Nobody's perfect. Life is just too complex to be good at everything. Heck, even one skill is difficult to master. But some people just don't get it.
A few days ago, a man submitted a heartfelt story to the 'Am I the [Jerk]?' subreddit, asking its members to share their thoughts on a conflict between him and his girlfriend.
The root of the dispute goes back to a time when the author of the post invited a friend to help him change a door hinge because he lacks the experience to do it on his own.
Fast forward a few weeks and the guy's partner is shaming him for not being man enough in front of her parents.
This guy needed a friend to change a door hinge
Image credits: Ksenia Chernaya
And his girlfriend not only thought it made him less of a man, but she also ridiculed him for it in front of her parents
Image credits: Alex Green
It's easy to understand why the original poster (OP) felt bad about the whole thing. Mutual support is necessary for a healthy relationship.
"I think it's absolutely OK to look for and expect [emotional support] from your partner and I think most people do, whether or not they think that they should or they allow themselves to," Dr. Wendy Zhao, a clinical psychologist at the Clinic on Dupont in Toronto told CBC.
But as this story shows, expecting support doesn't necessarily translate to receiving it.
But we shouldn't judge OP for entering a committed relationship with a person who might be on a different page than him on this topic. It's not something that's crystal clear right after you meet someone, as you need to factor in the complexities of the person's emotional development, which varies with aspects like cultural influences and the unspoken rules learned within families. Because of this, how each person operates in a relationship can be vastly different.
Not all people in loving relationships desire the same things from their significant others. They might have shared interests and enjoy activities together while not really turning to one another for comfort or reassurance, which is relatively common. Just think of the "best friend-companion" marriage model.
People may, for example, seek support from friends and family instead of their partner. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Where conflict often arises, however, is when there's a mismatch: one partner requires a lot of emotional support, and the other partner is incapable of providing it.
Zhao suggested couples communicate mutual expectations early in a relationship so they don't find themselves feeling disappointed years down the road when their needs are not being met. And she said a couple's therapist can assist with learning how to communicate needs respectfully. "So then, our partner won't feel blamed or won't reject our request or won't feel their request as threatening for their own personal reasons," she said.
Also keep in mind that the level of emotional support can fluctuate depending on life circumstances: a partner who is having a bad day may not be capable of having your back at that very moment. Couples can also take each other for granted, which may diminish support, particularly when they've been in the relationship for a long time. But it doesn't mean they can't come back from that, said Zhao.
Of course, openly making fun of your partner is a completely different thing...
People had a lot to say after reading what happened
