In life, you need boundaries, even with family members, such as parents-in-law. Because if in some cases you don't, they will stomp over you.
Like the woman from today's story, who fell victim to her overbearing mother-in-law, who tried to replace her as a mother during Christmas activities. Yes, you read right - the grandmother tried to replace the mother.
More info: Reddit
Sometimes mothers-in-law have can have so much entitlement that they feel they can take over mothers during certain occasions
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
Last year, this woman invited her MIL over for Christmas, but soon regretted it when she pushed the woman out of all activities with her children
Image credits: Anastasiia Chepinska (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Mike Cox (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Juliana Malta (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Addy Mae (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Striking-Day1044
This year, she decided to have some boundaries and refused to spend Christmas morning with her mother-in-law
A 35-year-old couple has two kids, who are just getting into the magic of Christmas. Last year, this family invited the OP’s (the mother of two kids) mother-in-law to celebrate Christmas with them, because they felt that she might be lonely.
But soon the post’s author came to regret this decision. Her MIL took over basically all of the Christmas activities without leaving any space for the parents to participate. This included making cookies and playing games with the kids, watching a movie that she picked out (not an animated one, even though the kids wanted one) and taking on the role of Santa. It even went to the extreme of lecturing the parents on how much sugar they are giving to their children and a lecture to the OP about how she had her kids so close in age. Let’s just say, MIL went very far over the line.
Not being able to participate in the Christmassy role of a parent crushed the OP, because she loves Christmas and wanted to do all the activities. And instead, she felt that her MIL was trying to replace her.
All that happened last year. And apparently, the mother-in-law hasn't changed that much since then. For example, when the OP said that Christmas Eve and Christmas morning would be spent at their house instead of the children's grandma’s, the MIL attempted to lure the children by saying that Santa’s gift would be at her place. Luckily, the OP solved this by voicing that Santa only comes to their place. This made the MIL storm off.
While the husband agreed at that moment with his wife, later he defended his mother’s actions by saying that she just wanted to be with family during the holidays. The OP said that while it’s OK that hubby’s mother is spending time with them, what is not OK is that she is trying to replace the actual mother of the kids. After all, it’s the OP’s turn to be involved with all the Christmas activities with her children.
But the husband expressed that the wife was making too big of a deal out of everything and that he hates the idea of Santa, as it is basically lying to the kids.
Can Santa-related Christmas activities be called a plain lie to kids? Well, we did some digging and found out that he isn’t the only one with this kind of opinion. For instance, a philosopher at Douglas College, Kira Tomsons, argues that it is wrong to lie to children about ontological realities, as it counts as wronging them, even if they aren’t directly harmed by it.
On the other hand, others argue that telling children that Santa is real isn’t technically a lie, it’s just an encouragement of participation in a fantasy that means no harm, just like the fantasies that fictional stories from books and movies encourage. So, the decision is to each their own - you either see it as a deception of children or a nice encouragement of a fantasy.
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual photo)
As we can see, the parents from the Reddit story were of very different opinions on this question. It went to the extent that such a claim of Santa's activity being a lie prompted the mom to become the OP of this post, as she came to Reddit wondering if she stepped over the line with the whole situation like her husband suggested she did.
Well, let’s just say that netizens were pretty much united in their response about who stepped over the line in this story - let’s hear the drum roll - it is the mother-in-law! According to them, the MIL should learn that she’s a grandmother, not a mother to these children. After all, she still can experience the magic of Christmas while being in the grandma role. At the same time, folks online noted that the OP shouldn’t ask to do Christmas her way, she should demand it - it’s her home and her children!
To get more insight about disagreements between roles of family members in Christmas celebrations, Bored Panda reached out to a psychologist, Dr. Patrice Berry. Make sure to check out her Instagram and YouTube channels!
Patrice notes that it is very important to establish boundaries when it comes to everyone's role in Christmas activities. Also, the boundaries must be stated and not assumed. “The best boundaries are about what I am willing to do and not willing to do versus about controlling the other person’s behavior. If I know that my family member typically takes over control of an event, I would first talk with my partner and we would decide what we are and are not willing to do.”
She added, “The people who are upset and ‘triggered’ by our boundaries often need them the most. Managing expectations is also really important. Sometimes we think that people will change their behavior and be different around the holidays, but I love the saying ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’ (Maya Angelou).”
But, if the conflict still arises, Dr. Berry provided 6 steps that can be taken to resolve it:
- “Manage expectations and focus on what is in your control (your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions, your behavior)”
- “Set clear boundaries”
- “Enforce the boundary, for example, ‘if you talk negatively about us in front of the children, we will limit how often you see them’”.
- “Have empathy and show care and understanding. Attempt to see things from the other person’s perspective.”
- “If setting boundaries is difficult, check out Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries Find Peace or her new book Drama Free Family, both of these resources have practice tips for setting healthy boundaries.”
- “If there is severe family conflict, seek the support of a licensed family therapist.”
So, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation to the OP, remember Dr. Berry's and netizens' advice, and don't let your MIL (or any other family member) walk over you. After all, Christmas should be a merry occasion for all.
Folks online unitedly decided that MIL overstepped any existing boundaries by trying to act like a mother and not a grandmother
