Hello Dahmane,
I would really appreciate it if you’d give me a few minutes of your time for the chance to explain my side of the story. I only got a brief chat with Sarune when she asked me how I felt at the end of Friday’s shift, and I was tired, emotional and already under pressure since the beginning of the day, so I did not get the chance to tell her in more detail what happened. I find it is only fair that you hear both sides of the situation.
I worked with my full determination since day 1 and I can tell you with an open heart that I truly did my best in all tasks, with full power and stamina. I know new relationships of any kind can be a sensible terrain, so I never expected to be praised, nor patted on the back for anything, just the minimum requirement for human interaction: respect and professionalism. Because I was abused before, part of my recovering practise is to question and reason with whomever I have contact, so maybe this, in this boulangerie where you established a specific order for things and a specific manner for things to be done, me coming as a new employee and asking a lot of questions about why something needs to be done in this way or that way might have felt annoying and giving the impression that I want to oppose the system. The truth is, again, part of my recovery from abuse, that I choose to follow reason, not orders, so as long as I understand a certain request, I follow it and I am thus settled in my understanding.
My first contact with chef Bogdan was me asking him “You’re romanian as well?”, to which he rolled his eyes over. First I thought it was just a funny face, maybe the awkwardness of a first meeting or maybe just a bad day on his side, so I let it pass. Then he kept making undermining remarks like “you will understand when you will grow up”, whenever I was asking him to repeat whatever he said in a quiet voice or in an incomprehensive manner, not because I was failing to process. He used every occasion of our interactions to try to undermine me, make sexist comments, and one big shock for me was when we had a gay couple on table 3, Sarune was also witnessing this conversation when he said: “I hate these people!”…I was doing the dishes and I asked “which people?”…to which his answer was “gays!”. It felt like a punch in the stomach to realize that I am sharing the workspace with a homophobe.
On my only shift with the other chef, Leo, whenever I was bringing the dishes to the sink I was giving him the feedback from the customers and he was thanking me and appreciating the fact that I bring him feedback and that he is appreciated by customers. I did the same with chef Bogdan for a few times, but after his response was literally “who gives a fuck!?” at my “table x said the food was delicious”, I started keeping the feedback for myself. In other situations when, as a new colleague, I was asking him job-related things, his answers were always sarcastic, short-tempered hidden behind a poker-faced grim and so he constructed this layer of untrustworthiness that I felt he had towards me for reasons I will never know. This lack of professional interaction made me question if what he says is ever true or just trying to set me up for failure and tease me, so when I asked him if the plastic bottle used for the sauces goes in the dishwasher and he said “yes”, I doubted that he is serious. My logic was that it couldn’t go in because they are made of soft plastic so I thought he was just mockingly telling me to do things I shouldn’t do, to test my intellectual reasoning, as I saw he often does with the other colleagues as well. So, just to make sure, I asked Oliver if the bottle goes inside the washing machine and he said I should follow what chef says…by this time Bodgan was already red-faced angry because I did not execute his order and he raised his voice and demanded me in an aggressive manner that I should just execute whatever he asks me to and said “he doesn’t give a fuck” when I asked him to be polite. Imagine that my reaction was not to blindly obey, but to respectfully and calmly ask him to not expect me to follow what he says when he is not acting professionally and respectfully towards me. I guess this was the moment that he decided to make my days a hell because then he truly used all occasions to make snarky remarks at my every move. I never asked of him to be friendly, not even nice to me, just the minimum of human interaction: respect.
The overall impression I got from him, apart from his culinary abilities which are undeniably sharp, is that he has a heart full of fear and a belly full of anger and he doesn’t know what else to do with his pain other than dumping it on others.
My last day, Friday, was the last and most difficult one, given that on top of Bogdan’s daily bullying, Daniela also joined in and pushed me around and did not communicate respectfully and effectively with me.
Friday morning, when Bogdan was sorting out and placing in the fridge the vegetables for the day that he received later than usual, I was trying my best to manage the time around his sorting. Thus, I delayed giving him the apricot crumble and blueberry financier for baking. I was having the yesterdays cakes placed on the stands to help me manage in the space near the mirror wall while I gave him the space behind the counter to sort out the boxes. When he finished with the vegetables he flipped out and started pointing finger at me when he saw that I placed the old victoria sponge on the stand and not directly on a plate for him to sprinkle sugar. I understand the order of doing things, please don’t get me wrong, but I was adapting to the circumstance by giving him the space to finish his sorting. He truly gave me no chance to say anything, just raised his voice and gave me a verbal shakedown about how I always make mistakes and that “this is the third chance he’s given me” (truly, he didn’t give any). No reasoning whatsoever towards the fact that I am still new in the domain, in the space, in everything, and no consideration regarding the fact that I am still learning and trying my best as I go. I never really understood why he chooses to waste energy on criticizing and undermining me, rather than a short, concise and neutral communication, of cooperation and trying to make a fluid team.
As he was gradually raising his voice he started telling me, I quote word by word: “You are crazy, you need to go to a doctor!”, “You have problems in the head!”, “Are you married, do you have a partner at home, who supports you like that?”(just to make clear this was a sexist remark regarding my supposed stiffness). After this one last toxic remark, I told him that I do not have to receive his asshole comments and continued to explain, a bit irritated myself, that I will not tolerate his abuse. I told him he’s an asshole two more times when he continued to “not give a fuck”(in his words) about respecting me as a colleague. At the end of the shift, Sarune had a short chat with me and I only told her briefly about the day, I told her that I am sorry for telling Bogdan he’s an asshole and that I will apologize to him. So I did apologize and told him I am sorry for crossing the line and that it will not happen again. Then I left the boulangerie, 30 minutes after my shift.
The interaction with Daniela was also difficult, given that I was trying to figure things out as I go, on a busy day, she was possibly a bit overwhelmed about running tables, maybe stressed over the fact that I was not able to help her as much as she would need. I always kept an open eye and open arms to offer help, but I was being pushed around with a patronizing expectation to obey and execute. Much like Bogdan’s demeanour, just on a smiling, beautiful female face. The moment I felt she started being truly annoyed was when she found some plates I left in the sink. I understand the way it’s done: stack them in their place, rinse and put in the dishwasher. And I was doing just that, taking them one by one from the stack, rinsing with sponge and water, then stacking them INSIDE the sink just before I place them in the dishwasher. As I was having the stack of rinsed dishes in the sink, she asked me to help on the floor so I immediately washed my hands and I jumped in. Obviously, stacking the dishes back on the side was not a priority for me when she asked for help. When she came to the sink this was a trigger for her and she didn’t want to listen to any explanation, rejecting my way of trying to reason like human beings who communicate, not just blindly follow and bow the head. After this, she couldn’t look me in the eyes, didn’t give me any chance to reason, and even when I politely asked her for a minute conversation she discarded me and said there’s nothing to talk about. I insisted, she found a way to just slip out of the conversation and turn her back on me. Surely, with a smiling face, but with dense, pressurized energy.
Oliver was a good teacher, Eunji as well, Magda was lovely, Sarune was impeccable…I enjoyed sharing the workspace with them and learning from them.
This is a long message I’m writing here and I truly hope the reasonable man that I know you to be can find a place inside the heart to understand that I feel treated unfairly and I am quite sad for ending things this way. I was harassed every day and never received anything close to an apology for the treatment, but for calling Bogdan an “asshole”(and apologizing after!) I get accused of assault. It seems very ironic to me…
I really enjoyed working in your boulangerie, I loved the place from the first sight and I enjoyed getting acquainted with your lovely regular customers. The community in the Hampstead area is truly something special and I am grateful that I had the chance to learn and grow inside your business.
Please receive my apologies for any disturbance caused to you and the work collective, and be assured that I learned my lesson.
Good luck in all endeavours!
S
More info: gaeanada.wordpress.com
Be brave, share your story, set yourself free ❤
