It’s no big secret that happily-ever-after takes a lot of work – however, the problem is that sometimes you get so blinded by the whole idea of marriage that you fail to see its true colors.
“People whose marriages lasted less than a year, months, weeks, days, or even hours, when did you realize you’d made a mistake and why?” – this netizen took to Reddit to query others on their failed wedlock. The post garnered over 25K upvotes as well as 4.6K comments containing some bizarre stories.
More info: Reddit | Matt and Sarah Davies
#1
Two months in he told me I was too fat and will no longer be [making love] with me. I lost 75lbs in three months (by doing it the wrong way) and he told me he was already seeing someone else. He seemed surprised my parents would no longer pay his bills, and was kicked off their property 30 days later (per laws of my state).
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233points
To get a more professional outlook on wedlock and why it sometimes fails, Bored Panda reached out to Matt and Sarah Davies. First things first, let’s start with a little introduction: Matt and Sarah Davies are co-authors of the self-help book “You, Me and the Space Between Us: How to (Re)Build Your Relationship.” It was published in February 2023 and includes stories from their own journey through relationship therapy as well as vignettes from the clients they have worked with.
Matt Davies is a marriage counselor and psycho-sexual and relationship therapist, while Sarah Davies is a movement and somatic coach, trainer and a founding member of Open Floor movement practice. Together they blend therapeutic techniques with movement in workshops on sexuality and relationships and see clients in therapy sessions, as well as in their individual practices in London and South East in the UK.
Now, BP asked the experts why relationships fail, and they replied as follows: “Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Relationship difficulties are normal. Yet, when indifference sets in, when you or your partner don’t care about the relationship anymore, that’s trouble. An inability to manage conflict can lead to this or a breach of trust or ongoing long-term disappointment.”
#2
When my (former) buddy called me to tell me he got herpes from my wife.
I was in Afghanistan.
Edit: I did not contract it. My buddy called to *warn* me.
Edit II: that was years ago. I'm retired now and remarried happily to an amazing woman that somehow tolerates me.
Edit III: I am thankful he told me.
197points
We also wondered if a marriage can be saved: “Yes, together, you can save your marriage, rebuild trust, rekindle the passion and manifest love. Inevitably it will take both people to be willing for this to happen and a willingness to tolerate the vulnerability that this will require. The openness to learn to communicate, to talk and listen, and to listen not only to what is being said verbally but also non-verbally. With that will come an understanding of each other’s emotional and physical needs, and by validating that, emotional and psychological intimacy can be built.”
“Only you can know if it’s worth staying in this relationship. Suppose the problems are not about this relationship but how you are in the relationship. In that case, there is a probability that you will recreate this same relationship dynamic in your next relationship. At some point, you might feel ready or interested to stay and work through that.
There’s an 80/20 guideline. If 80% of this relationship is good enough, then it’s good enough. If the remaining 20% is a bit lacklustre, irritating or some distance from your ideal, you might find ways to forgive. If there is emotional abuse or physical violence, then leave the relationship,” Matt and Sarah added when we asked if saving a relationship is worthwhile.
#3
On our honeymoon she didn’t want to do anything but fight, so I left 2 days early to be with my dog lol. Then she stopped wearing her ring and refused to tell people she was married, referring to me as her boyfriend instead. The final straw was when my grandpa was dying and she said “I wish he’d just hurry up and die already. I’m tired of this apartment being so depressing all the time”
Made it 4 months in all before filing for divorce
Edit: I want to thank you all for the support and the interest in my little story here. I’ve been getting a lot of repeat questions, so I’ll put a little FAQ here.
How long were we together?: We were together about a year, give or take a little.
Did I not notice the red flags?: The relationship seemed relatively normal until we got married. She had her share of issues (bad childhood, severe anxiety, bulemia) but I was dumb and thought I could fix them.
If there were red flags, why did I marry her?: I had just had a really bad breakup with my girlfriend of 4 years a few months before meeting my first wife. We had made plans for our future (marriage, kids, the works) and the breakup really messed me up. I was insecure and afraid of being alone, so I probably would have married anyone. Young, dumb, and unoccustomed to heartbreak.
Did I keep the dog?: of course. I may have gotten rid of the wife, but no chance in hell was I getting rid of the dog. We took her and moved her far away and now she’s got lots of people around all the time to spoil her and fatten her with treats. She recently got a little brother who tolerates haha.
Are things better now?: very much so. I took a few years being single and just learning who I was and wanted to me. I’m happily remarried, and this time it’s stuck. And I’m stuck. My wife won’t let me leave, send help /s
183points
#4
To be honest I didn't really want to be married to her; however she was determined to get married by age 24 regardless, and at the time I had significant difficulties saying "No", I was working 60+ odd hours a week in a kitchen to help pay for everything and I was struggling with my mental health at the time and we grew further and further apart emotionally.
I found out less than 5 months into the marriage that she had been unfaithful to me for at least a year - so 6/7 months before the wedding, whilst she had been planning it she had been sleeping with other people. Whilst she had been putting serious pressure on me to provide £££ for her dream wedding she had also had an abortion because she didn't know whether I would have been the father or not.
When I found this all out I basically had a breakdown and tried taking my own life, I also spent a few years after this blaming myself for the breakdown of my marriage and her behaviour.
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161points
We then invited our experts to share some go-to tips that might help you mend the relationship:
- “Increase your self-care. In times of relationship stress or crisis, ensure you take care of yourself. Find ways to support yourself that help you to feel resilient and grounded. To navigate the bumpy terrain, it helps to feel as safe and at home in yourself as you can be.
- Keep talking about what’s difficult. Please don’t ignore it or push it away. Admit to negative feelings or aspects of your relationship that you find challenging. If you can’t talk to your partner about it, find a therapist or someone else you can trust.
- Eliminate criticism. Behind that criticism will be something you need; find non-confrontational ways to express what you need instead of moaning, blaming or criticising. You might not get your needs met, but at least you practice saying what they are.
- Keep appreciating, even those tiny little things you’ve taken for granted, and verbalise your gratitude. Say thank you for anything you can muster some appreciation of; don’t underestimate the power of positivity!
- Maintain physical touch; if you’re not sexually intimate, don’t give up on the cuddles, hand-holding or other opportunities to be in sensual contact.”
#5
Cliffs: My new wife changed the second I said "I do." She instantly became controlling, manipulative, and would lie about anything to get her way (and double down when caught). The marriage lasted about 10 months.
Before we got married, she was considerate, kind, and sweet. Apparently all for show.
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148points
#6
When she cheated on me for the third time in 10 months. Because for some reason the first two didn't convince me....
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132points
Last but certainly not least, Matt and Sarah Davies said: “A relationship can be a safe container through which to grow, be seen, develop an ability to enjoy intimacy and reach our potential. Having a loving partner on this life journey is immensely rewarding because of the challenges, not despite them. Relationships are the hub of families, communities, and societies. If we are to find ways to improve our world and create meaningful lives for ourselves, loving relationships are at the centre of this.”
#7
I had 2 good friends who were brothers. They were party animals. Out drinking at bars all the time, sleeping with different women every weekend, recreational [illegal substances]. Their idols were the whole "Jackass" crew back in the day. They just loved that whole bachelor lifestyle, and to be honest, I was a bit jealous of the fun they were having. I was in a longer term relationship for many years.
Eventually the younger brother settled down and got engaged to a really nice girl. Something broke in the older brothers mind and he suddenly was in some sort of "race" to get married before his younger brother. He kept living the bachelor life style, but then one day annouced to us all he was engaged to be married and with his fiancé they'd set a wedding date to be married 6 months before his younger brother.
None of us ever met this girl before we found out he was engaged. When we did meet her, it was clear he'd not been open with her about his lifestyle. She was a very prim and proper lady. Very shy, quiet. They worked together, so she only knew the professional side of him.
Over the months leading to the wedding, his partying kept going. He was cheating on her with one night stands but she was oblivious. Our group of friends told him he needed to tell her what he was doing, but he refused.
Eventually the younger brother settled down and got engaged to a really nice girl. Something broke in the older brothers mind and he suddenly was in some sort of "race" to get married before his younger brother. He kept living the bachelor life style, but then one day annouced to us all he was engaged to be married and with his fiancé they'd set a wedding date to be married 6 months before his younger brother.
None of us ever met this girl before we found out he was engaged. When we did meet her, it was clear he'd not been open with her about his lifestyle. She was a very prim and proper lady. Very shy, quiet. They worked together, so she only knew the professional side of him.
Over the months leading to the wedding, his partying kept going. He was cheating on her with one night stands but she was oblivious. Our group of friends told him he needed to tell her what he was doing, but he refused.
I was nominated to be the one to tell her before it was too late. I met her for coffee and told her how he was cheating on her and the drugs he was using. She was generally taken aback, but she told me to my face, she was still going to marry him and that she could change him. I left with a clear conscience after that.
Fast forward to their wedding day and it is an absolute mess. He is drunk before the reception even starts and passes out in a corner sometime after dinner. As I am leaving, I say goodbye to his bride, and I can see it in her eyes. The definition of regret.
They ended up being together for exactly one year. Her final straw was when she really wanted to go out for a special brunch for their one year anniversary. She made plans at a fancy place. He told her he was going out to party the night before but would be home in time to get some sleep before their anniversary started. He ended up hooking up with some chick he picked up at the bar, and when he finally made it home the next afternoon, his wife had packed her bags and left.
I felt bad for her at first, but then I remembered how I laid everything on the table with her and she still did it. I've never seen or spoken to her again. My friend ended up repeating his pattern. He is on his 4th marriage now, but does seem to have finally settled down this time.
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129points
#8
I had a friend who married one of the most horrible people I’ve ever met. So charming at first, but within the first 3 months of them being together, we all started to notice a few things and we decided none of us liked him. One day we saw hand shaped bruises on her arms, and literally the next day they were at the courthouse getting married. We had a small gathering shortly after, which he ended up turning into their wedding celebration, bachelor party, whatever he could to make it all about him. He got extremely drunk, and basically tried to [take her life] in front of all of us. She told us they didn’t have their rings yet, but they would get them soon, and he walked over to her and started strangling her for embarrassing him. She ended up breaking down, and realizing that for the entire four months of their relationship, and nine days of their marriage, he had progressively gotten more and more abusive, and she made a mistake.
126points
#9
Not me but a friend. Their marriage didn’t last through the reception. Groom got absolutely s**t face drunk and slaps the brides child from a previous relationship and then hits the bride in the face. She filed for an annulment the next morning.
EDIT
Just wanted to update on the fallout a little since this comment has a lot of traction.
Groom was a truck driver (long and short haul) so he and the bride didn’t spend a ton of time together over their relationship so I guess she didn’t know he was like that. The actual assault happened behind closed doors and was kept pretty hush hush until the next morning to save face.
I don’t know enough about marriage law to comment on the legality of their marriage but I was told she would be filling for an annulment so that’s what I wrote.
This all happened about 10 years ago and I’m no longe in contact with the bride but last I heard she was doing better and had moved on. The groom had racked up several thousands of dollars in debt in the brides name during the relationship that wasn’t discovered unTIL things started falling apart. I think he’s in jail now.
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119points
You’ve heard it a million times, but it bears repeating: what’s meant to be will always be. Every relationship goes through its struggles, but is it really worth mending something that cannot be repaired?
Bored Panda hopes that you’ve enjoyed the list and the commentary provided by our experts. Let us know which story stuck out to you the most!
#10
My story is closely related, even if we weren't officially married.
I was planning a wedding with my ex-fiance. I did most of the planning. I work as a nurse, and my father was dying of cancer on the other side of the USA. Between work, PTO taken to care for him, I wasnt in the house much for a few months as my dad had taken a turn for the worst. Found out that she had been f*****g her ex boyfriend both when I was working night shift and when I was in Cali caring for my dying dad. Broke it off 2 months before the wedding and lost a lot of money in the process. I still can't believe that evil witch cheated on me while my dad was dying.
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117points
#11
The guy I married went instantly from being fun and adventurous to an absolute psycho. He stopped using my name and would just call me wife even after I asked him to stop. He started insisting that I didn't need other friends and " aren't you done with that" when I would want to meet up with people. If I hung out with a guy then I was cheating in his mind. I caught him going through my phone to find "proof" there was none. There were two incidents that lead to the bitter end. And then at a concert he FREAKED OUT and had to be dragged off of me because I talked to an old male acquaintance for five minutes. That one left bruises, and I left him. F******d.
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112points
#12
Not my story, but a fraternity brother of my husband had a marriage that lasted maybe 100 days before they split. Apparently she didn't internalize that marrying a military person would mean moving around, and he just assumed she knew and was good with it.
105points
#13
Not myself but my oldest sister. She has been married 5 times. The first one was at 19, they divorced because they were young and not ready to be married. The second marriage she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married and despite my mom advising her to walk away, got married anyway. He cheated, she left. 3rd Marriage lasted 10 years, but they fought a lot (he was a Dr, she's a nurse, 2 intelligent people who couldn't talk to each other about their problems). The 4th Husband was my favourite, he was kind hearted, and the most loving and supportive spouse you could ever hope for. I think she got bored and met someone while she was on a work trip and met another Dr. She sent us an email saying that her and 4th spouse were starting to feel like they were just "friends" and she was moving to New Zealand to start a new life (she wasn't fooling us, we knew there was a new dude). About 6 months later she announced she had a new boyfriend and a year after that we saw that they had been married.
The kicker in all of this is, during my wedding, my very sweet English grandmother said to her "Oh, i do hope that your marriage to (4th) works out". She got upset by this, but I dont blame my grandma for pointing out her revolving door of husbands.
I wish I could invite 4th Husband back into our family, we really miss him and his family.
I wish I could invite 4th Husband back into our family, we really miss him and his family.
103points
#14
I supported us working full time with a one hour commute (each way) via vanpool. She complained about having to pick me up at the vanpool stop after work because, “it was happy hour” at the bars. She also seemed to have trouble keeping other guys’ d***s out of her p***y.
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94points
#15
We got married by mail, a double proxy, only available from one US state. We’re both military. I actually knew before we got our marriage certificate that it wasn’t working, because he became insanely controlling after we moved to Germany together. He would scream at me when I’d ask him to go on road trips on the weekends to see the adorable little German towns. He would scream at me in front of all of his friends (my friends were never invited over), he did not allow me to have access to my own money, which went into our joint account. And when I would buy something I felt I needed on Amazon, he’d scream at me (this would usually be soaps, I have very sensitive skin and can’t use the shampoo/body wash combos that are made for men). He would scream at me over the littlest things like how I folded our towels after they dried. The final straw was when we went on our “honeymoon” to Greece. He brought two guy friends along. He refused to have s*x with me, and even told me he really didn’t want to have s*x at all anymore, and then he publicly humiliated me by screaming at me in a very public venue around a lot of strangers. He of course was cool to his friends and they went swimming, I sat in a beach chair and cried. I just knew it. We made it about 4 months before I moved out.
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91points
#16
Not me but a family member:
She was married after a quick relationship. His family had money, and I think she wanted a nice life. A few months later, she was in a horrific car crash which took her 9-year-old sister’s life, their grandmother, and left her with severe injuries - shattered 3/4 of her face, and she may have broken a hip, and her back too if memory serves. She was in a medically induced coma when her sister’s funeral occurred.
Less than a month or two after she gets out of the hospital, her husband (married about 6 months at this point), says to her, “You need to get over the accident.”
Edit: I should mention that the “money” her husband’s family had was small town money. Thousands, not millions.
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89points
#17
Mine lasted two years(I know over the year limit for the post). The last 6 months of the marriage I deployed to Iraq. I was a happier person while being deployed than I was living at home. That's when I realized I had a toxic home life. I was sacrificing my own happiness to do everything I could to keep my ex happy and just thought thats how its supposed to be. I didn't want to come home from deployment because I knew I would be miserable. I moved out a month after I got back and life has been much better since. Currently in Afghanistan and cannot wait to get home!
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83points
#18
Not me but my ex-gf a few years ago. Before we met she was dating a guy for about 7 years or so. Due to family pressures, tradition, etc she went and got married to the guy....they went home in separate cars because she said they both realized it was a mistake. Lived with her cousins for 6 months because she was scared to tell her parents.
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82points
#19
He casually invited his parents along on our honeymoon, and told them we’d pay for it. AND they not only accepted, they were SO EXCITED and immediately wanted to take over planning it.
Obviously that wasn’t the only s****y thing he did. Eventually found out he was cheating on me and I fast tracked divorce before there were any kids or assets involved.
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79points
#20
Mine lasted less than a year, he was an incredibly abusive f******d that burdened me with tons of s**t we couldn't afford then refused to work his damn self. So I used to pull 16 hr days back to back to back. Turns out instead of working and helping me take care of the house he was out cheating. In all reality, he was the one who left me but once I got out of the situation I realized how awful it was and didn't go back.
78points