50 Middle-Aged People Who Never Had Kids Reveal How They Feel About It

Keltie Maguire helps people make the decision "Kids or childfree?" without any judgment, shame, or fear. Some of her clients may decide they truly want children; others might get rid of the doubts they've had and finally find the courage to choose a childfree life.

She says that there are many factors that go into approaching the decision of whether to have kids. However, they can be different for men, women, and queer individuals. Women, according to Maguire, struggle with cultural and societal narratives. "[They] emphasize that a woman's natural role is to have children, and depending on the environment in which someone was raised, this can be even more prevalent."

"For example, someone brought up in a conservative or religious home, may feel such pressure to have kids that it can be difficult for them to separate their personal desires from what their family or community might want."

Queer individuals, even if they identify as men or women, have different concerns, too. "A queer individual might grapple with the idea that they were never meant to have kids (even if they wanted them)," Keltie says. "Whereas a straight man might view the decision in terms of the legacy he believes he should leave."

Still, Maguire says that people of all genders and backgrounds struggle with the "Kids or childfree?" question. They have to fight such stereotypical notions and ideas:

1. Childfree people are selfish;
2. Their lives lack meaning;
3. And that they are doomed to a future of loneliness.

"In case there is any question, none of these things are true," Keltie clarifies. "Or if they are, have nothing to do with the childfree choice!"

Most people make a decision about whether to have kids or not in their 20s and 30s. For those who may be struggling with this dilemma currently, Keltie advises dropping the idea that there is an inherently right or wrong choice. "Consider that perhaps any choice [you] make can be right," she points out.

Keltie cites the words of Harvard psychologist Dr. Ellen Langer, who suggests that decisions are less about the "right" choice and more about making a decision, and then making it right.

"When we subscribe to the idea that there is only one right choice in life — in addition to creating immense pressure — it is very disempowering, in that it takes away the agency we have to make our lives and situations fulfilling, in many different ways."

So, if you're at a crossroads, what should you do? You can look into your past for examples of your inherent resilience. Think about situations when you've been happy in seemingly opposite life situations: with different romantic partners or in different jobs.

"Even when a choice has been made, it isn't the end of the road," Keltie says. "We have many different choices we can make along the path of both parenthood and childfree living to help steer ourselves closer to a life that feels good."