30 Epic Comebacks That’ll Make You Jealous You Didn’t Think of Them

Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea." Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

Once my teacher was wearing a pair of sunglasses in class. I told him he looked like a douche and he said are you sure it's not your reflection you see in them needless to say everyone laughed

Once, someone was making fun of my family saying how annoying we were, so I turned around and said "Yeah, my family tree isn't the greatest, but at least it's a tree. Your's is a cactus, each person is one of the little pricks

When a couple of Frenchmen turned away from the Duke of Wellington at a diplomatic event, a woman apologized to him for their behavior. He responded by saying "I have seen their backs before, madam."

I was bartending one night at work and this girl came up trying to get free drinks and asked, "can a pretty girl get a free drink." So I responded, "find me a pretty girl and I'll give her one."

I don't know if it can be considered a roast, but I always enjoyed the story of President Coolidge at a dinner party. Coolidge was known to be a man of few words and so the woman next to him informed him that she had bet someone she could get more than two words out of him, to which he replied "You lose."

My eight-year-old granddaughter told her older brother the only way he'd ever hurt himself during an activity is if the TV exploded.

"People like you are the reason shampoo bottles come with instructions."

My friend once got in an argument with my professor about something. Maybe it was for not getting the lead role in a school project or something but the argument was getting pretty heated up. At one point, he almost yelled to my professor, "Mr. Professor, I think you're really underestimating me!" At which he calmly replied, "No, Mr [Friend]. it's impossible to underestimate you."

In 1974, Muhammad Ali shocked the world by defeating George Foreman in the legendary “Rumble in the Jungle” in Zaire. At the press conference before the fight, Ali wowed everyone with his quick wit and unshakable confidence. His most memorable moment came when he declared, "I’m so mean, I make medicine sick." After dropping the mic, he walked off, solidifying his status as not only a boxing legend but also a master of showmanship and charisma.

Winston Churchill to Lady Astor or Bessie Braddock: "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."

Wasnt at school but about school. I told my co-worker I was prom king and his reply was, oh yeah werent you home schooled.

One day when I my daughter up from preschool she greeted me with "what do you have for me, daddy?"
I said an apple.
"What else do you have for me?"
Hugs and kisses. :D
"Can I just have the apple instead?"

I was at a small party when I was younger. There was a guy that kept going on and on about what a player he was and how many women he gets. He bragged at his notches on his bed posts. After hours of his s**t I finally asked, “Does your mom get mad about you bring sheep into the house?” He shut up really quick and all his friends laughed their a***s off and nicknamed him sheep boy.

This nerdy kid was walking through the halls when a bully-type did that thing where you slap the books out of someone's hand. The nerd had a brand new novel in his hands. Immediately upon getting hit he yelled "Hey! That book is worth more than you are!" And then under his breath but still loud enough for everyone to hear "It cost me five f*****g dollars this morning..."

Alexander the Great found the philosopher (Diogenes) looking attentively at a pile of human bones. Diogenes explained, "I am searching for the bones of your father but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave.

I was talking with me friends and one of them after I tried to get their attention said, “sorry I don’t speak stupid” I never in my life have I responded faster then I did then with, “Then I guess your mute”
Now that I’ve written it down it seems a lot less cool but still my proudest moment.

I asked an old coworker, who was 5'6" and had the attitude to match, if his body or personality stopped growing first

There was a girl on my bus who was constantly teased for her weight. They always came up with the most ignorant of names to call her and she would try to ignore them.
At one point, one of the guys who had been teasing her, started up another round of insults, asking her "which type of food she slept in bed with last night" and she turns around and says, "Wouldn't you like to know, crater face?" (referencing his severe acne)

My math teacher asked if I was going to invite him to my wedding. It was completely out of the blue, if I recall, so I'm flustered. "Um, well, I'm not making any plans right now..." (I don't even remember what I said because of what comes next) The only other guy in my class (Small school) said: "The question is whether or not the teacher will be alive by then." He's in his mid-30s. Ouch. Wasn't even mad, the roast was so good.