The holidays are supposed to be all about quality time with family. However, for many people, Christmas is not so picture-perfect. In fact, according to the estate planning company Trust & Will, 40% of Americans experience conflicts with their family members during holiday gatherings.
This man wasn't about to resign to demeaning comments from his family, so he simply walked out. After sitting through endless "roasts" about him being unemployed, the guy had enough and left. Yet, after his mother complained about how his behavior embarrassed her, the man started wondering whether he was the one who was out of line in that situation.
A holiday dinner with family turned into a nightmare for this unemployed guy
Image credits: RDNE Stock project/Pexels (not the actual photo)
After suffering endless roasting, he decided to leave, but that also triggered his mother's embarrassment
Image credits: Pathfinder-electron
Some family members might wind us up on purpose as they revert to their childhood selves
Image credits: RDNE Stock project/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Stress during the holidays is probably inevitable. But the sources of that stress differ for each person. For some, it may be about not having enough money to buy presents. For others, it might be having to work on Christmas Day.
For 22% of Americans, however, it's about anticipating conflicts with family members around the dinner table. Unwanted and inappropriate comments from aunts, uncles, in-laws, and cousins are almost a universal experience for many adults. But why exactly do people do this if the holidays are difficult?
Psychologists explain that we unconsciously revert to certain roles during huge family gatherings. Other family members might ascribe those roles to us inadvertently as well. For example, an uncle may believe that he has the right to give life advice and lecture his nephew about job opportunities. The nephew, in turn, may react to those kinds of comments from the entire family tree as unjust, reminding them of unfair criticism from their adolescence in the past.
Why do family members do this? For some, it may be fun, as the provocateurs and the button-pushers wind up their family members for sport. Systemic family therapist Dr. Monica Whyte explains that some people just get pleasure out of doing that. "They see it as their role in the family to burst people's bubbles."
Younger family members, like nephews, sons, and daughters often revert back to their childhood roles and react accordingly. And the behavior of the older ones resembles that of toddlers as well, according to Dr. Whyte. They're either being self-centered or inconsiderate, insensitive, ignore boundaries, or seek attention.
Family gatherings thus become battles of our "inner children." The more aware we are of that, the more successful we can be at dealing with unwanted comments and upsetting behaviors without causing even more drama at the holiday dinner table.
Conflict during the holidays is inevitable and knowing that may help us control our expectations and reactions
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Not reacting to comments such as the ones this nephew had to endure seems like an impossible task. "Why are these people allowed to behave that way and I have to just sit there and take it?" one might ask. Yet, according to experts, not engaging is the best way to deal with such family drama.
Some psychologists advise curbing your expectations, both good and bad. If we're anticipating drama, as UK-based psychologist Terri Apter explained to the BBC, that will only heighten our reactions. Similarly, if we want the holidays to go perfectly, a bad comment might ruin Christmas.
"You have what psychologists would call high arousal, in which you're hyper vigilant for certain dangers," Apter says. "And so the pressure for it to be a 'good' event can contribute to it being a very bad event."
As long as we keep in mind that conflict is probably inevitable, we might find it way easier to deal with it when stuff hits the fan. A disagreement doesn't have to ruin the holidays, Apter says. "If you can get to that point where you can mend an argument easily, then that's very helpful."
In the end, there is no magic pill to stop your family members from being annoying or make you immune to their mean comments. The key is to focus on what you can control and leave space for yourself to engage in some self-care.
"You might recognise that you've got to have private time, maybe in another area in the house or outside the home, where you can breathe, and get back your sense of self," Apter says.
However, commenters sided with the guy and roasted his uncle: "He was rude and unhelpful"
