Anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you it's no easy walk in the park. Just think about the heated arguments, compromises, and misunderstandings — navigating the ups and downs is quite a task right there, especially when it comes to marriage. Well, no one is immune to the occasional blips and bumps in the road, and this viral thread is here to prove it.
Reddit user Zorra_ decided to find out what blunders happen after people tie the knot and say "I do". They raised a question on the Ask Reddit online forum: "Marriage counselors, what are the most common mistakes couples make?" Hundreds of professionals rolled up their sleeves and typed some of the things they witnessed during their careers.
Bored Panda handpicked the best pieces of advice this thread had to offer that might help guide you through the biggest roadblocks. Continue scrolling, upvote the ones you agree with, and make sure to check out our previous posts on the never-ending topic of marriage right here, here, and here.
#21
Lack of communication/comfort with discussing difficult topics. Or one partner being uncomfortable with discussion a topic which leaves both partners feeling frustrated or dissatisfied.
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61points
#22
When your significant other brings something to your attention, that they need/want, don't react harshly if it's something they've refused to bring up sooner. Getting loud or defensive "Why didn't you bring this up sooner!" will make them shy away from bringing things up again due to negative reinforcement/backlash.
This is especially true if they've been victims of any kind of abusive relationships.
Source: Literally killed my marriage because I was an idiot and didn't respond in an open, non-positive way.
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60points
#23
When you're hurt, say so, and stop trying to 'hurt back'. When someone does something or says something hurtful, whether conscious or not, let them know in a non accusatory way before you begin the game of throwing daggers. Much of the relationship damage that couples endure is the back and forth hurt-each-other game that snowballs out of control, causing a ton more damage.
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59points
#24
Thinking that they have to feel 'in love' at all times, and that if they don't, then they obviously married the wrong person.
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57points
#25
They say people divorce over money, but they don't — they divorce over values. And nothing brings out someone's values — or lack thereof — like money. If you can't understand the person's priorities, fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and what drives them financially, if you look down on them for any of that, or if think you'll be able to fix any of that, don't marry them.
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54points
#26
Therapist here, have served couples.
Number one problem I see is overactive threat response creating anger and rigidity. People don’t stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all their energy is going towards being right or controlling the outcome. Of course that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feels too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity.
Surrender to not having control, accept what’s in front of you, and cultivate compassion. Please. Because y’all rigid couples who just can’t prioritize empathizing with each other over your fear response are driving me nuts! :)
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52points
#27
People don't learn to fight. You have to fight fair in a relationship. People go nuts when they get mad and some couples never learn to fight in a way that honors the person you are fighting with. It is so important to learn to respect space, don't assume motives, and take turns in explaining your views.
Its a big deal and I work on it quite a bit in counseling.
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51points
#28
Never lash the other with past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue. We have been married 17 years so there is limitless [stuff] we can pull out of our history together to highlight past wrongs and that just derails what could be a quick resolution.
48points
#29
I've been married for 10 years and my partner is an MFT. All of the suggestions in this thread are wonderful and accurate. The one thing that I want to add onto them is probably the biggest lesson that my partner and I have discovered over time: people change. You will change. They will change. It is nigh impossible to have the same relationship 2 years in that you did at the start--don't try to hold onto it. The only way my partner and I have stayed together for as long as we have is because we were able to adapt to each other.
That being said, don't try to force a relationship that's inherently dysfunctional. It's not a mark of failure for a relationship to end. Change seems scary, but the truth is you've already changed.
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43points
#30
Currently a student in a Clinical Psychology Doctorate Program, focusing in Marriage and Family.
If you aren't already familiar with it, I would recommend taking a look at John Gottman's work on romantic relationships. He is one of the best known researchers on this topic. Perhaps his most famous work is The Four Horsemen - in a 30 minute interview, Gottman was able to accurately predict which couples would divorce based on their interactions with each other, particularly when those interactions included:
1) Criticism
2) Contempt
3) Defensiveness
4) Stonewalling
Research from the Gottman institute has expanded on this to provide a pretty comprehensive list of factors that lead to couple conflict and divorce. Gottman also addresses solutions to these issues, which primarily exist within his form of couples therapy.
Take this all with a grain of salt. This is one perspective on relationships, but it tends to be a pretty robust and well-researched one (and it happens to be the one I'm the most familiar with).
My personal understanding on the issue is that problems arise from a lack of humility and the challenge of getting out of deeply engrained patterns/cycles of conflict (which generally requires both partners to accept fault and extend grace).
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40points