Some uncertainty in relationships is completely normal, as it’s hard to tell what will happen in a month, a year, or even a day. However, letting doubts get the better of you has the power to undermine the connection between you and your partner.
Just like it happened in this couple’s case, as the girlfriend wouldn’t stop giving her boyfriend secret tests, no matter how many times he told her they made him uncomfortable. But before he did anything about it, he turned online for unbiased opinions, which only confirmed his suspicions.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Full Vida Therapy, Viviana McGovern, who kindly agreed to share her insights on testing partners.
Uncertainty can lead a person to test their partner, which has the potential to damage a relationship
Image credits: LightFieldStudios / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
As it happened to this couple because the girlfriend wouldn't stop testing her boyfriend
Image credits: katemangostar / freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Ok-Amphibian-5171
Testing a partner isn’t a healthy form of communication
Image credits: standret / freepik (not the actual photo)
In a nutshell, testing a partner is a roundabout way of asking for what one needs. However, it's not a healthy form of communication, says a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Full Vida Therapy, Viviana McGovern.
"It often stems from unspoken fears or insecurities, and rather than creating clarity or connection, it can damage trust. Instead of testing, partners should aim to communicate openly about their needs and concerns," she explains.
As McGovern already mentioned, the need to test a partner often comes from uncertainty, insecurities, and similar feelings. "People often test their partners when they feel uncertain, anxious, or emotionally unsafe in the relationship. It can also be a learned behavior—if someone grew up in an environment where direct communication wasn’t modeled, they might resort to indirect methods like testing to try and get reassurance."
At first, the testing might seem harmless, but if it starts becoming manipulative, deceptive, or controlling, like setting traps so the partner fails a test, it's already crossing a line. "This not only erodes trust but also creates a dynamic of emotional instability that makes it harder to build a secure connection," says McGovern.
Instead of testing your partner, the expert suggests having direct and honest communication
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
So instead of testing your partner, the expert suggests having direct and honest communication. "Direct, honest communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If you're feeling insecure or unsure, it's better to express those feelings openly rather than hoping your partner will “pass a test” you’ve set for them. A strong relationship allows space for vulnerability, curiosity, and repair when needed," McGovern explains.
Lastly, she adds, "If you find yourself frequently feeling the urge to test your partner, it might be worth exploring those deeper fears with a therapist. Often, these patterns come from past wounds—not necessarily the current relationship—and healing those can lead to more secure, fulfilling partnerships."
Readers encouraged the man to remove himself from the relationship he's in
