Romantic relationships are a lot more difficult in real life than what you see on the silver screen. For one, walking down the aisle on your Big Day isn’t the culmination of everything. It’s the start of a new era with your soulmate. And marriage requires a ton of consistent work and effort.
In a brutally candid and practical thread on the ‘AskOldPeople’ online group, married couples revealed the harshest truths they found out about marriage the hard way. We’ve collected their pearls of wisdom to help you level up your love life. Keep scrolling to read them.
#1
If you don't marry your friend, you're in for a rough time. Romance and lust fade.
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51points
#2
Love is a choice, not an emotion. I choose to love my wife through good and bad.
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31points
#3
Both (or all) partners have to buy into the idea that they have to consider their spouse first. If just one person does all the adapting it's not a marriage, it's servitude. M or F doesn't matter, it can go either way.
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28points
It is incredibly easy to hand out relationship advice. Putting it into practice, however? Far more difficult and emotionally vexing than you might think. If you want to have a happy and healthy marriage, you have to embrace growth, communicate often, and fundamentally respect your partner.
According to Kaja Perina, the Editor in Chief of Psychology Today, some of the hard truths “from the trenches” of marriage are facts like:
- You can only change yourself, not your partner
- You will have one disagreement you won’t be able to resolve
- Having to be stoic about doing housework because your efforts likely won’t be noticed
- The qualities that frustrate you about your partner are closely linked to those that you love
- Others might misjudge your relationship, so you have to ignore their criticism
- Challenges and adversity in your relationship can potentially improve it
- You have to take responsibility for your goals, dreams, and frustrations, while also helping your partner deal with their
- Not forgetting the moment when you first connected
#4
The biggest problem in marriage is yourself. You can't change or fix anyone else. Look at who they actually are and not who they tell you they are. Source, I'm on my second marriage. First was awful. My second marriage is wonderful. But my own demons are still here.
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22points
#6
Sometimes you’ll feel like roommates. And, honestly, that's not always a bad thing. Maybe there are times when one or the other of you is having a hard time; you're not feeling romantic or snuggly. You're struggling with mental health issues or hard times at work. You retreat into yourself and simply exist for a while.
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19points
Meanwhile, CNBC notes that love by itself typically isn’t enough to hold a marriage together. You need a lot more, including effort, commitment, and the willingness to adapt. That means regularly planning quality time together and having check-ins.
What’s more, you’re likely going to argue with your spouse. However, if you handle those disagreements in a healthy way, by having deep and meaningful conversations about your wants and needs, you can solve problems instead of damaging your relationship. This requires both of you to set judgment aside and not attack each other.
On top of that, you have to understand that your soulmate probably won’t be able to meet all of your emotional needs. You will, inevitably, need to have strong relationships outside of your marriage. Moreover, both you and your partner will doubtless change as individuals over time, and you will have to adapt to this.
#7
Your spouse will change. You will change. Physical changes, emotional changes, changes in interests. If one or both of you can't love each other through these changes, your marriage is doomed.
You will not like everything about your partner. They won't like everything about you. This doesn't mean either of you has to change, just that you have to find ways to deal with it.
Love is not enough. You need certain compatibilities in lifestyle choices and financial management. Will you have kids? If so, how many? City, suburb, or rural? Vacations: cruises and resorts, or camping and backpacking? How will you manage what each of you sees as a frivolous expense? These little compromises add up over time and breed resentments. My husband and I had a "yours, mine, and ours" system. We contributed to a shared account proportionate to our incomes to pay for shared expenses. Whatever we each had left was our own personal play money and nothing bought with personal funds could be criticized.
How will you deal with in-laws? You have to be a united team on this one. My husband and I agreed that weddings and funerals were mandatory. Everything else was optional.
That "in sickness and in health" thing is REAL. If a car accident leaves one of you disabled or if one of you gets cancer, will one of you bail because you were only in it for the person as they were when you met them? The longer you're married, the more likely this becomes. At the end of his life, my husband was losing his mind and his medication was giving him diarrhea. I waited on him, I helped him to the bathroom, I changed his Depends. This isn't an unusual outcome in late middle or old age. If you're not rich enough to have paid caretakers, do you love this person enough that you'll do it with patience and kindness?
The good about decades-long relationships is fantastic, but the bad can be heartbreaking. If you only want the good, stick to watching rom-coms.
You will not like everything about your partner. They won't like everything about you. This doesn't mean either of you has to change, just that you have to find ways to deal with it.
Love is not enough. You need certain compatibilities in lifestyle choices and financial management. Will you have kids? If so, how many? City, suburb, or rural? Vacations: cruises and resorts, or camping and backpacking? How will you manage what each of you sees as a frivolous expense? These little compromises add up over time and breed resentments. My husband and I had a "yours, mine, and ours" system. We contributed to a shared account proportionate to our incomes to pay for shared expenses. Whatever we each had left was our own personal play money and nothing bought with personal funds could be criticized.
How will you deal with in-laws? You have to be a united team on this one. My husband and I agreed that weddings and funerals were mandatory. Everything else was optional.
That "in sickness and in health" thing is REAL. If a car accident leaves one of you disabled or if one of you gets cancer, will one of you bail because you were only in it for the person as they were when you met them? The longer you're married, the more likely this becomes. At the end of his life, my husband was losing his mind and his medication was giving him diarrhea. I waited on him, I helped him to the bathroom, I changed his Depends. This isn't an unusual outcome in late middle or old age. If you're not rich enough to have paid caretakers, do you love this person enough that you'll do it with patience and kindness?
The good about decades-long relationships is fantastic, but the bad can be heartbreaking. If you only want the good, stick to watching rom-coms.
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18points
#8
Many different seasons of life.
Newlywed, young married, married with kids, married with teenagers, empty nesters, married with health issues, etc.
You'll relate to your spouse differently depending on the season.
It's a romance, friendship, roommate, business partner, etc. all rolled into one person.
Newlywed, young married, married with kids, married with teenagers, empty nesters, married with health issues, etc.
You'll relate to your spouse differently depending on the season.
It's a romance, friendship, roommate, business partner, etc. all rolled into one person.
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14points
#9
You will disappoint one another, you will want to separate, you will fight over the stupidest things, you will make dumb decisions together.
However, you will always remember that the person you married is the person you want to grow old with and the one you love with your entire being.
And you will fight to right the wrong and to you will learn and grow as a couple. And the years will add up, and the wrinkles and gray will appear. And you will know that you could not imagine anyone else by your side.
*married 38 years*.
However, you will always remember that the person you married is the person you want to grow old with and the one you love with your entire being.
And you will fight to right the wrong and to you will learn and grow as a couple. And the years will add up, and the wrinkles and gray will appear. And you will know that you could not imagine anyone else by your side.
*married 38 years*.
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14points
We’d love to hear your thoughts on relationships, dear Pandas. In your experience, what are the biggest challenges of married life? How do you deal with them?
What do you do to stay close to your significant other, no matter how many years and decades fly by? What advice would you give newlyweds to help them make the most of married life?
Let us know in the comments down below!
#10
A decent number of people who get divorced still love each other. Love isn’t enough. The other needed components vary.
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14points
#11
In good marriages, if you outlive your spouse, you will be so lost.
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14points
#12
My brother in law was a very successful, smart, and extremely handsome man. He had a beautiful tenor voice, was a navy officer, and ran a computer business. When he was married 54 years, he said at the dinner table to our family of 4 generations when asked why he chose his wife:
well, i will tell you this. I dated many beautiful women. I dated some brilliant women. I dated a professional opera singer. I chose your mother because she has a rare golden heart. This is the partner I wanted to rear my children and share my life. We share the same values, and perspective on life. If that isn't enough, she can drive a standard, and makes a mean fried chicken. Cheers!
We asked his wife why she married him: mmmm....he had a car and was a good kisser?
Edit: to answer those that DMed me, yes this really happened. Be assured my sister in law was smart, beautiful and wonderful. She was his match and equal in all aspects. They reared 4 children and have 11 grandchildren. Together they climbed many mountains. My brother in law is in his late 80s with Alzheimers. He has forgotten most of his life, but he still recognizes and sparkles when he sees her. She is totally devoted to him and supervises his care. She is mostly in a wheelchair now, and they are together nearly 24 7. They live with their third child and his family. ❤️
Thank you who asked for the rest of their story. 🌺.
well, i will tell you this. I dated many beautiful women. I dated some brilliant women. I dated a professional opera singer. I chose your mother because she has a rare golden heart. This is the partner I wanted to rear my children and share my life. We share the same values, and perspective on life. If that isn't enough, she can drive a standard, and makes a mean fried chicken. Cheers!
We asked his wife why she married him: mmmm....he had a car and was a good kisser?
Edit: to answer those that DMed me, yes this really happened. Be assured my sister in law was smart, beautiful and wonderful. She was his match and equal in all aspects. They reared 4 children and have 11 grandchildren. Together they climbed many mountains. My brother in law is in his late 80s with Alzheimers. He has forgotten most of his life, but he still recognizes and sparkles when he sees her. She is totally devoted to him and supervises his care. She is mostly in a wheelchair now, and they are together nearly 24 7. They live with their third child and his family. ❤️
Thank you who asked for the rest of their story. 🌺.
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13points
#13
You aren’t going to be madly in love with them every single day. Things get routine. No human being can completely get along with their spouse every minute, there will often be little annoyances.
*But* there should be moments when you look at them and think, I’m so glad I married you.
The joke amongst long married couples is that arguments aren’t about character or ethics or how to handle a difficult situation. We will be on the same page on those things. The arguments will be about stupid little physical things like where to put the new shoe rack.
*But* there should be moments when you look at them and think, I’m so glad I married you.
The joke amongst long married couples is that arguments aren’t about character or ethics or how to handle a difficult situation. We will be on the same page on those things. The arguments will be about stupid little physical things like where to put the new shoe rack.
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13points
#14
Marriage tends to benefit men more than women, despite the stereotypes that imply the opposite.
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10points
#15
You will be in the wrong a lot of the time. Every time you're arguing with your partner, no matter how absolutely convinced you are that you're right, about half the time you're going to be wrong.
It's surprising how many people are surprised by that.
It's surprising how many people are surprised by that.
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9points
#16
It's hard when you lose a child. You would think you would get closer but not always.
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9points
#17
Bad power dynamics only get worse as you both get older. As you become physically and financially dependent on your partner, leaving becomes much more difficult. Get out of a bad relationship early.
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9points
#18
If you do get rid of the guy who has a thing that drives you crazy, realize the next guy will have one, too. You just trade one massively irritating thing for another. Identify your own annoying thing, and work together through the hard stuff.
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9points
#19
You do marry your spouses family -- even if there is little to no contact between your spouse & their family. There will be an effect on your marriage. It could be good but many times people think they will never repeat toxic traits they grew up with but they do. Counseling & self-awareness helps but running away from the dysfunction on both sides is temporary. Own your toxicity & don't marry a spouse to escape it or sort it out for you. Nature & nurture has its lasting effects -- good, bad & indifferent.
9points
#20
It's a lot of extra work, mostly for women and can be way more lonely and hopeless than being single.
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8points