"It Makes Us Feel Like Creeps": 25 Men Share Their Issues With Modern Dating

To learn more about the difficulties that men encounter when dating today, we reached out to dating and relationships coach Rachel New, who was kind enough to share her thoughts with Bored Panda.

First, Rachel noted that not knowing what the “rules” are is a common frustration for not only heterosexual men, but heterosexual women as well. "These men complain that they don’t know whether to take it slow (at both the messaging stage and moving the dates along to intimacy) and that women expect them to read their minds," the expert explained.

"And some of these women worry that they will come across as too keen if they want to meet up rather than message a lot, or that the man will think they aren’t interested if they take longer to be ready to meet or don’t want to kiss on a first date," Rachel says.

"Men are also expected to take the initiative to arrange the date, but can be criticized for 'taking over' or being too controlling or assertive," she continued. "And when they arrange the date, often the woman will not like what he has planned, particularly if it involves food."

The dating expert also noted that finding a partner today might be even harder than it was in the past. "These expectations for men to have a good income, take the lead, and be physically attractive have been around for centuries, but now there is an added desire for men to be confident and strong and comfortable with emotions and being vulnerable!" Rachel shared.

While there are some men that get a lot of attention on dating apps without much effort, that's not the case for everyone. "There is another subset of men that never get any matches or messages, partly because of the superficial nature of dating apps that are so focused on appearance," Rachel noted. "Research shows that men that have more to offer (skills of emotional connection, humor, empathy, listening skills, ability to take advice and change their views or behavior, and so on) will do better meeting people in real life."

But not everything about modern dating has made men's lives more difficult. "On the other hand, dating apps do make it easier for men to approach women without having to worry that they’re harassing them," Rachel says. "If you’re at the gym, at work or in a bar or café, it’s difficult to know whether talking to a woman is appropriate or an invasion of privacy, and of course, you don’t know if the woman is open to dating. (This applies to all genders and orientations, of course – but for heterosexual men, there is another layer of concern about safety and privilege.)"

The dating expert also shared some of the best advice she has for men dating in this modern world. "It’s helpful to understand that we can all be too judgmental about small things because they remind us of something that happened in a previous dating experience or relationship," Rachel says.

"We are vigilant because we want to protect ourselves from getting hurt or from disappointment. So when women say 'Don’t bother messaging me if …' on dating profiles, it sounds very intolerant but actually comes from a place of protection and empowerment: I deserve to be treated well and I’m not taking any risks," she explained.

Rachel also says that talking openly is the healthiest way to avoid these common misunderstandings and frustrations. "If you’re not sure whether you’re going too fast or slow, just ask 'What pace works best for you? I’ve found in the past that people vary in what they feel comfortable with, so it would be helpful for you to tell me if I’m going too slowly or quickly,'" the expert suggests. "It’s important that this is two-way: a woman who is in a good place for healthy dating will ask you back: 'What works best for you?'"

Rachel shared that she often discusses with her straight male clients the need to understand what might be driving the expectations of the other person. "Expecting someone to read your mind is unrealistic and often comes from an unmet need for a responsive caregiver," she noted.

"As very young infants, we need our caregivers to know when we’re hungry, tired, too hot or cold or distressed, and to respond appropriately. We can only cry at that stage, so we need them to read our minds. If we experience that responsiveness and attunement as young infants, we can move onto more emotionally mature developmental stages where we can simply request what we need and not feel wounded when people don’t always 'get' us immediately," Rachel explained.