Getting old isn’t much fun. Yeah, sure, you get somewhat wiser, more composed, and even might have an idea what to do with your life. But, on the other hand, there are pains and aches from having slept in an awkward position, there’s the handful of vitamins to be swallowed each morning, and there’s the graying hair and sagging skin. But, as the elders in my country say - the grayer the hair, the more mischief. To put it shortly, every single one of us is getting old, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Except, of course, laugh! And what’s a better way to prepare yourself for the upcoming woes of aging than a list full of old people jokes. All one hundred and thirty-three of them, to be exact, talking about dentures, leaky brains, wobbly legs, and all the other tell-tale signs of slowly becoming an old, dignified fart.
Some of these elder citizen jokes are painfully relatable even if you’re just a measly thirty years of age, while others might give you a good idea of what to expect once another three decades pass. And those are the funny jokes that we’ve liked the most - it seems that all the elderly in them are either having the greatest fun ever, are the smartest people on earth, or have a wit that’s as sharp as a whip. So, you know, it might be something actually to look forward to. Not convinced? Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging.
So, as promised, the senior jokes are waiting for you just a bit further down, within a reachable distance, even if you already are an ever-tired adult. Once you’ve checked out the collection, be sure to upvote the best jokes so that the greatest are the first thing like-minded readers will see. Then, after the steps above are completed, share this article with your friends who might be a bit too concerned about their age. After all, becoming old is only natural and inevitable!
#1
“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
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#2
Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks,
"Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Absolutely."
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
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#3
"To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.
"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"
The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."
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#4
"She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "You know what kills me ... ?" Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing."
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#5
An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home.
After dinner, the two women go into the kitchen and the two men remain at the table catching up. One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary.
“You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience I’ve ever had.”
His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is.
Frank replies “Um… Ugh… I can’t remember.” After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, “Hey, wait, what’s the name of that, that flower?"
After dinner, the two women go into the kitchen and the two men remain at the table catching up. One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary.
“You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience I’ve ever had.”
His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is.
Frank replies “Um… Ugh… I can’t remember.” After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, “Hey, wait, what’s the name of that, that flower?"
"A tulip?"
"No, no, no, the... the red one, you know, with... with thorns.”
“A rose?”
“Aha! Yes! Thank you!”
“Rose?” he calls out to his wife, “What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend?"
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#6
"My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head.
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically."
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#7
"One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." —Arthur Bland
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#8
"Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids?"
"They sure are," I said with pride.
"They adopted?"
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
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#9
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “A lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”
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#10
"Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately."
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#11
"After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
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#12
An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: “Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!”
Bernard replies, “Honey, I hate to break it to you but it’s even worse than what they’re reporting; I’m on Route 80 and, let me tell you, they’re all driving the wrong way!”
Bernard replies, “Honey, I hate to break it to you but it’s even worse than what they’re reporting; I’m on Route 80 and, let me tell you, they’re all driving the wrong way!”
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#13
"Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"
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#14
An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it. He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing. He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He goes downstairs and yells “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer. He enters the living room and yells again “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells “What's for supper?” and still, no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks “Honey. What's. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says “Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”
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#15
"I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"
He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."
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#16
"My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."
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#17
"In the hardware store, a clerk asked, "Can I help you find anything?" "How about my misspent youth," joked my husband. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." — Leslie McRobie, Lee
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#18
"The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said "Now take off your arm."
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#19
"For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.
"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.
"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."
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#20
John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."
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