Dating Is Not What It Used To Be And Here Are 40 Dark Truths

Social media has ruined almost every aspect of dating in the modern world.

esoteric_enigma:

Social media has ruined almost every aspect of being social in the modern world.

No_Temporary2732:

I've realized this and withdrew from casual usage of social media for this reason
Women are fed toxic echo chamber content. So are men. Both are being pitted against each other, to divert us from the real evils of the world and us uniting against them.
Me, a lifelong feminist, was starting to find myself getting annoyed at women setting standards and getting swayed into the gold digger bs.
Thankfully, i could sense it and nipped it at the bud by curbing social media usage. It was blurring the lines between women having basic standards for a partner and women having toxic standards such as "A man has to do everything, you existing is trophy enough for him". Both exist, and the latter is in a minority but is far more vocal online.

There are bots created by the apps/websites to stop you from leaving if you're not getting matches.

LambonaHam:

I paid for Bumble+ before because I had half a dozen people swiping right on me, but wasn't getting any matches.
After paying, they disappeared. When the payment expired, they returned.
Evil at its finest.

Norwood5006:

Those dating apps don't exist to make you un-single, it's in their best interest to keep you single and that's why they're billion dollar industries, many of those dating apps are owned by the same company, who also owns OF.

People don't care enough about protection and it's scary as hell. Please wear condoms.

esoteric_enigma:

It's insane how many women I have to tell to stop so I can go get a condom. Like we just met on Hinge and have been on two dates...and you're ready to have unprotected s*x our very first time?
My d**k isn't that special and I'm not the first person you've met on a dating app. That definitely means you're having hella unprotected s*x out here.

You can mistake a genuine connection with someone and really it was just someone with really good social skills.

Semyonov:

Ugh just had this happen. Not on a dating app even but just hanging out with them. It's so easy to completely misinterpret so many things when they are really friendly and invite you to a bunch of things one-on-one.
I admitted my feelings towards her and she said she sees me as a friend, and she just started dating another of my friends actually (found out two days ago from her).
Oh well, it happens, it's never bad to have a good friend. I just misinterpreted a lot of things when she's just super super friendly.

Heliosvector:

I had a guy invite me to his house, solo, for dinner. Pretty sure he was maybe gay? Nope! just wanted to play video games with me, show me his rig, and order KFC with me. I would expect that from my nerd friends, but not this construction worker bodybuilder. Then he kept complaining about the heat and wouldn't put a shirt on.

People are very shallow and act like they deserve perfect while demanding others accept them just the way they are.

My husband and I met in college and we've always worked because we know that neither of us is perfect, but we're perfect for each other.

BullMoose1904:

Academic/semantic point: I would say decent people with realistic expectations tend to partner up and get out of the dating pool relatively quickly and stay out. The people like the ones you're talking about stay single for a long time and are over-represented in the dating pool, especially on the apps. Interestingly, the same thing happens with a bunch of other seemingly unrelated things like job searches and welfare programs; a sort of perverse survivor bias.
But, like I say, semantics. The practical impact is exactly what you said.

People put too much emphasis on trying to be who they think will attract people and not enough on who they truly are.

ArchaicBrainWorms:

I was a weird kid who grew into a strange young man, eventually reaching the rank colorful character.
Being authentic and receiving social rejection sucks. Maintaining a facade and running every interaction through a filter and receiving social rejection is worse.

Mesmerotic31:

This is blindingly true after being married for years. It's a good exercise in figuring out if you're actively trying to be the person you want to be/live the way you want to live when you stop and consider re-entering the dating pool (intrusive thoughts when I panic at the thought of losing my husband in a freak accident). You ask yourself how much of a catch you would be if you perfectly represented yourself to potential dates, showed them what life would look like with you years down the road. Like, if someone saw the spouse/parent I turned out to be, would they actually want to be with me at all? It's always a good kick in the a*s to just try harder, be awesome-er, show up for your spouse and kids right now the way you always envisioned you would show up before being in the thick of it.

You can be happy single. You don't *need* a partner as some say you do.

If they ghost you, walk away. Be wary of them sliding back into your DM's in the future. Pay attention to inconsistent communication or things like "I lost my charger/my phone died", "I forgot to call/text!", "just been really busy".....but its all the time. Pay attention to "breadcrumbing"

Many people are emotionally unavailable and are pursuing Stimulation and validation, not connection.

Hookup culture can blur boundaries. Decide if you're cool with a situationship.

schlubadubdub:

On the flip side, people don't have to reply immediately to texts/calls as it's fine to disconnect/have a life/work/be doing other things. Everyone has their own standard for what is a "reasonable" time to reply. It can be particularly difficult for people with things like ADHD, and doesn't automatically mean they're disinterested, emotionally unavailable, or stringing someone along. It can though lol.

People are so focused on ticking off boxes that they never give their potential soul mate a chance.

When we met in person more, we could be surprised by someone we aren’t traditionally attracted to.

Charisma and personality are hard to see on an app. So we swipe left on the short men or slightly overweight women. If we met them in person and experienced a person in their entirety before we decided we didn’t like them, maybe we’d be surprised at who we actually like.

livinglitch:

In line with online vs offline - You may not have a spark when messaging someone over the app but you may have a spark sitting down and talking to someone in person.
I have had relationships where we dont text or talk online at all but we talk constantly in person.

Online dating is a perfect environment for people who are bad at long term relationships and it only gets worse the older you get.

Leybrook:

Yeah, and it doesn't help that most apps are owned by the same shitty company that prioritize user engagement over outcomes. They're all designed to be addictive and ineffective for those wanting to find partners. The worst part is that there used to be good sites and communities, but they all got bought out, after which they got either Tinderified or deleted. Enshitification of dating.

People have now become disposable. You could be falling in love with somebody and accidentally say the wrong d**n thing, or wear a T-shirt they don’t like or have a bad day or disagree on some minor detail like whether or not Taylor Swift sucks and suddenly you’re completely cut off. Their contacts changed their socials have locked you out and you can’t reach them. You have to be prepared for heartache because everyone is quickly replaceable Nobody has bothered practicing making up or compromising or trying to see another person’s perspective. We all want perfect from the get go and don’t wanna do the work to build something phenomenal.

OutofSyncWithReality:

This is exactly how I feel. With dating apps you've got hundreds of potential partners at your fingertips. No one makes an effort anymore they just wait for Mr/Mrs perfect to fall in their lap and ghosts anyone who drops the ball for even a second. It's brutal sometimes.

Narcissists love dating apps. It’s free attention and validation.

The good ones know how to hide it really well. Be wary of anyone who seems too good to be true.

Frag0r:

Be wary of anyone who always agrees with you and barely states an opinion whatsoever without you stating it first.
It's a manipulation tactic to mirror your opinion, likings, behavior and phrases. Eventually you will let your guard down and that enables the narc even more.
Watch if words match actions and spectate the body language. The body can't lie.
Also, if someone often ends a statement with a high tone, sounding like a question, it could mean they are lying.
If you see these things happening and you have a bad gut feeling, just disengage. It's no joke. This person is not healthy and will hurt you for the Lulz.

Everyone is just out to get theirs.

ChevalierMal_Fet:

So, last year I got divorced. I was really hurt by the end of the marriage, which involved infidelity from her everything was just shitty.

I was single for a while, and went on a few first dates that went nowhere, and I felt like I was going to be alone forever.

Then, through Facebook dating of all things, I got a like from a nice woman who had an interest similar to mine. We got to talking, and things just progressed from there.

It’s a long distance thing, but we are able to make trips to see each other every couple of weeks, so it’s not too bad.

But, the wonderful thing is just how nice it is to be excited about a person who is excited about me- she remembers those small details about what I like and dislike, and she compliments and says nice things to me, and when we’re together I feel like I’m the luckiest person alive.

And, the most wonderful thing is that I’m completely and totally free to just love her wholeheartedly. I can send all the cheesy and sweet texts, and random pictures, and whatever else. When we visit each other, we can cuddle and hug and hold hands and do things with each other. We’re able to just be happy.

There are others out there! It was hard holding on to that part of myself that wasn’t a cynical j*****s, but I was determined to not let the modern dating situation change the parts of myself that I liked, the parts of myself that were able to just love somebody.

Even if you get hurt by somebody, you just have to keep on loving.

Get your HPV shot.

New_Wolf_8346:

Please get the shot! I dealt with pre-cervical cancer for many years due to high risk HPV. So many abnormal pap smears, so many procedures to get rid of the bad cells. Most people acquire a strain of HPV in their lifetimes but a lot go away on their own. But, don't take the risk. I eventually had a total hysterectomy, one reason being my history of pre-cervical cancer.

MintChucclatechip:

Learned in my health psychology class that 80% of s*xually active adults will get HPV in their lifetime, and there’s many strains of it, some are cancer causing.

If they never ask questions about you and only talk about themselves.
If it feels more like an exit interview than a conversation,
If they seem superficial -- guess what. They are.
If they laugh at everything you say and keep saying "You're funny....".

ADHD-Fens:

It is definitely possible to have a back and forth without questions, though. You say something about yourself, I relate something from my experiences to yours, you bring up an opinion you have about the topic, I express surprise that someone else was thinking the same thing as me.
Questions are part of a good conversation, obviously, but I have had conversations where someone asks me a question, I share an interesting answer, and then they just ask another question - sometimes changing the topic altogether. It's kind of exhausting, and it makes it seem like they don't actually care about the things they're asking.
Another thing is that some people don't like the interview style of getting to know someone. I prefer to learn about people through shared experiences, at least initially. It's a much more natural way to get to the core of who someone is - and more effective, too, in my experience. Obviously questions are needed for very basic stuff (do you want to go... do you like... etc.) but that's like 10% of it for me.

Dating apps that have a subscription or any monetary aspect would lose you as a customer if your dating experience was successful.

Personal-Sandwich-44:

Yeah, I paid for a month on Hinge, and it didn't end up seeming worth it for me, so I cancelled, but that presumably marked me as someone willing to pay, so a prime dating app customer.

Ended up meeting my now partner of a year+ on that same app, so cancelled my account and all that.

Obviously that by itself would be a net negative for them, but numerous friends have asked how we've met, and it's pretty good marketing, so in the end a net positive.

Cheating is incredibly common, it’s much easier to do and hide with phones.

Alph1:

Disagree. It might have been easier back in the day. No instant communication means you could easily be away from your partner for at least a day. Need to talk to your cheat partner? Payphones are untraceable and were everywhere.

Watch out for anyone that just has a gimme mindset and thinks they’re the prize. Men, women, nonbinary, doesn’t matter. Dating should be about creating a good experience/relationship together, not one side thinks the other owes them something for their time (whether that’s material things, sexual things, or otherwise). I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting any of those things, it’s the attitude I’m talking about.

69m. I met my wife in a chat in 97, and have been off and on social media since it started. I read some of the stories of young men and women in their 20s, and it’s hard to believe the s**t some people expect others to put up with. MOST of it is from what they see on social media. So many people getting s**t on think it’s normal, because the person doing the s******g learned it online. It’s f*****g not normal.,.

If you’re a woman who dates men, pretty much don’t expect equal partnership to be offered you by most men. If you’re ok with that, then great. If you’re not ok with that and looking for equal partnership, that means you’re pickier than average. However, I think it’s worth waiting til you find someone who in practice shakes out to be a partner who actually does approximately half of the work in the relationship (housework, emotional labor, childcare, etc), based on my experience. Don’t just settle (also from experience).