If you decide to get married with your partner, it makes perfect sense that you want to make your wedding, well, truly yours. It’s not just about the theme or the band or the decor or the cake, even though those are pretty significant details. Ideally, you’ll celebrate your Big Day surrounded by the people you love the most in the world. And it’s natural to feel frustrated if your in-laws start inviting random guests you might not even have met.
Bride-to-be u/MammothTough9960 turned to the ‘Wedding’ online group for some practical advice regarding a bit of family drama. She revealed that her narcissistic future father-in-law (FFIL) tried to invite a whopping 23 guests—without the bride’s permission—to the event. Scroll down for the story in full. Bored Panda reached out to u/MammothTough9960, and she was kind enough to answer our questions about what happened. You'll find our interview with her below.
It can be incredibly frustrating if someone tries to take control of how your wedding is organized and who gets invited
Image credits: Omar Lopez (not the actual photo)
One bride-to-be revealed how her future father-in-law decided to invite a jaw-dropping 23 people to her wedding without asking
Image credits: Ephe N (not the actual photo)
Image source: MammothTough9960
"I’d advise couples to stand their ground when planning a wedding and only do things you want to do"
We asked u/MammothTough9960 what her first reaction was when she realized that her father-in-law had invited so many guests. "I was so angry when he did this and how he thought he had the right to invite people without asking us, and also so many people I have never met (some I’ve never heard him speak about) and that my partner hasn’t seen in at least 6 years!" she told Bored Panda.
"He did it because he’s a raging narcissist and he said he shouldn’t be penalized as he doesn’t speak to his family and should be able to have his friends who he considers family there to celebrate. He couldn’t see that we are his family and he doesn’t need anyone else there."
According to the author, her fiancé's mom has apologized for what happened. However, "we have sent a message to my father-in-law which he has ignored so far. Mother-in-law states he’s sorry he’s upset us, but it was the same months ago when it first happened and he apologized.
"We’ve said when you apologize it’s because you’ve realized you were wrong and it won’t happen again. And obviously, it’s happened again, so he obviously doesn’t care about our feelings or considerations. I can’t believe he hasn’t even replied to the message! How ignorant," u/MammothTough9960 explained to Bored Panda.
The bride-to-be also had some advice to share with newly engaged couples who feel pressured to change the guest list. "I’d advise couples to stand their ground when planning a wedding and only do things you want to do and don’t care about anyone else’s feelings!" she said.
"I wish I’d have done that in the first place and I wouldn’t be in this situation, but hindsight is a beautiful thing."
At the end of the day, it's your wedding, so you have the final say about who does (not) get invited to your Big Day
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
It’s up to each and every marrying couple to answer the big logistical questions. They have to decide how big the wedding will be, what venue to choose, how many guests they’d ideally like, who they’ll invite, and who they want to ask for help when dealing with what event-related issues.
At the end of the day, if you’re fully funding your wedding, then you have complete control of the guest list. It’s up to you (well, budget-allowing) if you want to invite absolutely everyone you know, including your cousins thrice removed and ex-coworkers, or if you want a smaller, more intimate event.
Things get a bit murky if your family and in-laws are pitching in with some serious cash to fund your wedding. Then, they might have a bit more influence in terms of the guest list. Maybe they’ll subtly pressure you into inviting some of your extended family members.
Of course, you can (gently) push back. Maybe having hundreds of your long-lost relatives watching you walk down the aisle isn’t how you envisioned your Big Day, and you want to stay true to your initial vision.
Whatever the case might be, there’s always a line where it’s all a bit too much. Say, inviting nearly two dozen people who the bride-to-be doesn’t really know. It’s one thing to offer people a +1. It’s another thing entirely for the in-laws to start dominating the celebration.
There’s really no alternative to open and honest communication. Nobody’s a mind-reader, so if there’s a problem, you need to address it head-on. Now, it helps if you’re as diplomatic as possible because people generally don’t respond well to accusations and judgment. That being said, you also want to stay true to yourself, enforce your boundaries, and actually enjoy yourself at your wedding.
So, you have to find some balance between being firm yet friendly and directly addressing the issue without starting a massive argument. In some cases, a bit of subtlety can be your best friend. Other times, the person you’re talking to needs to be told, very honestly, what the issue is and what needs to happen to solve it.
Look for some small compromises if you want, but you should never feel like someone’s using your guilt to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do.
Setting the ground rules for guest invites early on can prevent a lot of misunderstandings with your family
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
According to Brides magazine, one of the most common mistakes that couples make with regard to their guest list is inviting too many people because they overestimate how many of them will respond ‘no’ to the invite. You should use your venue capacity and budget to decide the size of your guest list.
What’s more, you shouldn’t invite guests simply out of obligation. “Feeling compelled to invite people you barely know, such as distant relatives or acquaintances, can quickly inflate your list and drain your budget. Instead, focus on those who are genuinely part of your lives and future,” etiquette expert Jamila Musayeva told Brides.
Furthermore, you should have a chat with your family early in the wedding organizing process so they know how many people they’re allowed to invite so that there are no misunderstandings. Essentially, this can help you avoid a lot of awkwardness and huge headaches further down the line.
You should also be clear about whether or not children are allowed at the wedding. And keep group dynamics in mind as much as possible. For example, you may want to steer clear of inviting any ex-partners while also remembering to include genuinely close friends.
Meanwhile, The Knot notes that couples should ultimately do what they think is best and shouldn’t feel obligated to, for example, give everyone a +1 invite or to allow kids. Discuss everything with your nearest and dearest to get some perspective, to be sure, but that final decision is yours.
The upside of a small guest list is that you’ll spend more time with the people you love. If you’re ever in doubt, listen to what your gut tells you. Wedding expert Karina Lopez told The Knot that couples should “take a moment to think about the people they couldn't see themselves celebrating such a special occasion without. While family is always important, certain coworkers and friends are typically high on the list as well.”
How would you react if your in-laws suddenly started inviting dozens of random people to your Big Day, dear Pandas? What advice would you give the bride-to-be who now has to deal with this huge mess? Has anyone ever tried to drastically change the guest list at your wedding? We’d love to hear your perspective. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below!
Many internet users wanted to give the bride-to-be some advice. Here are their tips and reactions
