Parenting can be tough, and sometimes it takes a village to get through it. But that doesn't mean moms and dads are entitled to exploit their acquaintances.
A recent post on Mumsnet has sparked a conversation about boundaries and balancing your own needs with those of others. Its author, who is a mom herself to a 2.5-year-old and due to give birth next month, has been helping her neighbor with her kids whenever there was an emergency; however, the lady has now asked for a more significant commitment, which has left the poster feeling overwhelmed and unsure of what to do.
Image credits: nadzeyakolabava (not the actual photo)
Image credits: sloomstudio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: www.mumsnet.com
Vicki Broadbent of Honest Mum thinks that the neighbor has crossed the line
"While it's reassuring to know you can lean on neighbors in a crisis or emergency, it's important to exercise boundaries," writer, director, broadcaster, and founder of the parenting blog Honest Mum, Vicki Broadbent, told Bored Panda.
"My advice is not to become too friendly with your neighbors as life can become awkward and quickly if you end up falling out/the friendship fizzles out. Being on good terms with them is ideal, as is keeping some distance so you protect your home life."
Broadbent, the author of Mumboss: The Honest Mum’s Guide to Surviving and Thriving at Work and at Home, pointed out that friends and family, depending on the relationship, are different from a neighbor in that you can't escape them (unless you move).
"Helping out a neighbor a few times is fine but this lady is expecting free transport and childcare and this is not her neighbor's responsibility. She must politely decline," Vicki said. "Of course carpooling/sharing pick-ups, taking it in turns to babysit with friends or relatives you trust, rather than neighbors are great ways to minimize childcare costs, but it needs to feel fair so you're splitting responsibilities, fuel, and costs of food, etc. as equally as possible."
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)
Often, moms and dads tell themselves things like, “Good parents don’t need help watching their kids,” or “I should be more efficient so I don’t have to ask anyone for help.” But thoughts like these are simply not true.
62% of parents report that raising children has been at least somewhat harder than they expected, with about a quarter (26%) saying it's been a lot harder. This is especially true of mothers, 30% of whom say being a parent has been a lot harder than they expected (compared with 20% of fathers).
So there will likely be times when they could use an extra pair of hands to keep everyone in line or an extra set of eyes to ensure everyone's safety.
Asking someone for assistance doesn't have to be a sign of weakness. Instead, it can signal you're wise enough to recognize when a little more support might be a good idea.
But you have to think carefully about who you want to approach.
Yes, you might be fortunate enough to have plenty of people who are able to pitch in, whether they're neighbors, members of your church, family, or friends, but you still need to think about who will best care for your kids and who is most reliable and dependable.
And, of course, there's also a chance you might find yourself on the opposite end of the spectrum, with too few people to help out. If this is the case, you may want to get to know other parents in your community.
Image credits:Kelli McClintock (not the actual photo)
Experts advise figuring out what you’re going to say before you bring up this topic with others. Here are some things you might consider:
- Ask for what you want. If you ask for help in a vague way, you likely won’t be happy with the result. Be as specific as you can by asking something like, “Would you be willing to watch the kids on Thursdays from 2:30 p.m. to 5 p.m.?” or “Can you pick up Zack from soccer practice on Thursdays and drive Zoey to piano practice on Fridays after school?”
- Decide how much to reveal. If you need help because you’re dealing with a private matter (like a health issue or simply being stressed out), decide how much you’re comfortable revealing. You might simply say you have appointments to attend or things to do. You aren’t obligated to share all the details.
- Offer a trade. You might ask, “Can you drive my child to the swim meet on Saturday afternoon next week? We would be happy to provide transportation home from practices on Thursdays if that would help you.”
- Determine if you'll offer money. A teenage babysitter will expect payment. But should you pay a grandparent or family friend for helping out? It depends on the situation. There’s no right or wrong answer, but consider whether you want to pay (and whether you have the funds) before addressing whether money will be exchanged.
However, asking someone to permanently pick up one of your daily responsibilities without offering anything in return sounds... optimistic. There’s always a chance that the individual you ask to help might say no, and it's hard to judge the author of the Reddit story for it.
As the post went viral, people shared their take on the peculiar situation
