Love doesn’t care about borders. You can find your soulmate anywhere on Earth and start a fantastic adventure together. However, even the most open-minded and adaptable travelers can still be shocked by the differences in background between the two of them, as well as their families.
Has your SO’s family ever told you that you might need surgery? Or that you have to wait in the parking lot to be intentionally late to dinner? People with international and intercultural partners spilled the tea about the biggest and weirdest culture shocks they felt when they first got a taste of their loved one’s culture, and it’s a wild ride. We’re bringing you their top stories to show you just how flexible you have to be if you want to make the relationship work.
#1
Food.
I grew up in a house where my dad is a good cook and we’d always have family dinner together so I thought I was in a food oriented household.
Well a month after I started dating my husband he brings me to a big family dinner. Grandparents were there and all the aunts and uncles. Twenty people around one of those big lazy Susan tables. I was the only white person in the whole restaurant.
They would all be chattering away in Cantonese and suddenly I’d hear my name followed by laughter and a big scoop of something landed in my bowl. Not wanting to be rude I tried to eat everything. If I was really unsure I leaned over to my boyfriend or his mom and ask what it was and their answer invariably was “it’s good, you’ll like it”
On the drive home my boyfriend said I had been the dinner entertainment because everybody thought it was hilarious that this little blonde girl ate everything, they even ordered a few really authentic dishes just to mess with me. But I ended up impressing everyone because I didn’t bat an eye.
He told me later that was the night he decided he was gonna marry me because I whole heartedly jumped into his culture and tried everything. I’m to a point where there are dishes I know I don’t like but if something new is in the table I always try it.
I grew up in a house where my dad is a good cook and we’d always have family dinner together so I thought I was in a food oriented household.
Well a month after I started dating my husband he brings me to a big family dinner. Grandparents were there and all the aunts and uncles. Twenty people around one of those big lazy Susan tables. I was the only white person in the whole restaurant.
They would all be chattering away in Cantonese and suddenly I’d hear my name followed by laughter and a big scoop of something landed in my bowl. Not wanting to be rude I tried to eat everything. If I was really unsure I leaned over to my boyfriend or his mom and ask what it was and their answer invariably was “it’s good, you’ll like it”
On the drive home my boyfriend said I had been the dinner entertainment because everybody thought it was hilarious that this little blonde girl ate everything, they even ordered a few really authentic dishes just to mess with me. But I ended up impressing everyone because I didn’t bat an eye.
He told me later that was the night he decided he was gonna marry me because I whole heartedly jumped into his culture and tried everything. I’m to a point where there are dishes I know I don’t like but if something new is in the table I always try it.
20points
#2
Weddings.
My fiance (Irish) and I (Indian) started planning our wedding. We're both wanted to go for a small wedding and we sat our parents down and told them about it. I gave my fiance a heads up to let him know that we'd have to operationally define what a small wedding would be to my parents because to them small would be like a 100 people. He didn't take me seriously at first, but when we finally got down to it and told my parents, they came up with a guest list of just their friends and my family of about a 125 people.
As a compromise, we've finally arrived on 20 people for the wedding and my parents are throwing us a party after with whoever they want to invite. It was like a war negotiation.
My fiance (Irish) and I (Indian) started planning our wedding. We're both wanted to go for a small wedding and we sat our parents down and told them about it. I gave my fiance a heads up to let him know that we'd have to operationally define what a small wedding would be to my parents because to them small would be like a 100 people. He didn't take me seriously at first, but when we finally got down to it and told my parents, they came up with a guest list of just their friends and my family of about a 125 people.
As a compromise, we've finally arrived on 20 people for the wedding and my parents are throwing us a party after with whoever they want to invite. It was like a war negotiation.
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20points
#3
How accepted I am into their family.
I come from an horrible home. My family is american. I was very much a true life cinderella. I was attacked by siblings and told it was my fault. If I fought back, I was punished severely I was never good enough even with the highest grades or best behavior, but my siblings barely passed school and it was celebrated with huge fanfare.
I am now dating a Hispanic man. His family is so comforting and helpful and loving. It's crazy. The only time I got hugged in my family was when I was losing my cool over how unfair everything was. And it was always I love you all equally. No just I love you, not it was I love you all equally. His family is just hey I'm going hug love you and leave. Or I missed you. Or be careful. Or behave and a kiss blown.
I actually had to have a talk with my SO because I'm not a big hugger. I have trauma that is stirred up by hugs from people. It's a trigger for me. Because a hug with both arms up top can very quickly be one strangling. And it has before. So I had to have him talk to his family. Because it was seriously messing with me.
And his family was totally cool about it. They constantly offer what I assume would be mom and dad level help in a happy home. They are always asking if I'll be there for holidays. They sent me a present for Christmas even though we'd only been together for a couple months. It's insane just how accepting and loving a healthy family is. And I'm not sure if it's the healthy family relationships or if it's the culture difference. But I love it.
I come from an horrible home. My family is american. I was very much a true life cinderella. I was attacked by siblings and told it was my fault. If I fought back, I was punished severely I was never good enough even with the highest grades or best behavior, but my siblings barely passed school and it was celebrated with huge fanfare.
I am now dating a Hispanic man. His family is so comforting and helpful and loving. It's crazy. The only time I got hugged in my family was when I was losing my cool over how unfair everything was. And it was always I love you all equally. No just I love you, not it was I love you all equally. His family is just hey I'm going hug love you and leave. Or I missed you. Or be careful. Or behave and a kiss blown.
I actually had to have a talk with my SO because I'm not a big hugger. I have trauma that is stirred up by hugs from people. It's a trigger for me. Because a hug with both arms up top can very quickly be one strangling. And it has before. So I had to have him talk to his family. Because it was seriously messing with me.
And his family was totally cool about it. They constantly offer what I assume would be mom and dad level help in a happy home. They are always asking if I'll be there for holidays. They sent me a present for Christmas even though we'd only been together for a couple months. It's insane just how accepting and loving a healthy family is. And I'm not sure if it's the healthy family relationships or if it's the culture difference. But I love it.
19points
There are plenty of challenges to be found in a regular relationship with someone from a similar background. There are even more challenges when it is an international, intercultural, interfaith, or interracial marriage.
Broadly speaking, intercultural couples experience more stress than same-culture couples. What’s more, it can take you longer to integrate into their family and background. And if you decide to have kids, they might struggle with their identity, as they grow up between different cultures.
On top of that, there are more legal considerations to keep in mind if you come from different countries: visa requirements, international documentation, residency laws, etc., can be a real pain to get to grips with at first.
#4
Hispanic culture has zero version of political correctness. They are extremely blunt. "Hey you look like you got fat" isn't uncommon.
The people have a better view of life in many ways than I grew up. Much more family focused.
The people have a better view of life in many ways than I grew up. Much more family focused.
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18points
#5
Black British with a Jamaican family. Married to a white British guy.
Was most shocked by funerals. When we had his nannas funeral I was shocked that people were invited and only immediate family. We did the funeral, then went to a pub and there were sandwiches, cakes, tea etc then everyone was heading home by 5.30pm.
Jamaican and Caribbean funerals are NOTHING of the sort. People turn up because they knew the deceased person years ago. Some people don’t even make plans to go to the funeral they arrange to go to the “after”. There’s hot food served like a properly catered function in a hall or centre, there’s sound systems set up, and people dance. Also sometimes a couple old men in hats playing dominoes. There’s also usually a “nine-night” so nine nights after the person passes away you hold a big party essentially to chase away bad spirits. Lots of music, drinking, food, smoking, etc.
I told husband about this and his face was a picture!
Was most shocked by funerals. When we had his nannas funeral I was shocked that people were invited and only immediate family. We did the funeral, then went to a pub and there were sandwiches, cakes, tea etc then everyone was heading home by 5.30pm.
Jamaican and Caribbean funerals are NOTHING of the sort. People turn up because they knew the deceased person years ago. Some people don’t even make plans to go to the funeral they arrange to go to the “after”. There’s hot food served like a properly catered function in a hall or centre, there’s sound systems set up, and people dance. Also sometimes a couple old men in hats playing dominoes. There’s also usually a “nine-night” so nine nights after the person passes away you hold a big party essentially to chase away bad spirits. Lots of music, drinking, food, smoking, etc.
I told husband about this and his face was a picture!
16points
#6
I'd never seen someone cry tears of joy eating good pasta until I met my Italian girlfriend.
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15points
What are the biggest culture shocks that you’ve personally experienced after you started dating your significant other and met their family? Meanwhile, what shocked your partner when you finally introduced them to your folks? What changed after you got married?
Share your relationship and family stories, as well as any advice you have for new couples, in the comments at the very bottom of this post.
#7
It's not interracial in any real way, but I had a bonkers family dinner out with my wife's Maltese family one time. If you're unfamiliar, Maltese people are basically Italians who get super mad when you call them Italians.
We were seated at the end of the long, long dining table with my wife's two aunts and uncles (her dad's brother and sister, and their spouses--all in their 60s and 70s). Dinner was served "family style" at this restaurant, and these two old, Floridian, ex-New Yorker, 2nd-generation Maltese couples ate like this: The lasagne would hit the table, the wife would dish some for the husband, some for herself, and then pass it to the other wife. The next wife would dish some for her husband, some for herself... and the pass it to my wife. Who, without *blinking* dished some for me, some for herself, and passed the tray down the table.
Now this woman has never "served me" dinner (in a restaurant, anyway--she's a great cook at home) in her life. She's a whole, independent, modern woman who is super clear that I'm a grown-a*s man who can get his own food. But at this dinner, her-serving-me happened entirely seamlessly, as if it's just how we did it too.
Then the veal came. Same routine. Then the spaghetti. Same. Then the pork chops. Same.
If you're counting, we're now four entrees into dinner (and I didn't mention appetizers and salad!), and I've been dished a serving of each by my bizarrely servile wife. I'm no slouch at eating, but this is starting to get, well, silly. As I look around at the other husbands (because we're clearly In Rome here), they're stuffing in each of these... courses?... as if it was the first.
Then the desserts started coming. It was a flan, and then a creme brulee, and then a tiramisu. I Was Served a serving of each. By the end of this I was beginning to whinge audibly. As I glommed the final bite of tiramisu, I looked up, breathing heavily, and caught an approving nod from her uncle Charlie.
As I pushed back from the table I looked around and realized that every man in that family is literally 50 to 100 pounds overweight.
We were seated at the end of the long, long dining table with my wife's two aunts and uncles (her dad's brother and sister, and their spouses--all in their 60s and 70s). Dinner was served "family style" at this restaurant, and these two old, Floridian, ex-New Yorker, 2nd-generation Maltese couples ate like this: The lasagne would hit the table, the wife would dish some for the husband, some for herself, and then pass it to the other wife. The next wife would dish some for her husband, some for herself... and the pass it to my wife. Who, without *blinking* dished some for me, some for herself, and passed the tray down the table.
Now this woman has never "served me" dinner (in a restaurant, anyway--she's a great cook at home) in her life. She's a whole, independent, modern woman who is super clear that I'm a grown-a*s man who can get his own food. But at this dinner, her-serving-me happened entirely seamlessly, as if it's just how we did it too.
Then the veal came. Same routine. Then the spaghetti. Same. Then the pork chops. Same.
If you're counting, we're now four entrees into dinner (and I didn't mention appetizers and salad!), and I've been dished a serving of each by my bizarrely servile wife. I'm no slouch at eating, but this is starting to get, well, silly. As I look around at the other husbands (because we're clearly In Rome here), they're stuffing in each of these... courses?... as if it was the first.
Then the desserts started coming. It was a flan, and then a creme brulee, and then a tiramisu. I Was Served a serving of each. By the end of this I was beginning to whinge audibly. As I glommed the final bite of tiramisu, I looked up, breathing heavily, and caught an approving nod from her uncle Charlie.
As I pushed back from the table I looked around and realized that every man in that family is literally 50 to 100 pounds overweight.
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15points
#8
Their insistence on cooking things "the ~~white~~ right way." I'm Filipina, BF is white. His parents are from the PNW and insist that salmon can only be cooked the way they cook it up in Oregon/Washington/whatever. Lmao, that's stupid, there's tons of ways to cook fish and make it delicious but I don't complain. Eventually BF's dad makes us a salmon dinner. Baked salmon with no seasoning, white rice, and a slice of lemon for flavor.
That's it. That's the only way they will eat salmon. We invited BF's mom for dinner once and told her we were making teriyaki salmon. She CANCELED LMAO.
Luckily BF actually has functioning tastebuds and agrees that a lot of his parents food is bland AF.
That's it. That's the only way they will eat salmon. We invited BF's mom for dinner once and told her we were making teriyaki salmon. She CANCELED LMAO.
Luckily BF actually has functioning tastebuds and agrees that a lot of his parents food is bland AF.
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14points
#9
Back in high school I dated a Lebanese girl. We had to date in secret because her family was super strictly against her dating anyone especially a Non-Muslim and Non-Arab guy.
Anyway eventually her cousin found out that we were having intimate relations and that information got to her dad who ended up sending her and her sister back to live with their uncle in Lebanon because "America corrupted his daughter". I never saw her again.
Anyway eventually her cousin found out that we were having intimate relations and that information got to her dad who ended up sending her and her sister back to live with their uncle in Lebanon because "America corrupted his daughter". I never saw her again.
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13points
#10
My (Ashkenazi) husband (Indian) was surprised at how similar our families were. Sure there were some differences but he chose to focus on the similarities. He obviously was expecting more differences.
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13points
#11
Soo much family. She is Samoan. Every Samoan seems to be related.
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11points
#12
Being late to social gatherings is so ingrained in their culture that showing up right on time is considered rude. She has literally made me pull into a parking lot and wait so that we were at least ten minutes late to dinner at tita's house. And we were still the first ones there by far.
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11points
#13
Already commented but I thought of a better answer. I'm Canadian and my partner is British. I don't find our cultures shockingly different, but it took a little while to get used to the British sense of humour.
His family are genuinely proud of me when I make fun of them. They're like "aww your insults are getting so much better, I remember how polite you used to be when we first met you." I cannot make fun of my mom or even my sister like that. And at work we all actively make fun of our boss to his face and he just laughs along. In Canada that never would have happened. It's pretty great tbh.
His family are genuinely proud of me when I make fun of them. They're like "aww your insults are getting so much better, I remember how polite you used to be when we first met you." I cannot make fun of my mom or even my sister like that. And at work we all actively make fun of our boss to his face and he just laughs along. In Canada that never would have happened. It's pretty great tbh.
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11points
#14
When I was dating a Philippine (autocorrect says a different thing than I thought you called people from the Philippines. Hmm). Anyways I was dating this guy and it came out from his family and friends that dating a white girl is just something you do before you get married to a girl from the Philippines.
So yah, I learned the relationship I was invested in was only ever meant to be temporary.
I don't know if this is actually common or I had a unique experience but either way it was shocking and hurtful.
So yah, I learned the relationship I was invested in was only ever meant to be temporary.
I don't know if this is actually common or I had a unique experience but either way it was shocking and hurtful.
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10points
#15
They can drink. Like, seriously. Holy hell. (Scandinavian, specifically Norwegian and Swedish).
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10points
#16
Calling everyone an uncle or auntie when you mean "person who is older." The number of actual relatives is much smaller than the number of family members.
[edit: I love that apparently this happens everywhere except for white middle America. I first got it from my Chinese in-laws].
[edit: I love that apparently this happens everywhere except for white middle America. I first got it from my Chinese in-laws].
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10points
#17
I am 100% Pakistani and my husband is a mix of Indigenous (Canadian) and Ukrainian.
I find it shocking & hilarious when the parents swear, love for animals, openness about talking about intercourse, being able to be physically affectionate with one another with other family around, alcohol, being able to speak your opinions...people actually listen to you when you speak.
I find it shocking & hilarious when the parents swear, love for animals, openness about talking about intercourse, being able to be physically affectionate with one another with other family around, alcohol, being able to speak your opinions...people actually listen to you when you speak.
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10points
#18
I'm from a small family...married a Latina woman who has 3 boys. My family wasn't close at all but my wife's is completely different. We're all very close, always hugs and kisses and talking s**t. Those "boys " are now men, all have kids of their own. And I've been with them for 20+ years and my wife and family are still going strong.
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10points
#19
She ate fried bananas, she gave me some and taste like sweet fried potatoes, its really weird.
Shes from colombia btw.
Shes from colombia btw.
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9points
#20
How open his family is about money. I never knew how much my parents make I have no idea how much money my sister makes. But I know my sister in law makes 5k more a year than my husband because every time one of them gets a raise they call each other to gloat (no bad blood just an ongoing sibling rivalry. I think she’s gonna win honestly)
I know what my father in law makes and every year he goes over our taxes with us so he knows down to the penny what my husband and I make.
It’s honestly so refreshing to not have a taboo about money. It’s made me so much smarter financially. My husband and I bought a house two months before we got married and ended being house poor. We didn’t have any spending money outside food bills and mortgage. I felt no trepidation going to my mother in law and asking her to help us nail down a budget and savings plan for the next six months to help dig us out of the hole we were in.
Some of this is cultural but some of it is just his family being very very open with each other.
I know what my father in law makes and every year he goes over our taxes with us so he knows down to the penny what my husband and I make.
It’s honestly so refreshing to not have a taboo about money. It’s made me so much smarter financially. My husband and I bought a house two months before we got married and ended being house poor. We didn’t have any spending money outside food bills and mortgage. I felt no trepidation going to my mother in law and asking her to help us nail down a budget and savings plan for the next six months to help dig us out of the hole we were in.
Some of this is cultural but some of it is just his family being very very open with each other.
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9points