#1
We cross each other's lines all the time. And not just online. According to Chester McNaughton, a registered professional counselor who specializes in boundaries, anger management, and dysfunctional relationships in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, boundary violations typically fall into three categories: aggressive, passive-aggressive, or accidental.
Aggressive violations, for example, include shoving and hitting; damaging property; exerting control over someone’s time or money; making threats; taunting and hurling insults.
Passive-aggressive violations include interrupting; gossiping; giving the silent treatment, and assuming you know what someone thinks, needs, or wants.
For instance, we might tell someone: "you don't really believe that, you're too sensitive, why are you making such a big deal?" Susan Orenstein, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, and relationship expert, explained.
Accidental violations (like the "meatballs" DM that IKEA sent to a random Twitter user) include bumping into someone or stating an opinion respectfully, but finding out that the other person finds it offensive, McNaughton said.
There are many reasons why we don’t respect someone else’s boundaries. For example, we might’ve been raised with different expectations. Even physical touch is something that different families treat in different ways. Some of us like to hug and kiss when we say hello while others believe that shaking hands is perfectly sufficient. Same thing with words!
But if you want to avoid acting like the 'heroes' of this list, here are several suggestions for respecting other people’s boundaries:
- Focus on respect. McNaughton stressed the importance of seeing others as “simply human.” Remember that everyone has thoughts, feelings, plans, dreams, and hopes, he said. Remember that everyone wants to be heard and accepted as they are, he said.
- Listen fully. Listen to another person with the goal of truly understanding them, Orenstein said. “[L]isten to care about them,” McNaughton said. Don’t interrupt, “resist what’s being said or think of what you’re going to say next,” Orenstein said. She also suggested practicing the silent pause: “Completely wait until the other person is finished speaking, take a breath, pause and then respond … You’ll be making space for the other person to express him or herself and get out of the habit of reactivity.”
- Listen for verbal cues. Some verbal cues may be obvious, such as another person saying “I’m uncomfortable sitting so close to you,” or “I’ve asked you before to knock before you come in my house,” Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and executive director of Wasatch Family Therapy, said. Others may be subtle, such as “changing the subject in the midst of a conversation to something less emotionally vulnerable.”
- Pay attention to body language. “[B]ody language often speaks louder than words,” Hanks added. She shared these examples: If someone has their arms folded while they’re talking to you, they might not be open to what you’re saying. If someone is stepping back every few minutes, you might be standing too close and invading their personal space.
The key is mindfulness. We're often simply unaware of what we’re doing and how our actions impact others.
