Having a sibling teaches you sharing, how to live with another person, and gives you a playmate and a best friend. When you have a sibling, you may be envious of only children as they get all the attention and don’t have to wear hand-me-down clothes. Not only that, but you don’t have to fight for your parents' attention because as much as it is wrong, some parents don’t hide which child they love more.
Children realize they are loved less and even if they feel bad about it, nobody tells them their feelings are valid. So a teen had to go to Reddit to ask if he is too demanding by wanting all of his parents’ attention on his birthday because after all, he never complained about his sister getting everything she wants and his wishes being considered secondary.
More info: Reddit
15-year-old was looking forward to his birthday but now he feels stupid for believing that his special day could ever be about him
Image credits: RichardHB (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) is 15 years old and he will turn 16 in less than a month. The 16th birthday is quite a big deal in the US as you can legally drive a car and find a job, so you are one step closer to becoming an adult. Also, any birthday is a special day in general and it would be nice if your family acknowledged that.
The teen has a sister who is now 7 years old. You could call her a miracle child as the parents tried for a long time and when the mom finally got pregnant, she gave birth prematurely, so the baby required a lot of attention.
The teen is turning 16 soon and his parents were planning him a birthday that he actually liked
Image credits: u/Worried-Pizza6682
At first the OP understood that the sister, Ava, had to be prioritized, but it didn’t stop after she got older and stronger. Yes, she is the younger sister and she requires more care, but that’s not what bugs the teen. What he doesn't understand is the unequal treatment when Ava’s needs are always put above his.
If the parents have to choose between making Ava happy or making the OP happy, they will most likely choose Ava. That’s what happened with the 16th birthday as well. The son was looking forward to it because the parents were finally planning something that the OP would enjoy, as previously, his birthday would always be organized to be fun for Ava.
Out of the blue, the school contacted the parents and informed them that Ava was being bullied. The girl was sad and she wasn’t really looking forward to the birthday, so the parents thought that the only logical thing to do was to cancel the birthday party and do something to cheer their little daughter up, showing that she is loved and that the bullies aren’t right.
The narrator was pretty surprised as usually his birthdays were always accommodating to his 7-year-old sister
Image credits: u/Worried-Pizza6682
Of course, this isn’t Ava’s fault, but the OP is still angry that the parents told him that it is Ava who should feel special on his birthday and as the big brother, he should sacrifice his fun. It was a breaking point after being the secondary child all of Ava’s life and the teen spoke about how he felt.
He told his parents that he also wants to feel special and have fun, but if they don’t change the way they look at him, he is done, because even though in the parents' lives, Ava is everything, she is not the OP's life’s focus.
He actually gives a couple of examples that clearly demonstrate that the sister Ava is the favored child
Image credits: u/Worried-Pizza6682
The teen fully realizes that he is the less-favored child and the only other person who acknowledges it is his grandpa on his dad’s side. He is the only adult in the family who tried to stand up for the OP, but even his word meant nothing.
At least the teen has good friends, as he described them in a reply to a comment, “My friends are great. The hardest part with them is when I can only have a friend at my parties and I have to choose between them because we're all tight. They never blamed me for any of it though. They have also given me some really great birthday gifts (and not all of them were stuff either, sometimes they paid for me to go somewhere cool with them).”
The parents really wanted another child and it was a miracle that she survived as she was born prematurely
Image credits: u/Worried-Pizza6682
The parents got offended at the truth that the OP told them and now the son feels bad as his brain knows that Ava didn’t do anything wrong, but in his heart he feels resentful. In a further explanation, the teen wrote, “Part of me feels like I'm being unfair or selfish for resenting this so much and for being so against what my parents want to do instead.”
The way the OP feels is expected. Baton Rouge Parents explores the long-term effects of parental favoritism and one of them is that the more-favored children almost always are resented by the other children: “The parents’ unequal attention poisons sibling relationships without even trying.”
The big brother understood that the baby needed more attention than him, but as the sister became older and stronger, his needs were still neglected
Image credits: Michael Coghlan (not the actual image)
Image credits: u/Worried-Pizza6682
Board-certified psychiatrist Marcia Sirota points out that not only does the less-favored child grow up having issues, but the Golden Child has their own trauma to go through and it’s more difficult for them to do so.
She thinks that “While individuals from both groups may struggle with low self-esteem and self-defeating behaviors, the least favored child is always ahead of the game when it comes to self-awareness and openness to change.”
So he was really upset when the parents decided that his 16th birthday isn't as important as making Ava happy after finding out she was being bullied at school
Image credits: u/Worried-Pizza6682
So being on either side - the excessively loved one or the neglected child - is disadvantageous. Dr. Sirota believes that “Truly loving parents love all their children. They might feel a stronger affinity or connection with one or more of their children but they go out of their way to treat all their children equally. They’d never want to hurt any of their children by overtly favoring one over the other.”
Sadly, the OP will have to live with the consequences of having to see that his parents dedicate more attention to his sister and his happiness is less important than hers. Hopefully, Dr. Sirota’s observation of less-favored children being self-aware and that helping them to sort through their emotions more successfully will be true to the OP as well, because from the way he told the story, it is evident that he already understands the reality he is living in very well.
The teen spoke up about being mistreated and that Ava isn't his whole life, even though she is for his parents
Image credits: u/Worried-Pizza6682
Image credits: THX0477 (not the actual image)
People in the comments felt sorry that the teen has to experience such a family dynamic and reassured him that he is not wrong for wanting to have a special day on his birthday and he has a right to get excited for it.
After hearing that the OP tried to reason with his parents and they didn’t listen even when his grandpa got involved, many redditors suggested the OP get a job, save some money and when he is legally allowed to leave his parents' home, to do so.
What do you think the teen should do? Do you agree that being the favored child is as damaging as being the less-favored child? Let us know your reactions in the comments.
The parents got really mad after being confronted with the truth but redditors felt sorry that the teen has to live in a family in which he doesn't feel loved
