A Collection Of History Jokes That Never Go Out Of Date

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

Why does history keep repeating itself?

Because we weren’t listening the first time.

Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

The same middle name!

Before the Bronze Age...

People who came in third place were just called losers.

To the many that have been ritually sacrificed by Aztec kings... My heart goes out to you.

What kind of tea did the American colonists want?

Liberty.

What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?

Hissssstory.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom!

If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?

His family and Friends.

Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?

Because he couldn’t lie.

What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Indepen-dance.

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?

He wanted to Mark Antony.

How did the Vikings send secret messages?

By Norse code!

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?

Julius Sneezer.

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!

Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?

Plymouth Rock!