Having a stay-at-home parent can be a great blessing for a family. No need to pay for daycare, the child gets plenty of quality time with Mom and Dad, and the parent who stays home will likely be able to keep the house tidy and prepare healthy meals for the whole family. But this arrangement can only work if both parents are on board.
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Below, you’ll find a story that one frustrated father shared on Reddit detailing how pressure from his wife to become a single-income family ended up ruining their marriage. And keep reading to also find a conversation about this situation with Virginia Gilbert, LMFT, and some of the replies readers left the author.
After having their first child, this man and his partner agreed that both parents would be back at work within a year
Image credits: nebojsa_ki (not the actual photo)
But when his wife decided she never wanted to return to her job, their marriage quickly fell apart
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
Later, the father updated his post and replied to some of the comments he had received
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)
Some readers were skeptical about the legitimacy of the post, so the father responded again
Image source: Otherwise-Time-1404
The majority of families in the United States are dual-income
The majority of families in the United States are dual-income, as surviving off only one parent’s paycheck is impossible for many. According to the Pew Research Center, only 18% of American parents did not work in 2021, including 26% of mothers and 7% of fathers.
While moms are more likely to stay home than fathers, 60% of Americans believe that the best case scenario for families is when one parent doesn't have to work. Moms who get to stay home do spend considerably more time per week on housework and childcare than working mothers, but they also report having 11 more hours a week for leisure and 5 more hours of sleep.
In fact, the number of stay-at-home mothers in the US has been on the rise in recent years, largely due to the cost of childcare. And according to a survey from Motherly, over half of working moms have considered quitting their jobs due to childcare expenses. 64% of stay-at-home moms say that they would require flexible hours if they were to return to work, and two thirds of moms told Motherly they spend $1,000 or more on childcare every month.
"When one person feels that they are being used for money, or their financial contributions aren't fully appreciated, resentment can build to the point of no return"
To gain more insight on this specific situation, we reached out to therapist and author of Transcending High-Conflict Divorce: How to Disengage from Your Ex and Find Your Power, Virginia Gilbert, LMFT. Virginia was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how common it is for couples to argue over issues such as this. "Disagreements over finances– which was one of the core issues in this couple's split, because the husband felt they couldn't comfortably afford to live on only his salary– are one of the top reasons people divorce," the expert shared. "People often don't realize they have different financial values, and when one person feels that they are being used for money, or their financial contributions aren't fully appreciated, resentment can build to the point of no return."
Because of this, Virginia says it's important for couples to thoroughly discuss how they envision life together before tying the knot. "Many people get hooked on 'feelings' and the fantasy of marriage without understanding the teamwork and compromise needed to sustain a successful life partnership," the therapist explained. "Many women want to stay at home full-time, but it's often just not realistic to raise a family on only one income. Getting on the same page before you walk down the aisle will prevent conflict later on– or make you realize you shouldn't get married!"
We were also curious if Virginia believes divorce was the right choice in this situation. "It sounds like there was a real lack of respect and flexibility in this marriage," she told Bored Panda. "The husband repeatedly tried to communicate with his wife, but it seems that she shut him down because she was unwilling to consider his feelings and concerns. It's almost impossible to have a healthy marriage when resentment and rigidity take hold, and if they'd stayed together, the child likely would have picked up on his parents' animosity for each other."
"Both of them need to separate their personal feelings from their new job as, essentially, business partners, which is what co-parents are," Virginia went on to explain. "You don't have to like your co-parent to be able to communicate effectively. They both need to manage their emotional reactivity and calm down before trying to communicate with each other. When they do communicate, they need to eliminate any emotion, subjective opinions, or parenting advice and stick to facts and logistics."
"Staying mired in blame will drive conflict," the expert added. "The best thing they can do for their child is focus on things they can each control, which is their own behavior, not the other person."
Having a single breadwinner can put an unhealthy amount of pressure on one parent
While having a parent stay home can be beneficial for a child’s development and their bond with that parent, it can also put a huge strain on the other parent who has become the sole breadwinner. Having one income places additional pressure on one parent to excel at work, which can cause them stress. If they lose their job, it affects the entire family, which can be a huge weight to bear.
Research shows that children can be negatively impacted when their parents are experiencing financial stress, and when one parent is at work all of the time, they hardly have any time left to spend with their little ones. Children may feel disconnected from the working parent or start to favor one parent, depending on how each treats them when they get to spend time together.
Nowadays, stay-at-home fathers are becoming more common, but there’s still an overwhelming pressure in many societies for dads to be the breadwinners, which can add a lot of stress to fathers' lives. One study from sociologists at the University of Connecticut found that the greater share of economic responsibility a father takes on, the more they report experiencing strains on their health and wellbeing.
Work-related pressures and financial pressures are also two of the most significant reasons men cite for their mental health issues. Before deciding if one parent should stay at home, it’s important for both parties to be on the same page. It impacts the entire family financially and emotionally to go from dual to single-income, so it’s not a decision that should be taken lightly or made by one person.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this story in the comments below, pandas. Do you think this father was right to get a divorce? Feel free to share, and then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda article discussing stay-at-home parents, we recommend checking out this one next.
Many readers agreed with the dad's decision to file for divorce
