30 Wildest Comebacks That People Have Heard Or Come Up With

Good old Oscar Wilde provided many harsh, yet eloquent ways of being rude.

"Some people bring joy wherever they go. Some whenever they go.".

Probably not the most brutal,but I liked it alot…I remember some comments in Reddit before where a guy said to another dude something along lines:

”I f****d your mom last night”

And dude replied with the simple:

“So you’re a disappointment to both our mothers”

I started using it since because it was a nice comeback imo….

I'm not the quickest of wit, usually I'll come up with something that would have eviscerated a person about 2 hours after the conversation had finished, but there was one shining moment where everything came together.

A group of idiot teenagers got onto the bus that I was on, being loud and abrasive, and one of them, as they were passing me, burped into my face.

Without skipping a beat, I sniffed the air and said "hmm, smells like c**k".

It was wildly stupid to do given that there were a group of them, and it could have gone really badly for me, but his friends just collapsed in laughter and he turned beet red and just sat down sulking.

Absolute stuck up brat of a girl at school, to a teacher: "Do you know who my dad is?"

Teacher, without hesitating for a second: "No, does you mum?".

During a teenage fight with my brother, I repeated what I thought was an iconic line:
"Did you roll off the changing table as a baby?!?!"

Before he could answer, our mom replied, guilt ridden, from the other room:

"THAT ONLY HAPPENED TWICE!".

Bessie Braddock MP to Winston Churchill "sir, if I were married to you, I would put poison in your coffee "

Winston Churchill "Madame, if I were married to you, I would drink it".

I told my wife, jokingly, "You're not the dumbest b***h who ever lived but you better hope she doesn't die."

Without missing a beat, my wife said, "Don't worry, I'd remarry.".

When asked for his thoughts on the migration of New Zealanders to Australia, the then Prime Minister of New Zealand stated that the "annual exodus of Kiwis to Australia raised the average IQ of both countries".

My sister delivered an insult in the form of advice when I was pursuing a girl...

"You can't play hard to get if you're hard to want."

Devastating.

In Germany we ask politely "Did the Swings in your childhood stand too close to the wall?"

I came back from the barbers and said to my daughter (12 at the time).

"Daddy looks good, doesn't he?"

She barely glanced at me before saying

"You look like something I drew with my left hand.".

There was a reddit thread about retail work awhile back where someone recounted a customer verbally abusing them. Another customer nearby chimed in

"Your adult children don't speak to you do they."

The reddit poster said they were looking at the problem customer when it happened and saw the insult land with devastating affect.

Used to argue with a woman at my job. She cursed like a sailor, this place had no HR department to speak of. One time we were going at it over some protocol and she got so pissed she yells "BITE ME!"

Not skipping a beat I replied, "I don't eat pork.".

That gamer girl that told a dude getting on her "I'm gonna f**k your dad and get pregnant so I can give him a son he'll love" (paraphrasing obviously).

"I envy people who don't know you.".

I had a drunk female patient at work one night who was belligerent, treating the staff like s**t, etc. I informed her we are merely trying to help her. She screams at me "do you know who I am?! My husband has a bridge named after him!" I calmly reply, "ma'am if I were married to you, I'd jump off that bridge." This was the only time in my multi decade healthcare career that I was written up. The CEO of the entire hospital system consisting of facilities in multiple states personally called me and laughed about the whole thing...... specifically stating he's golfed with the husband and the husband hates her.

"I'm so happy you're here. Give the people at home a break" Dylan Moran to a heckler at a comedy show i was at.

“He’s so dense light bends around him!”

That’s the best way I’ve heard to call someone stupid. Delivered by Malcolm Tucker from The thick of it.

My buddy had a dude from work try to pick a fight with him. Dude said something like “well maybe I’ll kick your a*s” and my friend responded with “if you fight as hard as you work, I got nothing to be worried about.”.

“Usually they throw out the placenta and keep the baby, but I see in your case they did the opposite “ - a Jamaican sheet rocker I used to work with.