Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you’ll have a good relationship with them. In fact, for a lot of people, it’s the exact opposite—and that can lead to some incredibly complicated situations.
For one man, things got so bad that he went no contact with his parents 12 years ago. But now that they’ve found out he has children of his own, they suddenly want to reconnect. He’s not sure he can trust their intentions, so he took to Reddit for advice.
Read the full story below.
One man went no contact with his parents 12 years ago
Image credits: alexlucru123 / Envato (not the actual photo)
But after they learned he had children of his own, they suddenly wanted to reconnect
Image credits: uriArcursPeopleimages / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ckstockphoto / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ThrowRA_OldKid
As painful as it is, a lot of people find themselves going no contact with family
It’s painful when we don’t get along with the people who are supposed to be closest to us. Nobody wants that. Most of us dream of having a loving, supportive family that we can count on through life’s ups and downs. That’s what we all hope for.
Unfortunately, that’s not always how it plays out. For the man in this story, things fell apart when his brother slept with his girlfriend and the two of them started dating right after. That alone was hard enough to deal with. He cut his brother off and made it clear he was done.
His parents, though, didn’t respect that decision. They dismissed his feelings and eventually gave him an ultimatum: either have a relationship with your brother or don’t have one with us. He accepted their terms, and they didn’t speak for over 12 years. Now that they’ve found out he has children, they want back in. And he’s torn.
As sad as this situation is, it’s actually more common than many people realize. According to a YouGov poll, 38% of American adults say they are currently estranged from at least one family member. That includes siblings, parents, children, and grandparents. So while it can feel isolating, a lot of people are going through something similar.
Estrangement can be reversed, although only if there’s good reason to believe things will actually be different this time
We also tend to think of going no contact as a permanent thing. You burn the bridge and that’s it. In reality, the door to reconnection is always there if you want to open it.
This man clearly still loves his parents, even after everything. He said so himself. The problem is figuring out whether reconnecting is actually a good idea or whether it would just reopen old wounds.
Licensed therapist Vienna Pharaon shared some helpful guidance on what to look for when considering reconciliation in a piece for Wondermind. Here’s what she suggests.
First, she says to pay attention to whether the other person truly understands your experience and their role in it. That means they’re not making excuses or brushing off your feelings. They’re actually acknowledging what happened and owning their part. That kind of emotional maturity can go a long way in rebuilding trust.
Image credits: Lia Bekyan / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
In this story, the man’s parents haven’t really done that. They’ve been pushing to reconnect without ever acknowledging how their ultimatum affected him in the first place.
She also says to watch whether their words and actions actually match. It’s one thing to say the right things, and it’s another to follow through. Trust is built over time by seeing if someone’s behavior stays consistent with what they’re telling you. If it does, it might be worth taking a careful step forward. And if it doesn’t, you’re allowed to step back again.
The last thing she talks about is accepting someone’s limitations. Sometimes people aren’t going to change. They won’t apologize or take full accountability. In those cases, you can still choose to have a relationship with them if you’re prepared to manage your own expectations and responses. It’s not easy, and it requires a lot of self-awareness, but it is an option.
At the end of the day, there’s no manual for this. Reconnecting with estranged family is a risk, and only the person involved can decide if it’s one worth taking.
What do you think this man should do? Should he give his parents another chance? Or is he better off keeping that door closed? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Many readers felt he should be very cautious about letting them back into his life
Others, however, thought it was unfair to hold on to something that happened so long ago and believed he should try to reconnect
