121 Of The Best Irish Jokes The Internet Has To Offer

Three guys – one Irish, one English, and one Scottish – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total,” says the genie.

The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teeming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, “I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.” The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”

"I live in rural Ireland, if the vaccine turns me into a wifi hotspot it would solve me a lot of problems."

I love summer here in Ireland. It's my favorite day of the year.

My grandmother was 80% Irish. Her name was Iris.

"Ireland's attitude to the coronavirus battle is the same one we apply to the Eurovision: no matter how far down the board, we are as long as we're doing better than England we still feel like we're winning."

A couple just had their first son, the husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian both wish to have their son's name after their heritage. After much argument, they decided on the name. Ravi O'Lee.

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and a funeral?

At a funeral, there’s one less drunk.

How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?

The rain gets warmer.

How many beans does it take to make Irish bean soup?

239. Because one more would make it too farty.

"I am now supporting America in the World Cup because some of them could be Irish people who were sold by the nuns."

Bono and the Edge walk into a bar in Dublin. The barman exclaims, "Not U2 again!!!"

The barman said to Paddy, “Your glass is empty, can I get you another one?”

Paddy replied, “Why would I be needing two feckin’ empty glasses?”

One night, Mrs. McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep. “Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”

Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs. McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned.”

Mrs. McMillen starts crying. “Oh, don't tell me that! Did he at least go quickly?” Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

What’s the difference between an Irish-American and someone born in Ireland?

One’s been to Ireland.

Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?

You don’t want to press your luck.

"You know what? Dublin can be magic, and by magic I mean it’s pretty good at making my bike disappear."

"If only I had a reason to wear this green shirt" - inventor of St. Patrick's Day."

What do you call a fake Irish stone?

A shamrock.

Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?

Its population is always Dublin.