Life does not always go according to plan. For some, the professional athlete career they dreamed about since they were five-years-old may have been derailed by an injury in college, and for others who are even less lucky, one small mistake can lead to years behind bars. And while some parents had their kids’ names picked out long before they even meet their partner, others just did not envision a life with children at all.
One Reddit user, SniperGlizzy1, started a very candid conversation asking, “What is it like to have children you don’t want?” Although it is clearly a sensitive topic, many readers opened up and were candid in the replies. We’ve gathered some of the most eye-opening stories people have shared down below from parents who did not intend to have kids and from people who grew up knowing they were not wanted. Below, you'll also find an interview from the hosts of The Childfree Girls podcast. Feel free to continue this conversation in the comments, and let us know if you have any personal experiences like these heartbreaking stories.
Then if you’d like to check out another Bored Panda piece featuring parents being honest about what they don’t like about their kids, you can find that article right here.
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#21
I'm not seeing a lot of first hand responses, so I'll jump on the grenade.
I have two sons who (despite loving them very much and wanting the best for them) my life would be much better if I hadn't had them. My whole life growing up I expressed doubts that I wanted kids, because kids freak me out. Everyone always said that it would be different when it's your own kids. I'm sure for some people it is, but for me it's not.
I think I have some kind of phobia of kids. I'm on the autism spectrum (as is my oldest son), and I hate that I helped bring two people into this world that I can't be there for. I wanted to be a good father, and all things considered I'm still not terrible, but I don't enjoy time with my kids the way I should.
My wife and I separated when our boys were still young due to other issues in our relationship, she has since remarried to a great guy who is wonderful with our boys. She moved about 5 hours away but I still visit them on big holidays and their birthdays. I pay my child support without fuss. I'm happy knowing my boys are happy, but it's a weight taken off my shoulders that I'm not having to care for them, because I just can't.
If there was a moral to this story I would say that if you think you might not be able to handle kids it's perfectly okay to not have them. But make sure that's known early in the relationship. Don't expect your partner to change because they'll be expecting you to change as well, and one if not both of you will end up unhappy. The bonus moral is never trust someone who wants to use the rhythm method of birth control.
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90points
A friend of Lola’s notes that she sometimes feels jealous of her childfree friends who can take spontaneous vacations or head off to a painting retreat whenever they like. “It’s not regret. It is something deeper, like a realization that there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to care for them and myself, without some things falling off the to-do list—and that, all too often, the thing that falls off the list is me.” The funny thing is that people often assume that mothers are neglecting their children if they regret having them, but what seems to be more likely is that the mothers neglect caring for themselves. Even if they don't feel particularly maternal, most mothers find a way to pour everything they have into their kids.
#22
So, I married a man with two kids and we have a daughter together. Totally thought I had it in me to be a stepmom. To make it worse, one kid was a baby when we got together and so I am more bonded to him and the other one drives me nuts. I have thought about getting divorced multiple times over it but when it’s me, my husband, and our daughter it is so nice. I dread when they come and can’t wait until they leave. I try to treat them well because it’s definitely not their fault. I wouldn’t have done if I would have known how ill-equipped I would be. I am just so annoyed all the time. I know I sound like the typical evil stepmom and I wish I didn’t. There’s just no affection, especially for the oldest. Thanks for letting me vent this here because I feel like nobody understands.
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90points
#23
Love isn’t a light switch that you suddenly feel. Love is a process. It takes time and work. He’s doing that work.
Media and hype around kids is built up to stupid levels and leaves many parents with feelings of inadequacy. Lots of parents (especially Dads) struggle with this. Pregnant mothers have a bit more time to come to terms with the fact they have a child, and hormones to back it up. It often doesn’t feel “real” for dads many parents until months or sometimes even a couple years after their kid is born.
Sometimes you just need to get out of your head and stop worrying about what you’re “supposed” to feel. Take care of your child. Make them feel loved. That’s all that you need to do.
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83points
#24
It set the tone for the rest of my life, one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. I honestly believe if I'd never had a kid, particularly as young and alone as I was in a very socially backwards area, I'd have made a lot more of myself. I know that could be taken as self-rationalization for lack of trying and failures. But I also know how I felt, how I have never bonded with my kid, and how both our lives could have been a lot better had I either waited to have her, or let another couple adopt her like I wanted but was forced out of the choice.
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78points
Lola writes that it is important for parents to find a way to cope with their conflicted feelings about parenting. You cannot resent your children or take it out on them, but as many parents note, it does get easier as they get older. The more self-sufficient kids become, the more their parents can take care of themselves too. Another friend of Lola’s says, “Now that they are all at school, I’m coming out of it, but it has been 10 years of me putting everyone’s needs first. Now it’s my turn, and it feels good.” She explained that she finally has time to dedicate to her art, which is a much needed escape and healthy outlet.
#25
I've honestly thought about this question before. My son (14months M) was planned, and he is incredible, absolutely a light in our lives. On the other hand, I was super ill the entire pregnancy, depressed and struggling up until a few months ago. Now, this was made worse by two moves (military), and covid of course, but I never ever want to do this again. Not quite the same, but similar.
We get so much pressure on "the next kid" from friends and family, and EVERYONE assumes you'll have more. I absolutely am one and done, at least biologically. I did not enjoy the baby days, and now that he's a toddler, he's amazing. I know two would just be above my capacity, and I would regret having another.
That being said, my husband and I are both really drawn to fostering, and will likely do so when we are at our final posting location and our kid is a bit older.
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77points
#26
My sister got pregnant by a total piece of s**t she knew for 3 months.
Nephew born, he split. Loves her son, but not enough to take care of him. She moved in with my parents and passed all parenting duties to them.
It's obvious she resents him. She screams at him over little things. Everyone is miserable.
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74points
#27
I think this is what happened with my dad. Luckily "fake it til you make it" seems to work well enough. Now that I'm an independent adult, he has expressed that "of course you're my kid, but honestly I just enjoy hanging out with you". I can respect that even if he didn't feel ~love~ he helped me grow and supports me. And if a friendship-level of respect is all he can muster, I know that's not my fault. I think your friend and his kid will probably be ok.
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74points
Whether or not you decide to have children, remember to be empathetic to every situation. People who don't have kids may have desperately wanted them but were unable to for various reasons, while those who have them might be jealous of their childfree friends. This list opens up a sensitive conversation, as parents have shared extremely vulnerable stories, but it is an eye-opening reminder that you never know what anyone else is going through. Let us know in the comments if these stories brought up any personal stories for you; we would love to hear what influenced your decision whether or not you wanted to have kids, or how you are leaning if you're still undecided.
#28
My husband and I have been raising my niece for 3.5 years. We also had my teenage nephew for a year before we had her, but growing up with my sister as a mom had done more damage to him than we could handle. My niece is almost 16 now. I'm 29 and I feel like I gave up my fun and careless years to raise my sister's kids. I've always dreamed of having my own children and now that I'm struggling to conceive I can't help but feel resentful that I'm raising one of my junkie sister's 6 healthy children.
Overall my niece is a good kid. I love her and I want her to do well in life, but she doesn't feel like she's our kid and she doesn't think of us when she thinks about who her parents are. She experienced a lot of trauma while living with my sister and it's a lot to handle. She was cutting for awhile and recently admitted to bulimia and has had suicidal thoughts. Her counselor keeps advising us to do more stuff with her and spend more time with her to pull her out of her dark moods. I feel like my mental energy is already 90% devoted to her and the thought of giving up even more of the 10% reserved for me and my husband is incredibly daunting.
It doesn't help that I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional household and my niece is one of my biggest triggers that brings those issues back up for me. I was just starting therapy to work on my past traumas when my niece started having a bunch of issues so all of my sessions became about managing her issues instead of dealing with my own. All I wanted when I was her age was somebody to save me from the dysfunction I was growing up in. I feel like I'm giving her exactly what I wanted as a teen but it's not enough for her and she doesn't appreciate it.
I've also witnessed all of my siblings and my nephew go totally off the rails and into addiction and bad life choices at 15/16 years old, so my niece developing a bunch of issues at this age triggered the hell out of me and made me feel like I was fighting against her inevitable downfall. Add that in with my complicated relationship with my sister and the resentment I feel towards her for placing this burden on me, the family I have to maintain contact with so that I'm not keeping my niece from them, and the fact that I'm not my niece's legal guardian so every medical thing is a huge hassle and it's all just too much.
I feel trapped and like I'm sacrificing my own future children on the slim chance that my niece might overcome my family's generational dysfunction.
Overall my niece is a good kid. I love her and I want her to do well in life, but she doesn't feel like she's our kid and she doesn't think of us when she thinks about who her parents are. She experienced a lot of trauma while living with my sister and it's a lot to handle. She was cutting for awhile and recently admitted to bulimia and has had suicidal thoughts. Her counselor keeps advising us to do more stuff with her and spend more time with her to pull her out of her dark moods. I feel like my mental energy is already 90% devoted to her and the thought of giving up even more of the 10% reserved for me and my husband is incredibly daunting.
It doesn't help that I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional household and my niece is one of my biggest triggers that brings those issues back up for me. I was just starting therapy to work on my past traumas when my niece started having a bunch of issues so all of my sessions became about managing her issues instead of dealing with my own. All I wanted when I was her age was somebody to save me from the dysfunction I was growing up in. I feel like I'm giving her exactly what I wanted as a teen but it's not enough for her and she doesn't appreciate it.
I've also witnessed all of my siblings and my nephew go totally off the rails and into addiction and bad life choices at 15/16 years old, so my niece developing a bunch of issues at this age triggered the hell out of me and made me feel like I was fighting against her inevitable downfall. Add that in with my complicated relationship with my sister and the resentment I feel towards her for placing this burden on me, the family I have to maintain contact with so that I'm not keeping my niece from them, and the fact that I'm not my niece's legal guardian so every medical thing is a huge hassle and it's all just too much.
I feel trapped and like I'm sacrificing my own future children on the slim chance that my niece might overcome my family's generational dysfunction.
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63points
#29
I am really not proud to share this, but I went through a period of bad drug addiction resulting from mental illness and an abusive relationship (with the dad) so I actually had a period of time where I didn't want my children. Not as in I didn't want them to exist, I do and always have loved them, but I didn't want them WITH me basically because I knew that I was incapable of taking care of any of us so I was constantly overwhelmed, exhausted, and just wanted everything to stop. It was the worst and most heartbreaking period of my life because they deserved so much better and I knew it but I couldn't give that to them and every time they showed me any kind of affection I just wanted to break down because I didn't feel like I deserved it and didn't really know how to react.
I'm happy to say that I am now getting my s**t together and we have a good relationship (I'm extremely grateful that they're still young and have no memories of the Bad Times.) At any rate, the problem was with me, not them, and I have no respect for any parent who sees it otherwise.
EDIT: Thanks so much to everyone who replied (and gave awards! Wow!) I really wasn't sure what kind of reaction this was going to get but everyone has been really sweet and supportive so I just wanted to let y'all know I appreciate it. :)
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56points
#30
My kids are wanted by me, but not by their other parent. It's been over a year since any contact.
I'm watching them grow in a world that isn't made for them in many ways (they both have disabilities) and for their own parent to abandon them is the saddest thing I've ever seen. My older kiddo is autistic which is almost a blessing because older kiddo never had a decent connection with the other parent, and is very black and white with thinking. Younger kiddo doesn't remember the other parent, but isn't autistic (congenital physical disabilities) and I'm sure will ask harder questions than my autistic kiddo has.
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53points