The start of a love story often feels like something out of a fairytale. But what we’re really curious about is how that story ends. How does the couple handle the endless drift into routine? What actually keeps them connected after years under the same roof?
When someone asked people online to share the raw truths of long-term relationships, thousands chimed in with their experiences and advice.
They opened up about the tiny, everyday moments — like making grocery lists, sitting in comfortable silence, or listening to the exact same story for the hundredth time.
If you want to know the honest, messy, and sometimes hilarious realities of staying together for the long haul, we’ve gathered some of the most spot-on insights right here.
#41
They will change, and you will change too. The important thing is to still like each other, choose each other, consider their needs, and find ways to enjoy time together.
Probably the biggest “raw reality” is that you both need to continue working on yourselves and growing as individuals, or you run the risk of the relationship collapsing. This is why my last relationship ended. Your partner has to match your efforts. You cannot be the only one doing the emotional labor and / or carrying the mental load of the household.
After nine years together and eight years of living together, my last partner became increasingly emotionally unavailable and refused to do any work in that area. The walls he put up grew higher and higher. Then his emotional unavailability spun off into financial infidelity, so I ended it. He stopped choosing us, so I chose myself. No regrets.
Probably the biggest “raw reality” is that you both need to continue working on yourselves and growing as individuals, or you run the risk of the relationship collapsing. This is why my last relationship ended. Your partner has to match your efforts. You cannot be the only one doing the emotional labor and / or carrying the mental load of the household.
After nine years together and eight years of living together, my last partner became increasingly emotionally unavailable and refused to do any work in that area. The walls he put up grew higher and higher. Then his emotional unavailability spun off into financial infidelity, so I ended it. He stopped choosing us, so I chose myself. No regrets.
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6points
#42
You're taking a shower and he comes in to take a poo. Your only reaction is to remind him not to flush because it causes the shower to go really hot. He just closes the lid when he's done, and you flush when you get out.
Why wasn't I warned XD.
Why wasn't I warned XD.
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6points
#43
Droughts of romance WILL happen. And yes it is BOTH of your responsibilities to make it rain. You’re not exempt from romantic gestures just because you’re a woman. And you’re not exempt from romantic gestures just because you’ve already married her. Water the garden or it will d*e.
And I’m not talking a bouquet of flowers. Aim to impress. To shock.
And I’m not talking a bouquet of flowers. Aim to impress. To shock.
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6points
#44
There is no recourse when they do something hurtful. You are stuck with them. You have to work through it. You can’t leave, get revenge, or hold resentment or else it will further harm the relationship. You either find a way to get over it or get a divorce. .
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5points
#45
There is no "right" way to live your life together. I know older couples who act just like newlyweds, but I also know older couples who are more or less roommates. As you age, your priorities will change, but this varies from person to person. Sometimes it varies a lot.
The reality is that this kind of thing is *really* hard to tell when you're early in a relationship. So IMO, the #1 thing everyone should be prepared for is that your relationship might end as you mature and grow apart, and that's okay. It doesn't have to be violent upheaval. Healthy, well adjusted adults can sit down, realize that they're no longer right for each other, and go back out into the world to find what they want.
People get too attached to their ideals about marriage, and don't pay enough attention to the practical realities. When you're young, you focus on what satisfies the urges that dominate your psyche at the time. As you age, that will change. It's biology. This means your needs change too. Being up front about those changes, talking about them openly, and always being supportive of your partner's needs, even when they don't align with your own, is how you maintain a long term relationship, even if it doesn't have the same label for the entirety of your lives.
The reality is that this kind of thing is *really* hard to tell when you're early in a relationship. So IMO, the #1 thing everyone should be prepared for is that your relationship might end as you mature and grow apart, and that's okay. It doesn't have to be violent upheaval. Healthy, well adjusted adults can sit down, realize that they're no longer right for each other, and go back out into the world to find what they want.
People get too attached to their ideals about marriage, and don't pay enough attention to the practical realities. When you're young, you focus on what satisfies the urges that dominate your psyche at the time. As you age, that will change. It's biology. This means your needs change too. Being up front about those changes, talking about them openly, and always being supportive of your partner's needs, even when they don't align with your own, is how you maintain a long term relationship, even if it doesn't have the same label for the entirety of your lives.
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5points
#46
Stress. You stress when your partner stresses, but often you need to hide it and be their emotional support.
She'll spill out all her anxieties about a big event at work, and you'll be anxious for her, but you'll have to keep quiet and tell her it will all work out ok.
He'll be freaking out about the big exam and how he's definitely going to fail, and you'll have to stop yourself from getting angry as you remember the countless late nights of hard work and study they've done and that they seem to want to pretend they never did.
In a love-filled relationship of long standing, you become emotionally bonded. You feel what they feel, and they feel what you feel. It's profoundly frustrating. Their stresses and worries and anxieties become yours. Many times a day will be going well for you, until they come home - they've not had a good day, and now as you console them, your day isn't good anymore either. You find yourself asking "Why do I feel sad/angry/frustrated - I was having a blast!" and it's because you live vicariously through them, and their experiences affect you deeply.
The silver lining is that this is both a two way street, and one with trees as well as traffic. What I mean by that is firstly, your partner will experience this too and will understand the feelings. It also means you strengthen together as you share in emotion. Secondly it means that this applies to the good and not just the bad. A fairly dreary day is instantly lit up when your partner bursts into the house practically exploding with happiness and energy because she passed her driving test or because he got the job, or whatever else. You get to share in their positive emotions and celebrate them too!
She'll spill out all her anxieties about a big event at work, and you'll be anxious for her, but you'll have to keep quiet and tell her it will all work out ok.
He'll be freaking out about the big exam and how he's definitely going to fail, and you'll have to stop yourself from getting angry as you remember the countless late nights of hard work and study they've done and that they seem to want to pretend they never did.
In a love-filled relationship of long standing, you become emotionally bonded. You feel what they feel, and they feel what you feel. It's profoundly frustrating. Their stresses and worries and anxieties become yours. Many times a day will be going well for you, until they come home - they've not had a good day, and now as you console them, your day isn't good anymore either. You find yourself asking "Why do I feel sad/angry/frustrated - I was having a blast!" and it's because you live vicariously through them, and their experiences affect you deeply.
The silver lining is that this is both a two way street, and one with trees as well as traffic. What I mean by that is firstly, your partner will experience this too and will understand the feelings. It also means you strengthen together as you share in emotion. Secondly it means that this applies to the good and not just the bad. A fairly dreary day is instantly lit up when your partner bursts into the house practically exploding with happiness and energy because she passed her driving test or because he got the job, or whatever else. You get to share in their positive emotions and celebrate them too!
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5points
#47
There is no "raw reality" Like everything else -- it's what you make it, and how compatible you are in the first place. Are you really friends who pull for each other no matter what?
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5points
#48
My wife and her friend were talking about this very thing a couple of days ago. Their suggestion: if you really want to find out what someone is like before making a long-term commitment, go on a road trip with them.
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5points
#49
There's a really good chance that at some point you are going to have to look at a boil on your partner's back or inner thigh and pop that thing!
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4points
#50
Sometimes you just want to do a simple thing without comment, questions or having to explain yourself. I just want to be able to tip some dog food into a bowl without a voice behind me saying 'should we be feeding him again tonight?' Or to drive and listen to a good song without the stream of consciousness about Baldursgate 3 or whatever coming from the passenger seat. I just want quiet sometimes. Intense quiet.
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3points
#51
After having kids I’m struggling with the balance of mom mode and wife mode. The difference is crazy and I just noticed I was being an amazing mom, but not a good wife and it hurts because our 4th is due in October.
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3points