44 Men Reveal What Snapped Them Out Of Toxic Masculinity And Alpha Male Online Worlds

I was angry, miserable, and I hated everyone. Eventually I just had to accept that while the philosophy made me feel better by removing my responsibility, it didn't help me be happy.

So I just disconnected from it. I didn't deprogram or anything. I just got off of the social media pages I was following.

Then one day I was working in a shipyard. I had worked with this girl before, and knew she was good at her job. Quite competent. But that day we were working in the shop where all the bosses walked through to get to the office. Almost every single one felt the need to stop and tell her how to do her job. Telling her basic things she already knew. And that was the first time it really started to sink in for me what feminism was talking about, because they would have never treated a man the same way in that situation.

That stuff was after my time, but I did outgrow stupid notions of what masculinity means. You realize that real strength comes from responsibility, kindness to strangers, creating joy for and taking care of the ones who rely on and love you, and allowing *them* to care for you too.

You gotta break the cycle, especially if you want to have kids. It’s on you

Any dumb mf can hurt people, that’s not what being real is.

Being friends with guys who actually had happy girlfriends.


The cutest thing I ever heard in my life was the time i was in a call with both guys and girls hanging out (another important factor)


One guy's girlfriend came home and hearing her call for him with the cutest pet name and hearing how happy she was to get home to him before he brb and muted made it click for early 20s me.


This guy didnt flex his status he just made people WANT to come to him.


I started paying more attention to his corner of the friend group and realized this guy is just here for good vibes


Never tried to talk trash or tease others. Didn't roast anyone. No mind games, just brought everyone up.


I started paying attention to guys with happier relationships and now I just hear everything out. Took years, but i worked on it. 


Before i knew it, that energy spread. people saw me being good to their friend and approached me because of it. 


I made people feel safe. That's pretty manly. Good energy is contagious man.

My grandfather who was a great negotiator told me: if you let your emotions dictate your actions, you’ve lost.

The key word here is emotions, as opposed to morals, values, logic, reason etc.

The manosphere focuses a lot on anger, frustration and finger pointing. It’s nothing but letting your worst emotions take over. That’s just weak.

1. Girls are much nicer than what I thought.
I was in it because of my insecurities. I accept that I am insecure, even though I am doing reasonably well financially, I am very fit., etc. I routinely ask my girlfriend, "why would you want to be with me? I have an uncertain future, I am not so rich, etc." She has always replied with "you work hard, you love me and are kind, you are cute and take care of your self, that is all that matters.” That helped me snap out of the toxic masculine thinking of girls only date because of money, height, etc.


2. It is okay to make mistakes and learn from them

MAking mistakes does not make you weak. Makes you human. Learn, reflect, move on.

I got my brother out of it! He kept saying he was the alpha in his life and demanded respect and telling me how he runs his household and has the final say with his wife. I finally cold-called him one day and said “you know, everyone knows who the alpha is in a group. If you gotta tell people you’re the alpha… you’re not. Alpha males don’t lord over people, insecure men do.” That was his slap back into reality. He still has his moments but last I heard he is doing MUCH better.

I started down that road after my first divorce. I wanted a reason to explain why my marriage had failed, and it was tempting to blame women, because that meant it wasn't my fault at all. I read a few books and made some cringe life changes...but luckily it felt forced to me, and I couldn't get past the undertones of hate toward women. My therapist (a woman) was also very helpful, hearing my complaints and frustrations, but gently guiding me away from hate and toward personal growth. I learned to accept my role in the divorce, and that it had nothing to do with me not being "manly" enough.

I think that's the key: finding responsibility, acceptance, and growth, rather than pursuing the easy fix of blaming everything on someone else. It's harder, but it's empowering as hell.

I left the church.

You don’t need outside validation to know who you truly are.

The more I spent time in that space (10+ years ago), the more it felt those guys were deeply insecure about their own masculinity. As I matured I started believing I don’t need to do all those superficial things to be a “man”. IMO, a real man works and takes care of his family. Spends time with them and teaches. Selfless. It means being a man that your children and grandchildren would be proud to say who you are to their peers. Real men don’t boast about going to the gym, or sleeping with tons of women, beating up nerds, being “alpha”, it’s all complete and total dross. That stuff doesn’t matter. Nobody is going to remember any of that. What will be remembered is how upstanding, selfless, and caring of a man you are to the people that actually matter to you.

I wasnt that deep into it in the first place, but i think rejecting a woman really made me empathize with all the women who rejected me before and i understood where they were coming from. If i were in their place, i would mostly make the same choices.

And then i got to know a depressed woman and noticed that she was facing the exact struggles that all those incels talk about all the time, just from the female side.

We arent that different after all.

Not a manosphere type but more just good old fashioned toxic masculinity.

I grew up a redneck trailer baby in Appalachian Georgia. Being in the military was the pinnacle of masculinity. Caring about what you look like, personal hygiene, diet, cleaning house were all considered feminine. I’ve even had more than one conversation with more than one person about how abs are gay. (I’m not kidding, and I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t think it was so ridiculous at the time). Then I joined the marine corps where you shave, iron your uniform, shower, get weekly haircuts, diet, exercise, clean EVERYTHING. If you’re not in the field you are expected to be straight up manicured most of the time. The military is all about appearances. Then people started considering me a pretty boy. I realized the people who taught me masculinity were oblivious. They either don’t know enough about the military, or they do know enough and they ignore the inconsistencies. Either way, they are basing their idea of masculinity on a standard they warped to fit their lives. Not the best source of advice imo.

The military wasn’t the only inconsistency I noticed, but it was the one that I thought no one could argue and they all did anyways.

This was back in 2010s but I was 18-24 and a jerk who thought he was a nice guy. I started getting into men's rights groups cause I wanted to know about problems that affect me. At first it was fine. Then the red pilling came and the group's I was in started getting angrier toward woman. When I was 25 I moved to a new town started working out made new friends and I guess that was enough to start getting attention from woman and I had an epiphany that it was always me and I gotta stop comparing myself to others. True nobility lies with comparing you to your former self. .

1. A massive scandal inside the church in 2014 that I was attending which was covered up by the men I most respected, I actually threw up, and continue to have nightmares about what they did.
2. The rise of trump, from 2015 I could see the writing on the wall, honest to god.
3. In 2016 The whole Dr. Peterson anti trans movement?? gross
4. The pandemic and the inability to show compassion to those suffering 2020
5. Everything else you could see and feel with dogwhistles from both sides, you could see the two movements colliding, and sitting on the side with the most empathy and compassion was the correct choice, although not easy as I live in extremely conservative land, with countless bigots, including my family.

Marrying someone smarter than Me. I dated women who needed me for seemingly everything. Either money, emotional stability, entertainment, etc. But when I met my someday wife I felt so underwhelming. I couldn't believe someone so clever, beautiful, and smart would tackle this egotist and make him actually feel. Something the others could not do.

That real strength is not hard, as in tough and belligerent.

The fortitude and strength it takes to be steady, principled, kind, loving and empathetic, to practice understanding and forgiveness, is far greater than any strength to destroy. As a matter of fact, it is the thing that *stops* destruction in its tracks.

Strength builds you, the people around you, and society in general. Anything that does the opposite is weakness.

That its all about hiding being afraid. Not actually being brave.

You feel like you have to be seen as satisfying the role. At some level you know you aren't that thing, but you just keep wrapping that truth in performance, lies, anxiety and self loathing.

When you meet people who are actually confident, not just performing like you. Its unsettling and weird. Out of your comfort zone.

The realization is that men raised in this culture are terrified all the time. Everything else is projection.

In all honesty - becoming gay. That makes you realise that a lot of patriarchal talk isn’t right.

I remember listening to Elon musk talk to Joe Rogan about doctors being paid to fake covid or something and I was so confused I had to call my mom who worked as a nurse and ask her about it. She was so disappointed in me I had to rethink all my life choices.

Too old for manosphere but still former toxic male.

For me it was growing up, falling in love, getting far away from my broken home, and meeting different types of people. Oh and therapy.

But seriously, living internationally, talking to different types of people and watching different families interact made me realize how messed up my life was and changed the way I felt about being a man. I’m a much better person in my 30s than I was as a teenager or even a twenty something.

I realize that no matter how much I hustled, worked out, strived to be the man’s man, I was only harming myself. I felt so alone and disconnected from everyone. Even people that I was close to by proximity, I wasn’t able to be open and my full self. I started getting curious and read about human connection. And when I started reading about how to develop intimacy and connection in relationships, I realized that I had been denying a huge part of myself from not just myself but it was like a wall to the people around me. It’s been a long journey to unlearn the toxic masculinity and face the shame that has kept me trapped, but I now to look for opportunities daily to be vulnerable and open about my inner world. I’m so much more free and less judgmental.