Family comes first. I think many of you have heard this phrase before. And yes, in many cases it’s true. However, the word "family" is broken when parents divorce, particularly when you are still a little child and it doesn’t make sense that they can be better off without each other.
Additionally, every child needs assistance or attention from someone, regardless of how tough they may appear to be. If a parent is unable to provide for them, they will find it at their friend's from their friend's parents. However, it is then better not to expect that kid will welcome one back with open arms into their life.
More info: Reddit
Divorce is hard; however, creating a new family and forgetting about the first one is terrible for the kid
Image source: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
Woman wonders if she was wrong for not attending the graduation party that her father planned after not being in her life for 10 years
Image credits: Economy-Guarantee244
Image credits: PhotoMIX Company (not the actual photo)
Her dad planned a party, but the main guest didn't show up
Image credits: Economy-Guarantee244
She told everybody that she didn't know about the party because her dad didn't celebrate any occasions with her for 10 years
A few days ago, a user shared her story to one of the Reddit communities asking its members if she was being a jerk for not attending a graduation party that her father organized and sharing the reason why. The post immediately went viral and in just 5 days, it got almost 19K upvotes and more than 1.1K comments.
The author starts the story by explaining since she was 12 years old, her family hasn’t celebrated any occasions with her. In addition, her dad and his new wife had a baby that led to the author being kind of forgotten in the family. Moreover, the author started celebrating with her friends instead and one friend’s mom started making her a birthday cake every year.
Moving forward, the author just graduated from university. As it turns out, OP’s dad had planned a big party for the occasion; however, she didn’t show up. After the family started asking for the reason, the author said straight away that she didn’t know as he hadn’t celebrated anything connected with her for 10 years.
Of course, no father wants to admit the implications that he doesn’t care about his own child, so of course he said that it’s a lie. However, then his daughter asked him to post some pictures from her birthdays or graduation or some other activities (brilliant idea) and of course he didn’t have any. The author states that he is now mad at her for talking about private family matters.
To avoid confusion, the author answered a few questions in the comments regarding the recent event. First of all, her dad asked her to be home for dinner that night, to which OP answered that if nothing came up, she would be home. Because yeah, as you can imagine, after not celebrating any occasions for so many years, you just stop expecting some miracle.
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
The author got the “Not the A-hole’ badge in this situation. Users also noticed that people tend to call it ‘a private matter’ once they notice that their behavior is indefensible. However, a few members started a different discussion as well: “[Family members are] harassing the dad so nobody notices that for over a decade, they forgot about OP too. Apparently no one noticed that for over a decade, they were never invited to anything having to do with OP.”
Additionally, Bored Panda contacted Leah Marie Mazur, who is a certified divorce recovery coach, and she kindly agreed to share her insights regarding the divorce and the topic of parents' relationship with children.
“It's quite common for the relationship between parents and children to improve and become even closer after a divorce,” Leah started. “While divorce can initially bring some challenges and adjustments, it can also lead to positive changes in the parent-child dynamic.” However, after reading this story, we can see that the author's case is the opposite.
Now, speaking about the cases when a parent creates a new family and forgets about their firstborns, Leah mentioned that in her experience, this case is not common. “While it's true that a parent might have additional responsibilities and commitments with a new family, it doesn't automatically mean they will neglect their firstborns. It's crucial for parents to maintain open communication and prioritize nurturing their relationships with all their children.”
Additionally, in case OP’s father would like to restore their relationship, the divorce coach says that it’s possible; however, it would be challenging. “It's possible that the father's actions were unintentional, and he might not have been aware of the impact on his firstborn. Rebuilding a relationship takes effort from both sides, open and honest communication, and a willingness to forgive and heal past wounds. With patience and professional guidance, it's possible to reestablish a connection and find a way forward, if that's what both parties want.”
And finally, “coping with a parent's divorce and the subsequent creation of a new family can be emotionally challenging, and it's natural to feel forgotten or left out during this transitional period,” Leah emphasized.” One of the best ways to deal with these feelings is to communicate openly with your parents about your emotions and concerns.”
“Additionally, seeking support from a coach or a therapist who specializes in family dynamics can be highly beneficial,” she added. “Surrounding yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or support groups can also provide comfort and understanding during this time. Lastly, focus on self-care and personal growth. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you develop a sense of identity and self-worth.”
Image credits: Pavel Danilyuk (not the actual photo)
Moreover, Bored Panda contacted Maggie Nick, who is the founder of Parenting With Perspectacles, and she agreed to share her insights regarding this situation.
“I think it is possible and somewhat common for kids to become closer to a parent [after the divorce], and it’s typically the parent who feels like a soft spot to land; who sees and acknowledges the impact of the divorce and ALL the associated transitions; who makes them feel like it’s okay that they’re struggling and having Big Feelings,” the expert says. “One of the things that makes the biggest difference is when a parent actively supports and shows up to nurture and prioritize the child’s relationship with the other parent, especially when the child is missing them.”
“Kids experience so, so many Big Feelings and stressors when navigating a divorce and remarriage,” she emphasized. Speaking about the impact on a kid after parents remarry, Maggie states that “Children and teens often think, 'Do I still matter to you? If I push you away, will you come back? Or will you get mad at me and give up on us?' A parent has to grow into a version of themselves that does not take this personally and punish the child. It takes extra work and a commitment by both parents and stepparents to coparent in a way that allows that firstborn to be present and actively involved."
Now, speaking about restoring a parent-kid relationship after many years of not communicating, Maggie says that it’s possible, however “Repair and restoration would require the parent to fully show up to Repair. Apologies are important but perhaps more important is the parent seeing the impact their behavior and choices have had AND acknowledging the hurt they have caused their child, without getting defensive.”
“When that parent has a new family, the child will feel insecure in the relationship and will have an impulse to test the security of the relationship,” the expert emphasizes. “Children often experience overwhelming (and often, unresolved) fear, thinking, 'Now that you have this new child and family, do I still matter to you? I want to love them but it feels scary to watch you love them because I’m not sure what this means for me. Will you forget me? If I push you away, will you come back? Or will you get mad at me and give up on us?' The parent needs to show up for the relationship in a way that helps the child feel safe, secure and loved even when they need to push that parent away.”
And of course, don’t forget to check out Maggie’s Instagram and TikTok pages! She shares extremely helpful information that most of us can relate to and find it comforting that we are not alone.
Folks in the comments backed up the author and shamed her dad
