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In the grand tapestry that is human experience, few roles can rival the complex and demanding nature of motherhood. The journey of becoming a mother encompasses a multitude of challenges that intertwine with the joys, excruciating pain (during birth and later in life when your kid discovers slapping) and selfless sacrifices that ultimately forge an unbreakable bond between a parent and their bundle of joy.
It is no surprise, then, that being a stay-at-home mom is widely regarded as one of the most strenuous jobs in the world, often likened to the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs, as highlighted in a 2018 study conducted by Welch's.
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As with every job and routine, then, it's appropriate that sometimes even the best moms take shortcuts to save some time and sanity. "I don't care what my child eats," one mother in the post admitted. "I mean, I care. I try. But it's so draining for me to fight him about food."
Many of them echoed their own stories of bribing kids with screen time and junk food - things that are (technically) considered a no-no when you're responsible for growing a perfectly healthy human being. Indeed, when it comes to discussing parenting strategies with fellow moms, adhering to societal norms can be met with criticism.
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However, behind closed doors, it remains a mystery how many corners each parent cuts to preserve their sanity and prevent a potential meltdown. Nevertheless, the fact that 64% of mothers feel their parenting choices are sometimes judged by other moms, as revealed by recent data from The Research Moms, it comes as no surprise that many opt to keep their approaches to themselves.
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The nighttime parent, I’ve decided my sleep is worth being uninterrupted.
"I absolutely think some moms fear judgment from others because we internalize societal pressures the minute we give birth. Scratch that - the minute the pregnancy test turns positive," Vicki Broadbent, the founder of the celebrated blog, Honest Mum, and a mother of three, told Bored Panda in an email.
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The occurrence of bullying among mothers, meanwhile, may be linked to our primal survival instincts. Scientific research suggests that engaging in such behavior can confer an evolutionary advantage by allowing certain individuals within a social group to achieve a higher status at the expense of their peers. You know, the same way that jocks sometimes make fun of drama students in school.
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"I'm always honest with fellow parents, and three kids in, I'd say I'm confident in my parenting style but I also respect that other mums will parent differently to me and that's okay," Broadbent explained. "I definitely think the longer you parent (one kid or more), the less you fear what I term, 'the back seat parents': those who try to pressurize you into parenting exactly as they do. It's their way or the highway."
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Survival.
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According to a 2017 report from the C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health at the University of Michigan, more than two-thirds of mothers with children aged 0-5 (60%) have experienced criticism regarding their parenting choices. The critique encompasses a wide range of topics, spanning from discipline methods to breastfeeding practices. You choose formula over breastmilk? Gasp!
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Broadbent, who is no stranger to silently being judged by other mothers, believes this is partly because experienced parents like to think they know things better than those who are having their first puke-stained, sleep-deprived rodeo. "Most advice is well-meaning of course but a lot can feel undermining and makes first-time parents in particular second-guess themselves when it's imperative to trust your gut," she said. "Also, do what we need to survive and thrive as a parent juggling an overwhelming mental and physical load."
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Of course, this also falls down on there not being a perfect formula for raising kids which gives a lot of room for comparison and judgment. A lot of silent tsk tsk's when one sees other moms snapping at their little ones at the playground. Broadbent suggests not minding what others think and trusting your gut. "Find your voice. Politely but firmly shut down those trying to manipulate or pressurize your parenting style," she said.
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Finally, if you feel like it's high school all over again, with all-telling glances, smirks and judgmental tones, it might be the case that you're simply in the wrong crowd. It's time to look for a healthy and positive environment. "[Find] other parents who understand you and whose company you enjoy," says Broadbent. "Every day is a school day so be open, but most of all, hang out with those who make you feel happy and who you can be yourself with. Also, learn from your kids because they're the greatest teachers of all."
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