People Who Have Immaculate Survival Instincts Share Their Stories

There was a dude sitting all alone at a bridge at night. I was high out of my mind, and just started talking to him, and we smoked some weed. Turns out he was contemplating s*****e, but I distracted him. That was like 4 years ago, I'm invited to his wedding next month. So yeah, high-me stopped a s*****e with an offer of weed.

My friends and I lived in a sketchy neighbourhood during our university years, and we were a real mixed bag of characters that didn't really blend with the general population of that area. My friend was, and still is, a tall, curly haired embodiment of posh. A proper private school boy. He was stopped by a group of three teenage lads threatening him if he didn't hand over his wallet and phone. He freezes, then grabs his jacket lapel and speaks into a 'radio' saying something along the lines of, 'This is Officer Thompson, I've been approached by three youths and need assistance.'

They scarpered pretty quick. That situation could have been a lot worse if they'd been paying attention and realised he was just talking into his coat.

My brother and his friends used to climb the tree in front of our house and throw water balloons at passing cars and/or pedestrians. One day, they hit the WRONG F*****G CAR. Huge guy gets out and starts screaming obscenities, eventually trying to climb the tree to get to them. I hear what's going on and go out to investigate. The guy is seriously pissed and wants to call the police. I said, "I have a better idea..." and got the hose. He spent twenty minutes happily spraying them all down until they finally came down and apologized.

I was in a bathroom at a bar once when this guy pulled a knife on someone else. I was really drunk taking a p**s at the urinal and turned to see what was happening. And p****d right at the guy with the knife. Like attack p**s. I didn't do it on purpose. But he dropped the knife and ran out. So I was a hero in the eyes of my fellow drunk p*****s.

Back in my retail days, we would have a lot of repeat criminals at my store. Our managers usually knew who they were, but they didn't want to do anything unless they had enough evidence to actually make it worth the polices' while. Well, one guy came in who frequently stole things and then returned them for store credit. The security guy recognized him, and told my supervisor. She came over and pointed him out, and told me to distract him while she called the police from the upstairs phone.

Being all alone and on the spot, I started out very friendly and cooperating with his return. I tried to stretch it out as much as possible, making conversation and pressing buttons slowly, but that only ate up a few minutes. So, finally, I faked a computer problem. I told the guy that our store credit network was down, and that I would have to call our service center to get him his credit. Considering the company I worked for, stuff like this actually happened enough for it to be believable.

When he started looking impatient, I apologized profusely and asked him if he'd like a free snack while he was waiting. I saw his eyes light up at the offer of free, so I called over to the food court and told them to give him whatever he wanted. The guy happily munched on coffee and a pretzel until the police finally showed up.

Years ago, I was working as a stagehand in San Francisco. I had a late gig tearing out a show from one of the theaters on the edge of the Tenderloin near Market Street; we all knew we'd be working well past midnight. Plus, it was Super Bowl Sunday and everyone knew the 'Niners were going to win so instead of parking my car on the street in the Tenderloin, where it likely would get trashed by drunken football fans, I decided to pay for a secure garage 5-6 blocks away.



Fast-forward to 2:30AM. I'm leaving the venue and immediately realize what time it is; where I am; and through what sort of hard-core 'hood I must walk through to get to my car. Oh. And I have about $1500 worth of hand & power tools with me. Niiice...



Not seeing taxi one, I have no choice but to dive in and hope that I'm smarter and faster than all the rest of the sharks in the water. Suddenly, an epiphany! The best way to survive this journey was to present myself as the meanest, craziest bada*s on a street filled with d***ged-up, crazy, violent mofos. So, I reached into one of my tool bags and pulled out my claw hammer. I began walking down the street, wildly swinging my claw hammer while yelling gibberish, cursing (I delivered an amazing Oscar-caliber Tourette's performance!), ranting, raving, moaning and crying--all while making as much claw hammer contact as possible--in a kind, loving, Buddha-like, compassionate sorta way--with mailboxes, streetlight poles, telephone posts, parking meter posts and random walls. Almost immediately, I began noticing people crossing the street in front of me to get out of my way. I had turned the tables to where it was I who was to be feared. I made a mental note, that for survival purposes, to just be crazier and edgier than the next guy and people would get out of my way.



So, for a few brief, shining moments--when I absolutely needed to be--I was indeed the most dangerous, insane, baddest m**********r in the Tenderloin of San Francisco.

When I was in college, I was underage and in a bar when it was raided by the police. While the police were going through checking everyone's id I walked away from the police towards the back of the bar. That's when I saw that the bar staff had started to clean up the place. I saw one of the bartenders tie up a bag of garbage and set it on top of the bar to be picked up by the barback. I walked over, picked up the bag, threw it over my shoulder, calmly walked out the side door past a police officer and dumped the bag in a trash container. The officer just assumed I worked there, and never noticed that I walked on down the street after throwing out the garbage.

Last year when I got home from college, my house was robbed when I was the only one inside. I was asleep and heard a crash, and i knew my cell and house phones were downstairs, so calling cops wasn't an option. I looked over our upstairs balcony and couldn't see any weapon of any sort, and it was near pitch black, so I grabbed the massive floodlight my parents keep in their room, treaded silently down the stairs while the thief was in the kitchen, waited until he got about 20 ft away, then shone that beacon like it was the light of Jesus come to claim his soul. At the same time I gave my best maniacal Joker-esk laugh and told him his time had come. The robber was so scared he s**t his pants and passed out in my hallway. I called the cops and he's currently serving a 20 year sentence for similar crimes.

tl;dr- Robber was in my house, I literally scared the s**t out of him.

A few years ago, my friends and I had a water ballon fight on our street. Someone threw a balloon over the house and it hit a guy that was on the other side. A few minutes later, a guy in a suit that had water all over it came up to us and was furious. He comes up yelling and says stuff like "are you the m***********s who threw this g*****n water balloon that hit my suit! I have a meeting in an hour blah blah blah." As he's yelling, I'm thinking how we are going to get out of this. Then I get an idea. I butt in and say "THEY GOT YOU TOO!" The guy bought it and stopped and said something like "Yeah! You wanna find those m***********s blah blah blah, etc.". We all say yeah and say that we're going to get in our cars and drive around looking for them. Now the guy's happy and he's like "yeah I'll do the same." So we all got in our cars and drove off. Not really a dangerous situation, but I felt like a genius.

This isn't really smart, but a guy tried to mug me so I punched him in the face and ran into the street.

He was really tall, pretty scary-looking, and I was a short and fat high school sophomore. I was walking home from school when he walked up and said "Gimme your phone." I wasn't actually holding a phone - it was a broken tape-recorder I was fixing for a friend. I immediately stuffed it in my pocket and told him no. He said, "Man, don't make a scene. Gimme that or I'm gonna kick your a*s."

He had really odd super light-colored eyes, and I remember how intense he looked. He started puffing up, doing the "gonna kick your a*s" dance, and he reached for his down jacket to take it off. Right when his hands were occupied with the coat, I punched him in the face as hard as I could (go childhood karate!) and ran into a busy street. Ducked around cars. Ran all the way home.

Probably not worth it for a broken tape recorder (like, with a tiny cassette tape), but I'm stubborn.

I was in a club and saw a person put a pill into a girl's drink while she was in the bathroom. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed the glass and drank it. I told my friend "I just roofied myself" and woke up in my bed 20 hours later.

Edit: I was too drunk to think of any other solution at the time.

Our house was once burgled in the middle of the night whilst we were asleep upstairs. I heard noise coming from the kitchen, got out of bed and walked to the top of the stairs only to see a man in a ski-mask using a torch to look around our living room. I crept back to my room and called the police.

It's unconventional, but the smartest thing I've ever done is staying quiet to avoid confrontation. I'd rather lose my possessions and keep myself and my family safe.

It wasn't really smart, just hilarious. I was walking along the bike path by my house a couple months ago in broad daylight and these kids stopped me and asked for a cigarette. I said I had no more because they looked like 16. One said "I bet you do, and you can empty your pockets too. We'll take your cellphone." I just looked at them and said "excuse me, kid?" The other one reaches in his pocket and I'm thinking oh f**k, this kid is about to pull out a switchblade.

Instead he pulls out a small swiss army knife. I couldn't help myself and started laughing hysterically. Seriously, even if he managed to stab me with that thing, all it was going to do was p**s me off unless he got VERY lucky with where he got me. They started to get angry that I wasn't scared and the one says "I said give me your f*****g phone, b***h." I very calmly said, still trying to regain my composure, "Listen kids, this is not a day where I'm prepared to deal with this b******t. I'm tired. If you take my phone, I'm not calling the cops. The first thing I do is go home and call every one of my friends, who are a lot scarier than I am. Then they call all their scarier friends, and within an hour they're all up here looking for you. They will find you, and if they come all the way up here, they are not going to be as understanding as I am and just take the phone back. They'll beat your a*ses into the dirt. I'm going to keep walking now, with my phone. You're going to go home. And if you have any common sense you'll never try this again, because anyone else you try this on in this area will beat the s**t out of you." The look on their faces as I turned and walked away was priceless, they looked so dejected. You could tell they were devastated that baby's first jump was a flop. I still walk that bike path, but I haven't seen them since.

I also broke a homeless guys nose once when he grabbed me to presumably r**e me walking through a park at night once, so there's that.

I was leaving a Target store in Chicago with about $200 worth of random things in a cart when a random guy walks up to me and says, "Take your cart and follow me to my car." (with the intent to rob me). I really didn't hear him the first time, and then I figured out what he was saying, so I just kept saying "What? What?" until we got closer to other people and he finally just gave up and walked away.

While on a family vacation, my brother and I decided to attend a college football game. On our way to the game the traffic was miserably backed up, and we decided to illegally park at a shopping center - despite signs all over that non-customers would be fined $350.

The game was a bit of a blowout and we decided to head back early and beat the rush (I was also paranoid that we'd been towed). Once we got back to the parking lot it was worse than we had thought. Tow trucks were all over the place, with three our four lined up in the lot - each taking turns towing obvious violations. The lot was quite empty since it was late at night, and fans would come back to their cars, get questioned by the cops, then towed if they were deemed to not be customers.

Thankfully, the car we drove was a rental from a nearby county so we blended in OK (a lot of cars were from Nebraska and had team paraphernalia all over). I also recognized that simply making a straight walk to our car would get us busted and towed. That's when I made this now infamously genius suggestion. We would walk the long way around the parking lot, sneak onto the shopping mall sidewalk and enter into the Office Max we had parked in front of. From there, we would mingle for a few minutes, pick up some batteries and drinks and then walk out with our Office Max bags in visible view.

I don't honestly remember the final 20 feet to our rental car, but I imagine it's the feeling that Andy Dufrane had when he emerged from the sewage pipe in the Shawshank Redemption.

My brother got pulled over speeding on an interstate in his IROC camaro (its a really sweet ride) when he was 19. He recalls something like 30 mph over the limit. The officer comes up to the car and says "Sonny Ive been waiting for you all night." My brother replies "I tried to get here as fast as I could!" The cop was in stitches and let him go.

Stopped at a downtown ATM about 2AM, I got out of the car alongside the road, and my friends circled the block to pick me up after I finished. It might have been imagined, but I got the feeling the four guys idling nearby were aiming to rob me, as they were positioned out of sight to anyone approaching the ATM, seemed to have no purpose for being there... and fit a profile or two.


I had the thought to continue past the ATM, but didn't know where I'd go, or what I'd do... linger around the ATM I just approached and not use it? Wander away from where I was being picked up? I decided to use the ATM.


I fumbled with the buttons, as I was quite nervous, but managed to navigate through the heiroglyphic menu as my mind raced like never before. I tried my best to make out anything my potential attackers eere saying, but they were doing a good job of keeping theor volume down, which only made me more paranoid. "Don't worry, you're still fine, they wouldn't attack until the cash is pulled out, right? It's what they want! But what if I only withdraw $20? They'll be unsatisfied... S**t, have they thought of that? They should attack me now so they can withdraw the max!" The unsettling thoughts continued to flow, as I began to visualize various versions of the violent events that loomed over me.


It was at this moment I noticed the little curved mirror that's usually placed above an ATM. Huzzah! I just need to adjust my position ever so slightly and I'll be able to see what's going on. I'll even bend my neck downward, so the mirror is out of view, that way they CAN'T notice! One elbow up. Arm raised, and down... pivot... and here we are!"


F**k." It was part of a sentence, but that was the only word I could make out. Adrenalined rushed over me, and suddenly I could make out enough of their speech to know it was not English. Had I imagined the word f**k? No. Surely they saw my face appear in the mirror and realized I was onto them. That "f**k." But I heard no shuffle of feet approaching, were they that silent? You have the mirror now, use it!


I shifted my focus upward... added some neck tilt... and there it was! The back of a head! And... six eyes... all staring intently. Yup. I was marked. I considered pulling out my phone for the tenth time, and then considered that it would likely just be more incentive for them... why did I have to get an iPhone? Why did I have to posess ANYTHING these thugs would want to hurt me to aquire?


And then I realized. I didn't.


Check Balance. "F**k!" I offered them back the word I had borrowed. I slammed my fist on the button pad and mashed it around for good measure. "You've gotta be kidding me!" I stormed off all of ten feet to the curb to wait for my ride to pull back around, the apparent victim of low funds.


I really don't know for sure if they were intending to rob me. The emotion and tempo of their converstion shifted significantly as I "reacted" to the ATM, which seemed to confirm the attention they were paying to me... but I did just slam my fist on the ATM...


We went to another machine, at a bank. I avoid "risky" ATMs now.


TLDR: Avoided ATM mugging by pretending account was empty.

I am not quite sure I did anything clever... but I did what I could. I used to deliver pizzas for papa johns. I had to transfer to a really s****y area due to other reasons I wont get into. But this was like m**h zombies walking down the streets kind of ghetto and dudes throwing up signs on corners. So I had a delivery to this apartment. Buzz 201. Old lady pops her head out and is like nope didnt order. Well s**t.. alright I decide to call. This girl says yeah ill be right down. Three black dudes walk from around the back and are like yeah you just called the girl she said shed be right down. I was like uhh.. ok. I make my way to the car and try to non challantly put the pizzas away and leave. But they meet me at the driver door and have money in hand so im like alright guess this is alright. I take out the three pizzas and hold them out with my left hand tell them its like $40, all the while my right hand is on my switch blade on my belt. They dont take the pizzas and theres an awkward silence. Next thing you know the dude on the left tries snatching the pizzas, but out of instinct I grab onto them with both hands, the blade now off my belt and in my hand still. One of the dudes clocks me in the back of the head with something heavy. Ouch. Slightly fuzzy I let go of the pizzas and flip the blade and slash as hard as I can. I made contact with someone somewhere but then my instincts kick in and I run. Faster than ever and pull out my phone and dial 911. One of them is yelling "give me your money or ill pop you!" I look back and theyre giving chase pointing a pistol at me. F**k. The operator answers and I just say the address and im being robbed at gunpoint like three times. I dive over a snow bank thats slightly taller than me. I look back over and they were gone. Cops come I give my statement. A week later the detective said they think they found the dudes because they did the same thing at another apartment. One of the dudes had a fresh gash wound on his arm. Combined with the fact the girl gave her real number to set up the robbery and it all fell back on her, causing her to give up names, they got 15 years in jail. They were all barely 18.

TL; DR: Got robbed delivering pizzas. Knife wound linked them to the crime.

I have prevented at least 5 bar fights by saying "same team" to the two guys about to fight.

I hate that macho b******t and it is usually over some stupid drunken thing. So if they are close to fighting I'd look at them and say woah guys, same team. We are all here to get drunk and chase women.

Most of the time they could agree on that and it would ease the tension. Fights are just stupid, no one wins.

I was walking back to my house in college, returning from the convenience store a mere half-block away. This kid (15 or 16 years old maybe) stopped us and goes "hey check this out," pulled out two fixed-blade stiletto knives and said "gimme your f****n money."

I yelled "BOY YOU BETTER PUT THAT S**T AWAY FOR THAT COP SEES YOU!"

I startled him enough that he looked over his shoulder to see if there was a cop. There was not. But when he looked over his shoulder my friend and I took off as fast as we could, back to our house. He didn't follow us, and we got inside, locked the door, and called the cops (anonymously - cops are not welcome in my home).