Seeing your spouse become ill is an absolute nightmare. It’s terrifying to realize that they might not be around forever, and it can be frustrating to have to accept that their health is out of your control. Naturally, most people take this opportunity to do everything they can for their partner. Even if they can’t be healthy, they can at least feel loved and supported.
Unfortunately, however, it seems that some men crumble under the pressure of such a situation. Redditors have recently been discussing why men are statistically far more likely to abandon an ill spouse than women are, so we’ve gathered some of their responses below. We’ll warn you right now, pandas, that some of these stories are heartbreaking. But they’re great reminders to be incredibly careful about who you choose to marry.
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#1
Because men are taught that women are supposed to care for them, not the other way around. They feel they *deserve* a partner who puts their needs last. A man voluntarily taking care of their sick wife is a rarity. I’m very glad I’m a gay woman because of stuff like this. I definitely want an equal partnership, but of course I’ll care for my spouse if they need me. Because, y’know, that’s true love. Romance is only a small part of it, which is something a lot of men don’t seem to understand.
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7points
#2
My grandmother got MS in her forties. My grandfather faithfully took care of her until he died from a heart attack. My mother has had mental health issues since her thirties and my father has been taken care of her ever since. They’re both in their seventies now. There are good men out there.
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7points
#3
Yep. Happened to me at 28. After being diagnosed with endometriosis, painful bladder syndrome, and after having a miscarriage, 5.5 years of marriage down the drain so he could leave for a woman 10 years younger than us that was healthy and "fun".
He actually had a really elaborate plan. He had signed up for several dating sites, and went on many dates in my car to make sure he found the "right person" right before the hysterectomy surgery date that he actually helped me pick out.
I've now been divorced for three years, and I haven't dated since and never will. My healthy friends always say, "Someone who really loves you wouldn't leave because you're sick", but I'm not willing to take a second risk to find out.
He actually had a really elaborate plan. He had signed up for several dating sites, and went on many dates in my car to make sure he found the "right person" right before the hysterectomy surgery date that he actually helped me pick out.
I've now been divorced for three years, and I haven't dated since and never will. My healthy friends always say, "Someone who really loves you wouldn't leave because you're sick", but I'm not willing to take a second risk to find out.
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7points
Everyone who’s gotten married felt comfortable vowing to stand by their partner “in sickness and in health,” but it turns out that many people didn’t really comprehend what that meant. If your partner is in a car accident and ends up disabled, you might have to be their caretaker. If your spouse gets cancer, you must be by their side.
Sadly, however, research has found that women are over six times more likely to be abandoned when they’re ill than men are. And the stories on this list make it clear that this is a common occurrence, not some rare phenomenon. As far as why this is, many people note that women are conditioned to stay by their partner no matter what. Whereas men cheat on their partners more, and clearly, some don’t take the commitment of marriage as seriously.
#4
Can confirm. My fiancée dumped me the day before I got my official cancer diagnosis. We knew it was coming, but it’s a process of “well this doesn’t look right, let’s do some scans” and then a biopsy, and then after that the doctor wants to see you in person instead of giving results over the phone. Good times, man.
Last I heard he’s been married and divorced a couple of times, whereas I kicked cancer’s a*s and am about to celebrate 9 years married to my actual best friend so I guess I win!
Last I heard he’s been married and divorced a couple of times, whereas I kicked cancer’s a*s and am about to celebrate 9 years married to my actual best friend so I guess I win!
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6points
#5
Women are socialized to do care work while men are socialized to have someone at home to do their care work (care for the house, for them, for the children, for their parents etc.) and not do it themselves so this wouldn't be surprising at all that women tend to stay if their partner needs them more than the other way around...
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5points
#6
So my dad got Lyme disease a few years ago and it was really affecting his arm. He thought he might never be able to play tennis again and he was acting like the god d**n world might spin off of its axis.
In 2019 my mom got diagnosed with uterine cancer and she was obviously freaking out about dying. My dad said, “If it were her, I’d be ready to go.”.
In 2019 my mom got diagnosed with uterine cancer and she was obviously freaking out about dying. My dad said, “If it were her, I’d be ready to go.”.
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5points
Vikki Stark, psychotherapist and author of Planet Heartbreak: Abandoned Wives Tell Their Stories, coined the term “Wife Abandonment Syndrome” to describe the experience of a man suddenly leaving his wife without ever telling her that he was unhappy. She explains that he often moves in with a girlfriend when this happens, leaving his wife confused and devastated.
While this doesn’t always happen because of an illness, of course, the idea that a man can simply throw away a seemingly happy marriage overnight is not new. “When women find my book and website, they feel profoundly relieved to know that there’s a definition for what happened to them,” Stark says. “They’re not crazy, and they are part of a community of other women who have experienced the same thing.”
#7
Absolutely believe this statistic is correct. My husband had a cerebral hemorrhage 12 years ago. I take care of everything, which is a huge change from the first 20 years of our marriage. Had the tables been turned, there is no doubt in my mind that he would have found a way to leave me or have me put into a home. I’m not upset about this, strange as that may sound! It’s just the way it is. I don’t think I would want him to take care of me because I don’t think he could.
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5points
#8
I’ve seen this happen. Three family friends’ husbands left them when they got cancer. Four wives stayed when their husbands got cancer. Two stayed when their husbands came down with ALS. Three others stayed when their husbands got Alzheimer’s or early onset dementia.
Only one woman I know of left her husband when he came down with Huntington’s. Coincidence or not, it was a marriage where she was the breadwinner and he stayed at home with the house and kids.
People who are used to being the one taken care of don’t adapt well when they suddenly have to be the caretaker.
Only one woman I know of left her husband when he came down with Huntington’s. Coincidence or not, it was a marriage where she was the breadwinner and he stayed at home with the house and kids.
People who are used to being the one taken care of don’t adapt well when they suddenly have to be the caretaker.
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5points
#9
My mom recently died from cancer. She was only 50 and was sick for a little over a year. Her boyfriend of over a decade stayed and cared for her with me until the end. He had no obligation to do so and was not included in her life insurance or anything (she wanted it all to go to me and my siblings). He's made it clear that he still wants to be a part of our lives. I know this is the opposite of your question, but that has been my experience. He's a good dude.
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5points
We hope it goes without saying, pandas, but just to be clear: we know that not all men are like this. There are wonderful husbands out there who would never abandon their spouse. And on the flip side, there are men who get left behind by their wives when they become ill too. But as the research has shown, this is a pattern among men. And it deserves to be brought to light. Keep upvoting the stories that touch you, and if you’d like to read another article from Bored Panda featuring similar stories, look no further than right here.
#10
My mom (69) was recently diagnosed with an aggressive, lethal brain cancer (GBM). My dad (75) wants to be by her side all the time. We get him out to go shooting or run errands for a few hours but he said, “I just want to take care of her. I just want her to be as happy and comfortable as possible.”
I know statistics and other people’s’ experiences, show otherwise, but there really are phenomenal men out there!!
My (37) own husband (43) has stood by my side through some severe bouts of depression. He is such a rock for me and our two kids. He’s also taken care of me at different times (ie, double reconstructive foot surgery, broken ribs) and is so involved with our kids’ lives. He honestly does more around the house than I do.
I know statistics and other people’s’ experiences, show otherwise, but there really are phenomenal men out there!!
My (37) own husband (43) has stood by my side through some severe bouts of depression. He is such a rock for me and our two kids. He’s also taken care of me at different times (ie, double reconstructive foot surgery, broken ribs) and is so involved with our kids’ lives. He honestly does more around the house than I do.
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5points
#11
I've read some posts and heard tons of anecdotes from healthcare workers. It's demoralizing.
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4points
#12
Unfortunately it was very common at the nursing home I worked in. So many women who were just dumped there by their husbands who went off to live a new life. It was really depressing to witness.
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4points
#13
A husband is also more likely to cheat just after their wife gives birth. The more I hear about this the sadder it makes me. Women really do always have the worst end of all the sticks.
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4points
#14
I saw this and whilst I'm not surprised, I am appauled. "Through sickness and in health", yeah right.
I always think about my own parents who divorced 20 years ago and it was not a pleasant divorce. It's not quite the same situation as leaving a spouse whilst ill, but the gender imbalance is really stark. 5 years ago my father underwent some surgery and he had no one to look after him afterwards whilst bedridden and for whatever reason my mother stepped up. My mother literally wiped his a*s and took him back to the hospital when he bled through his stitches, saving his life. I remember him saying how grateful he was, how important family was etc.
My mother has surgery 3 years ago actually to sort out a chronic pain situation. She was bedridden for about 8 weeks, and then not steady on her feet for another few months. And where's my father? Absolutely nowhere to be seen, out of the country by all accounts.
I always think about my own parents who divorced 20 years ago and it was not a pleasant divorce. It's not quite the same situation as leaving a spouse whilst ill, but the gender imbalance is really stark. 5 years ago my father underwent some surgery and he had no one to look after him afterwards whilst bedridden and for whatever reason my mother stepped up. My mother literally wiped his a*s and took him back to the hospital when he bled through his stitches, saving his life. I remember him saying how grateful he was, how important family was etc.
My mother has surgery 3 years ago actually to sort out a chronic pain situation. She was bedridden for about 8 weeks, and then not steady on her feet for another few months. And where's my father? Absolutely nowhere to be seen, out of the country by all accounts.
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4points
#15
Just look at all the men who leave their wives after breast cancer mastectomies.
Lots of men are trash and can’t be a decent person if they have to actually put in effort in my experience.
Lots of men are trash and can’t be a decent person if they have to actually put in effort in my experience.
4points
#16
I’ve seen it in my own small town recently. Mom had breast and brain cancer and the dad cheated on her with a mom from their kid’s baseball team. She was dragging herself to games with drains hanging from her neck and chest and he was sneaking out at night to s***w the neighbor while her friends took care of her, the house and the kids.
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4points
#17
I’ve seen it happen multiple times with my mum’s friends. The second she gets ill, the husband does a runner.
One in particular makes me sad beyond belief. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She declined fast. It was horrible to watch. They set up a bedroom in the living room as it was too hard for her to walk up the stairs. As she was lying there dying, he was bringing his new girlfriend round, walking through the living room (past his dying wife) and going upstairs for s*x. She had to listen to that countless times before she died. Heartless POS.
I’ve also read tons of studies in to this. There’s loads of statistic and evidence to back this all up.
One in particular makes me sad beyond belief. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She declined fast. It was horrible to watch. They set up a bedroom in the living room as it was too hard for her to walk up the stairs. As she was lying there dying, he was bringing his new girlfriend round, walking through the living room (past his dying wife) and going upstairs for s*x. She had to listen to that countless times before she died. Heartless POS.
I’ve also read tons of studies in to this. There’s loads of statistic and evidence to back this all up.
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4points
#18
Well my dad cheated on his first wife when she was dying of cancer sooo.
4points
#19
I have rheumatoid arthritis and I get treatment with an infusion once a month. Before covid all the infusion patients and nurses were in a big suite together and would chat. One time a nurse and another patient and I were talking and the nurse told us about how many men leave their wives when they get sick with something like RA that isn't even fatal, but can be debilitating. She says she doesn't see that with her male patients and their wives. She said that all the nurses are well aware of this statistic and have seen the trend themselves.
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4points
#20
I don't know if anyone here watches the Real Housewives franchise but Yolanda Hadid (mom of Gigi and Bella) was on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for a few seasons, during which she struggled a lot with Lyme disease. She was married to David Foster at the time and they divorced very quickly after her illness started to become a major issue in her life.
You could tell that he really didn't want to look after her while she was sick and that he was so used to her doing everything for him. It was as if once the tables were turned and it was time for him to look after her he just bolted. I know this may not be a perfect example but it's the first thing that came to my mind while reading the post!
You could tell that he really didn't want to look after her while she was sick and that he was so used to her doing everything for him. It was as if once the tables were turned and it was time for him to look after her he just bolted. I know this may not be a perfect example but it's the first thing that came to my mind while reading the post!
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3points