Many democratic countries describe privacy as a fundamental human right, but tell that to your parents who like to come into your room without knocking and after that leave the room without closing the door.
Some parents truly don’t understand that kids and teenagers also need privacy and ignore their requests to put on a lock on the door to prevent them or their siblings from entering their room without permission. But some people still have common sense and Reddit users deemed this one mom to be a jerk for not granting her daughter this favor.
More info: Reddit
Parents don't think their younger children are invading their older daughter's privacy, but she is already thinking of moving out
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The Original Poster (OP) is the mom and she has three kids: a 17-year-old daughter and two sons of the ages of 12 and 9. The daughter is studying hard at the moment as graduation is nearing as well as the decision on what’s next.
However, it seems that she doesn’t have the space to study in tranquility as her two younger brothers like to come to her room and move things around, steal things or just be noisy when she tries to sleep, which also doesn’t help with keeping up with schoolwork.
This was causing a lot of screaming in the house and when the parents brought that up, the daughter suggested putting a lock on her door, but they refused. The mom explained that the boys will grow up eventually and for now she will have to deal with it and if anything happens, just call the parents.
Also, the mom didn’t want her daughter to have a lock on her door because she was already not doing great at school, so she figured that her daughter would waste even more time on not studying.
The person who wrote the story is the mom and she begins from painting a picture of what has been happening in her house lately
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Understandably, the teenager was disappointed and threatened to move as soon as she could because her brothers were out of hand and she didn’t believe anything will help with that. The topic came up a couple of more times and the arguments always ended with the daughter calling the family the worst and telling her mom that she is the worst.
Usually these kinds of stories are written from the perspective of the teenager who wants validation that them wanting privacy doesn’t mean that they’re a bad person. But what made redditors’ blood boil was that this was a parent who clearly saw their daughter struggling and their sons misbehaving but didn’t do anything about it.
Her 17-year-old daughter is often heard screaming, so the parents investigated what is the reason behind it
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Very Well Family says that “Privacy is essential for teens to gain autonomy and individuality.” But for some parents it might be hard to loosen up the control as up until now, they were over their shoulder all the time.
Bored Panda reached put to Fi Star-Stone who introduces herself as "a qualified parenting expert with almost 30 years working with children and families" on her page. She has a Degree in Childhood and Youth studies, an NNEB in Nursery nursing, and a Diploma in Childhood studies, so we wanted to ask her a few questions regarding the story.
The parenting expert agrees that the privacy question is one not to be avoided and it can be brought up even before the child turns to a teenager even though it may be a bigger change for the parent than the kid themselves, "There’s no rule book when it comes to parenting and as little ones grow older, it’s easy to forget as they grow, that they need their own space and privacy. From as young as 7 years old, it’s important to talk about boundaries and privacy, especially if your child has older siblings that need their own space."
Turns out the 17 year-old's younger brothers are either messing up her room or disturbing her when she studies or sleeps
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She adds, "Teaching kids respect and the importance of privacy and boundaries is a hugely valuable life lesson that’ll carry them through to adulthood and help them become valued, kind and caring members of society and help them build strong and valuable relationships as they grow older."
Very Well Family expands even more and explains that it is important for parents to understand that giving freedom and privacy to their kids helps them to grow up independent, trustworthy and healthy people. Parents have to give space for teens to develop their interests and to show respect for their modesty. Having this independence allows teenagers to develop self-confidence and it leads to less conflicts in the family as you acknowledge that your son or daughter isn’t a child anymore and you trust them.
Fi Star-Stone supports this statement and comments on the situation in question, "Their daughter is 17 and it’s inappropriate and unfair for her younger brothers to burst into her room whenever they like. She could be getting changed, on a private call with friends or just want some time to herself for some headspace."
From what the mom wrote, it seems that the teen is slowly losing her mind so she suggested to put a lock on her door
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Although the teen thinks that a lock would make her life easier, the parenting expert doesn't believe this solution will stand the test of time, "Locks however, are not the answer. Not only do locks pose an extremely dangerous safety hazard, they don’t solve the underlying problem, which, in this case, is lack of communication and understanding from the parents and siblings involved. "
From her experience, Fi Star-Stone explains that communication is key and the parents should find a way to talk to their kids even if it's not in a one-on-one talk, "If kids struggle to articulate verbally what they are feeling, then writing down on paper to get their message across without anger or friction is an ideal alternative."
Neither of the parents saw it as necessary and just promised to make sure the brothers are not bothering the teen
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Parent Circle suggests several things that will show to your teenager that you respect their privacy. Taking note of their body language and the non-verbal cues is one of the ways to know what annoys them and what you should stop doing.
Parents should mind their language while asking questions and trust that sometimes they can decide for themselves. Ask them about their life because you are interested and want to listen to their experiences and don’t demand information that they don’t want to reveal.
It is also important to leave them alone for a while, especially if they are hanging out with friends and suddenly everyone becomes quiet when you come in. Intrusion is one of the most infuriating things that parents do, such as going through their things or reading their diary, which makes them feel as though they are deprived of the right to privacy.
But parents don't need to figure out these things alone because as highlighted above by Fi Star-Stone the family members should communicate with each other, "Talking as a family about the value of privacy and creating a family ‘rule’ sets the boundaries needed. A simple rule of ‘if a door is closed, you knock and wait to be invited in’ together with consequences if the rules are broken, will make the daughter feel listened to and respected and create a plan moving forward. This ‘family rule’ works not just for the children but the adults too. Us grown-ups need our privacy and space too at times."
However, they failed to keep that promise but didn't want to consider the daughter's idea either
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While the parenting expert admits that siblings always have something to fight about and parents are tired of breaking up those fights, she also thinks that such mindset leads to ignoring the real problem, "The fact she wants a lock on her room shows she feels unsafe and insecure in her own home. Her property is not respected and her feelings are being ignored and this situation will just get worse if it’s not taken seriously."
The expert already suggested a conversation between the parents and the teenager as a step forward, but she also thinks that the younger brothers have to be taught a lesson as well, "Encouraging empathy from the younger siblings will help them to understand how their sister is feeling. Talking to them about how would they feel if their sister messed with their favourite possessions or burst in on them getting changed, creates a deeper understanding of the situation."
The teen expressed her wish to move out as soon as she can and told the woman that she is a horrible mom
Image credits: Luke Jones (not the actual photo)
Every child is different and their newly found freedom may be interpreted as a sign to do whatever they want, so parents still have to do their job. But redditors were quite convinced that the teen in this story had a pretty valid request that would have helped her to sleep better and have some quiet time for studying.
We would like to know what your thoughts on this situation are. If you were the parent, would you put a lock on the daughter’s bedroom? Would you focus more on the behavior of the boys? If you were the daughter, would you want to move out too? Let us know in the comments.
The readers were on the teen's side and believed she deserved privacy and some piece and quiet
