“Never Asked For It”: Woman Receives A Gift From MIL, Is Shocked When She Also Asks For $30 Back

Good gift giving is almost an art form. Choosing an item that brings joy to the receiver often takes time, effort, and insight into the person’s life. That’s why getting something that really reflects who you are or what you need is so impressive. It shows that the giver listens and cares about you. This kind of thoughtfulness can show even in the smallest of knickknacks.

Unfortunately, not everyone is good at gift giving. Most us have been on both ends of a poorly thought-through gift, so we all know how uncomfortable it can be. The mother-in-law in this following story, though, made a few too many questionable decisions while choosing a gift and took inconsiderate gift giving to the next level. Scroll down to read the story from an anonymous Reddit user who turned to r/AITA for advice regarding her family woes.

The OP didn’t provide much additional information about the relationship with her mother-in-law. However, if this situation is at all an indication of their relationship, there must be something a little off. The mother-in-law comes off as quite manipulative by implying she’s doing something great for someone she loves while, in reality, she’s being burdensome. Her whole spiel about “principles” and “manners” just emphasizes that she might have some sort of ulterior motives and is purposefully escalating a situation.

The way the OP’s husband is supportive of his mother’s actions also seems a little troubling. On one hand, it looks as if he’s simply trying to humor her and avoid conflict at all costs, without trying to see where his wife is coming from. But then why wouldn’t he just pay the money himself and get the situation over with? He is the one who likes the coffee machine after all.

In general, it seems quite odd to be asking for money for a gift you give to someone. That doesn’t seem like it’s acceptable in any culture, and it breaks pretty much every gift giving etiquette rule. If one doesn’t have the money to buy some specific item, one should simply choose a different one. Or, if you really want to gift the person that one special thing that you don’t have the means to get, put whatever you can afford onto a gift card or give it in cash. Together with a thoughtful note about your intentions, this can make a lovely gift.

A study on gift giving errors published in 2016 identified the most common mistakes people make when buying gifts. One of them is prioritizing a gift’s desirability (that is, how great the gift is) compared to the gift's feasibility (that is, how useful the gift can be). This is because when buying gifts, a lot of people focus on the initial reaction and wowing the giftee. For them, the gift is an abstract, a symbol of thought and care. For the recipient, however, the gift is more tangible, it’s an item that they now have. That is why getting something that can enrich your daily life is more attractive to many.

The researchers also advice against buying items simply to surprise the recipient. If the recipient created a gift registry or told you explicitly what they would like to get, just stick with their wishes. Going out of your way to find something more creative tends to eventually disappoint the giftee, no matter how appropriate you think the gift is. The study also points out that one shouldn’t choose a gift according to its price either. “Givers think that more expensive gifts seem more thoughtful; recipients do not.”

It seems that, in this situation, whether it was on purpose or not, the OP’s mother-in-law made all of these mistakes. She got her daughter-in-law something that wasn’t that useful or asked for and went way over her budget in order to impress her. Her efforts backfired and now she created tension between herself and her daughter-in-law as well as her son and his partner. Was this manipulative behavior or an honest mistake? We’ll never know.