Readers’ Vote: 58 Brilliant Mom Jokes, You Pick The Best

You know you're a mom when you understand why Mama Bear's porridge was cold. 

“When I have kids, they will never…”

Spoiler alert: They will… Oh, they will. 

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet and my husband is already there hiding out from me.

I never understood why some animals eat their young until I became a mother of a teenager.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” 

She said, “What's that got to do with anything?”

I said, “That means it's pasture bedtime.”

The quickest way to get my kids’ attention is to lie down on the couch. They’ll sense your comfort and abort the mission. 

My favorite motherhood hack is when I carefully put something important away and never find it again. 

“I’m not a regular Mom. I’m a ‘YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!’ Mom.”

“Thanks for your great advice on how I should raise my children,” said no mom ever. 

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” 
— Phyllis Diller

Raising teens is funny because they demand privacy and independence, yet also be like, “Can you give me $40?”

“I’m not gonna ask you again.”

That’s not true. Yes, I will. Probably 50 more times. 

Parenting is buying four bananas and watching them all get eaten in one day.

Then, buying eight bananas and watching them rot on the counter because “no one wants to eat them.”

My daughter asked why she can’t quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.
My sweet, sweet child looked me in the eye and said, “I’ll visit you.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your kid does not need another cute outfit.

Mama. You need new underwear. 

My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it, saying, “mmmm, it’s so good.”

She said, “You didn’t take it out of the box.”

Son: Why are there only dad jokes and no mom jokes?

Mom: Who told you there are no mom jokes?

Son: There are?

Mom: Yep, just look in the mirror. 

Mothers’ favorite lines (not in chronological order):

Shut the door.

Let me finish my coffee.

It’s wherever you left it.

I said, “Get your shoes on!”

You’re not hungry, you’re bored. 

I saw that. 

5-Year-old daughter: Mom, why is some of your hair white?

Me: (Smiles) Every time you make me sad, another hair turns white. 

Daughter: Wow, Mom, what did you do to Grandma? 

“My mom has four kids. I tried complaining to her about it [pregnancy].”
“She goes, ‘Rosie, pregnancy is not a disability.’”
“I was like, ‘Well, if it's not a disability, why do I sh*t my pants when I tie my shoes? If that's not a disability, it's a new ability. I know that. Couldn't do that before.’”
― Rosebud Baker