the address of the emergency?"
"I need an ambulance"
"What's going on?"
"I just, I need an ambulance"
"Can you tell me why?"
"My dick is stuck in the wall OKAY?!"
"Please stay on the line for Fire/Rescue"

My uncle was a dispatcher in a suburb of Minneapolis/St.Paul, and would tell me stories whenever I saw him. My favorite goes like this:
Uncle: 911, what's your emergency?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to report two suspicious vehicles passing something back and forth in Potawatomi park.
Uncle: Ok, we'll send an officer out to assess.
Uncle: Dispatch to car 45, two suspicious vehicles in Potawatomi park, passing items back and forth.
Car 45: Uhhh...car 45 to dispatch, that's me and Officer Somethingerother, passing Cheetos...
Uncle: 10-4

One of my personal favorites was someone who called and it went like this:
"I know this is not an emergency, but there is a person in a giant monkey suit running down the road humping all the fire hydrants"
I had to hold back my laughing as best I could - turns out he was right, when I sent the police there there was a kid in a monkey costume humping every hydrant he came across.

Long story short. Helped a little girl do her math homework.

I'm not a dispatcher, but back in my EMS days I was dispatched on a call of a child being poisoned. Upon our arrival we find a 14 year old male and his mother. The mother was insisting we take them to the hospital so he could have his stomach pumped because he had swallowed chewing gum. The child was looking at us as if to say, "I'm sorry my mother is crazy."
One year later, same address, same family, called for poisoning. Upon arrival we find the same kid and mother. The mother wanted to be taken to the hospital because the kid had admitted to his mother that he had taken a hit of marijuana when he was visiting friends the week before. The kid had the same look on his face.

I've had someone call 911 to wish me a merry xmas when I was working at 3am on on Christmas Morning.

Paramedic here,
Once we had a young woman call 911 around 2am saying that her legs were turning blue. Turns out she had worn a new pair of jeans to the club that night.

Guy who called to swear out a complaint against his roommate because the guy stole his heroin. Yes, they both got a ride.

Someone called 911 about a "machine gun mounted on a car". It was the Google maps car...

Me: "911. What is the address of your emergency?"
Caller: "Turtles...in Georgia"
M: "Yes, ma'am. Turtles are an indigenous species to the state of Georgia."
C: "Really?"
M: "Yes, ma'am."
C: "Huh. Well what do you do when there is one in your yard?"
M: "Leave it alone."
C: "It's driving my dogs crazy!"
M: "Is the turtle endangering your dogs?"
C: "No."
M: "Are the dogs endangering the turtle?"
C: "No. They're on the other side of the fence."
M: "Well then just leave the turtle alone and he'll go along on his merry turtle way."
C: "Ok. I guess so."