48 Bizarre Justifications People Apparently Thought Would Help Their Case

Buddy working graveyard shift at a gas station got robbed, police caught the guys. He had to testify as a witness, and I had to drive him to court. So I hung out in the courtroom during the trial.

One of the guys, acting as his own defence attorney, called the other guy to the stand and asked him, "when we robbed that gas station, was I there?"

The whole courtroom facepalmed.

My friend's father is a defense attorney and one of his stories always made me laugh.

He was defending a man who had broken into a store, I think it was a convenience store. His plan was to sneak onto the roof of the building and break in through a trapdoor, or something. The roof was bad and so during his planned robbery he fell through the roof, landed on the counter in front of the woman who owned the store, and was promptly apprehended.

In court, the woman was asked to identify the man who had attempted to rob her store. She pointed directly to the suspect, saying it was him. Hearing this, the man jumps up and shouts, "Your honor, that's impossible! There's no way she could have seen it was me, I was covered in soot!"

He lost the case.

I was on a jury for a case in which someone was being tried for a****lting a police officer. There was a chase, during which the cop slipped and broke his foot. After the suspect was caught, the officer told his partner he thought his foot was broken. The suspect then shouted, "F**K THAT FOOT" and stomped on the officer's broken foot.

His defense claimed that he simply slipped and landed on the cop's foot by accident, and his exclamation of "F**K THAT FOOT" was simply a "coincidence." This defense attorney also fell asleep during the trial and was literally snoring audibly until the judge stopped the trial to reprimand him.

My boss (an attorney) was watching a m****r trial. The defendant was on the stand and the prosecutor asked him if owned a .38. He replied 'yeah, but that's not the one I got him with.'.

A guy came into my office and asked me to sue the Sheriff and the Prosecutor in this small town for wrongful arrest and malicious prosecution, respectively. The reason he was arrested was because he is a convicted s*x offender and he went to a grade school to have lunch with his niece and nephew. He was arrested for being a registered s*x offender while "loitering in a community safety zone". He said that loitering was defined as "staying without a clear purpose" and his purpose was to have lunch with his niece and nephew. He was convicted and sent to jail, he appealed, lost the appeal, fled a civil lawsuit against the county, lost that, and wanted me to appeal the lawsuit.

Trying to get out of paying his bill at a restaurant because he ordered a single beer, which altered his mental capacity thereby negating his capacity to enter into a binding contract when presented with his credit card receipt for signature.

Yeah I deal cr*ck! So what? I'm not afraid to admit it!

(you might not want to lead with that at a bail hearing).

I had a guy call me to tell me he wasn't going to be in court because he was getting his hair cut. I asked him if he was serious - he said yes. I told him he was going to have an order for his arrest out if he didn't appear. He hung up.

I was charged with a***ulting a police officer.

Without a warrant the police, who had been called to my neighbor's house, broke into my house while I was sleeping. They handcuffed me, beat me and pushed me head first down a flight of stairs (still cuffed).

I was charged because the cop who pushed me down the stairs injured himself in the process.

Not a lawyer or judge, but some girl's dad tried to sue my younger sister (who was about 12 at the time) for accidentally hitting a tennis ball at the girl's face while playing tennis, from the opposite side of the court. It was so ridiculous that the media found out and we were all over the news, even the Premier made a speech about us. It turned into a huge debate, i.e. how are our children supposed to play proper sports/have fun if everyone's just going to go around suing each other over a tiny injury!?!?

On two seperate occasions I have dealt with people involved in an a*****t who, having thrown the first punch, said that they 'hit him back first'.

Pretty much all sovereign citizens arguments - American law doesn't run on the "open sesame" principle where a few magic words will open legal backdoors - but the best was a client electing to go pro se and claimed immunity via a Native American treaty, although the treaty had expired in the 1870s, he wasn't a Native American (he said he was adopted in jail by someone of that tribe), and the treaty's terms didn't grant him immunity anyway. His argument failed and he's looking at 150 years just in enhancements for 12 armed robberies and a bunch of a***ults with no good defense on the facts.

I am a law student and I spent the summer interning with a small town prosecutor. There were some gems. One woman's defense for kicking an old man on the bus was that it was self-defense because he invaded her "spiritual v****a" by sitting on the bus.

There was another repeat offender that I will call Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones is a mean old man that lives up in the hills and refuses to pay taxes, among other illegal acts, because he claims that his land is a sovereign nation called "Jonesville." Every time he gets arrested for letting his horses run free (a crime in my state), building a fence across a public road, threatening passersby with a g*n, etc., he handwrites "briefs" to the court on

Republic of Jonesville stationery. Each one is a rambling manifesto about how he isn't subject to state law, and how the prosecutors have it out for old Mr. Jones. There is a filing cabinet measuring about 5'x3'x3' in the prosecutors office filled with this man's incoherent chicken scratch writing. For the record, this kind of defense doesn't work. It's the legal equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling "la la la la la la la!" Then the judge promptly says guilty and sentences you to anger management classes.

Guy suing his employer for an injury at work that he 100% caused, just because it happened at work.

I work for car insurance. Someone hit a parked car and tried to tell me it wasn't their fault..... The car is parked sir, it was a bright day and in a parking lot. "Well yeah, but it was in my way".

Completely not what you're looking for, but I love telling this story

A couple years ago I saw a purse snatching on a Friday night in the east village. The east village is busy as hell on a Friday night and there were a good six guys (myself included) ready to tackle this guy. No idea what he was thinking, but someone tackles him.

The guy gets up, throws the purse down and says "It wasn't me. It wasn't even me."

Literally right after we all watched it happen and the guy get tackled.

What a moron.

I was once on a jury for a criminal case. Dude was caught manufacturing & selling d***s out of a property on "Shirley Street." He was obviously trying to prove that he did not own the property, however had SHIRLEY tattoo'd on one forearm and STREET on the other.

He lost.

I am not a lawyer, but I once sat in court for a probation violation hearing where I watched someone try to justify failing a UA for c*****e.

His defense? "I wasn't using c*****e, your honor. I was just rocking it up to sell. That's how it got in my system."

Instead of just admitting he had a problem with c*ke and going to treatment, he blatantly admitted to manufacturing/distributing cr*ck c*****e.

He went back to prison.

I also once saw a PV hearing where a guy had gotten a violation for missing his appointment with his probation officer. His excuse? He was an illegal immigrant and had been deported and therefore unable to attend. (It checked out. He also went back to prison, though.)

Standard "not a lawyer but"

my lawyer who was defending me for a speeding ticket (family friend) gave me the option to stay with him and watch his defense of his second case because he said it would be a good one.

My lawyer buddy was defending a man who was brought up on his 6th DUI charge. Now, the lawyer explained to me that there is no way the he could win this case because lets face it, the judge does not really have sympathy on the 6th go around. The lawyer's hand was forced, and he decided to have a bit of fun with it.

His opening statement:

"We are hear due to Mr. XXX's 6th dui charge, and I think we can all look around this room, and deep down at ourselves and ask "who hasn't been there?"

The judge thought it was pretty funny, but the prosecution was reaaaaaaallly pissed off.

Guy in Traffic court:

In the case of speeding, how do you plea?

I refuse to plea!

What do you mean?

Texas driver's code of conduct is not a legislative law of the land, its a contractual agreement that does not apply to me for I am not a driver as defined by the state of texas as " a person who operates a motor vehicle in a commercial capacity" I am a traveller operating my private conveyance on public road and I do not need your permission to do so, nor am I subject to you commercial code of conduct.

Judge: ordinarily you'd be correct, however, YOU HAVE a drivers license and in that "voluntary contract" you agreed to abide by our codes and policies and be subject to our jurisdiction, and since you offer no evidence in you defense and instead want to argue legal semantics, I find you guilt in the amount of $255

thank you your honor, may i discharge my debt to the state with yet another obligation?

I beg your pardon?

can I pay you with an I.O.U, or script drawn upon a private bank?

No!

thank you your honor, then what am I to pay you with?

cash, you get it at the bank.

I'm very sorry your honor, but I've been to the bank. And they don't have dollar bills. All they have are Federal Reserve notes, which legally are instruments of debt and carry with it an equity attachment. since I cant discharge my debt to the state with yet another paper obligation, what am I to pay you with? Gold and silver?

YOU CAN PAY ME WITH EITHER!

thank you your honor, can you please explain to the court how 1 is equal to 38?

I beg your pardon?

well you see, your honor, it takes 38 as these green dollars to buy one of these silver dollars, and you said that I can discharge my debt to the state with 255 of either. So can you please explain for the court record, and my benefit, how you consider the two are equal?

The judge stands up and bangs the gavel and yells " you go sit down with the prosecutor and whatever he comes up with.... IM GONNA SIGN!".