When dealing with a toxic mother-in-law, the hardest part is setting firm boundaries and adhering to them as a team. Many couples have a hard time with that, but others are able to do it perfectly. Yet, even when all goes according to the couple’s plan, enabling family members might sabotage it.
For this couple, it was the husband’s aunt who became the MIL’s “flying monkey” and called the wife out for “breaking their family.” But the wife wasn’t about to stay silent: she created a group chat and laid out all the facts, including how the MIL was feeding her false information, and gave the aunt an ultimatum.
A couple cut off their MIL for blaming her relapse on the wife’s pregnancy
However, she managed to weasel her way into their lives by making her sister her flying monkey
Setting boundaries can get the other person mad if they’re not used to hearing “no”
Stories like this one are quite rare. More often than not, we read about stories where couples and families are unable to set firm boundaries with in-laws, either because of one partner or because of a fear of estrangement.
Yet, the couple in this story are presenting a strong, united front, and they’re not afraid to put their family unit before their extended family. The reaction from the MIL and the aunt is not surprising: when faced with natural consequences, oversteppers tend to take it extremely personally and get upset.
But why is that? Why is someone calling you out on your toxic behavior so triggering to some people, instead of prompting them to take a better look at themselves and focus on changing their unhealthy patterns?
According to boundaries coach Barb Nangle, it’s because those people don’t have healthy boundaries themselves. It has to do with enmeshment: when we set a boundary, we’re establishing our independence.
“[When you set a boundary], you’re distinct from them, and they’re distinct from you,” Nangle writes. “Your pattern of interaction is now distinct from what it used to be.”
“That can sometimes be painful to us and others when we build new boundaries because it’s so unfamiliar. This is especially true if we’ve felt like we don’t know who we are, or at least we don’t know who we are in comparison to others.”
According to Nangle, although it feels like boundaries often result in estrangement and walls between people, they actually bring people closer together. Clear boundaries allow for clear communication: they let both people know that when a person says “yes,” they mean “yes,” and when they say “no,” they mean “no.”
Boundaries may sometimes devolve into ultimatums, but the key is how you deliver them
Setting boundaries can be difficult. Sometimes, they might feel more like ultimatums and hurt the people on the other side. It might be difficult to differentiate between the two, especially when emotions are running high, but there is a difference.
According to the experts at the Gottman Institute, it’s about the words and tone in which terms are delivered. “A boundary is about our own limits, whereas an ultimatum is specifically designed to control somebody else,” they write. Essentially, ultimatums are about seeking to change another person’s behavior, and boundaries are about our own.
In this story, an ultimatum might be: “If you don’t stop enabling our MIL and tell her to kick rocks, we’re never speaking to you again!” An ultimatum is usually delivered in a highly emotional manner, with a tone of anger and control.
A boundary is presented calmly and with hope that the other side will be open to communication. “Our MIL’s behavior is causing our family a great deal of anguish, and her attempts at manipulating and turning other family members against us leave us unable to keep contact with her. If you repeat her falsehoods and insult our family, we have no choice but to limit contact with you too. This does not mean we don’t value you or time with you, but it’s something we have to do for the wellbeing of our children and ourselves.”
“I am not engaging in this dynamic,” the wife wrote, adamant about her decision to cut off toxic people from her family’s life
Commenters praised the OP for standing her ground and being assertive in protecting her peace
