You can define transgender as a number of things. Some definitions describe it as being a disorder of the brain, some say it’s something that a person is born with and some say that it’s a result of a society with no boundaries but let’s be honest, the truth couldn’t be further away. Being transgender is a struggle, it’s confusing, it’s not a choice it’s just who you are. Kay Jane Browning, one of the UK’s youngest transgender males, knows more about the trials and tribulations of being transgender more than anybody and has spoken out about his journey from female to male.
I found out that his story is not one for the faint-hearted nor one for the dismissive. It highlights what it really means to be a transgender and does not confine to any definition, other than one man's personal experience. In today’s society where sexuality is something readily interchangeable between weekends and something that is dismissed in comedy and passing jokes, we are aiming to highlight the real issues behind sexuality and body image in the hope that you, our readers will be able to identify with it and find yourself more tolerable of differences in people.
Q. I’m going to go ahead and ask you the most obvious question; when did you realise that you were in the wrong body? That you wanted to be a man?
A. That’s not actually the most obvious question believe it or not, most people just want to know why I chose to be a man but my only answer is, I didn’t choose it. When I was little, my mum used to always try and dress me and my sister Kelly up like twins in these truly awful puffed out dresses that you can only imagine Cinderella wearing. When I was really small, like 4 or 5, I was happy to wear whatever my mum put me in because it seemed normal but the older I got the more it became less normal to me, like I just didn’t want to wear a dress or a skirt or a pretty top, I wanted to put on a pair of jeans and a shirt. I can’t say that’s when I realised I was in the wrong body but I just knew something wasn’t right, I didn’t feel like myself.
Q. Did your reluctance to wear girly clothes ever cause a rift between you and your mum? You’re family?
A. I wouldn’t call it a rift, my mum knew as much as I did what I wanted to do and didn’t want to do so she just made peace with me being more of a tomb boy y’know? She just started buying me whatever she knew I would wear, I wasn’t just going to stay naked forever out of stubbornness.
Q. Whilst you were at school, did you ever find it difficult fitting in with people?
A. To be honest, I kind of had a certain level of confidence by the time I got to school. I never identified myself as anything until I got to secondary school so up until then I just got along with everybody. In high school, I identified myself as a lesbian and conformed completely to a stereotypical image and lifestyle of that tag because it was the closest I could get to feeling normal. This definitely made making friends quite difficult because nobody really knew how to take me. I mean how many 12 year old lesbians do you know? I also had a really bad attitude in secondary school, trying to act out the hard man that I desperately wanted to be I think.
Q. But it was never about being gay or straight to you?
A. No, not at all. I have always felt like I wasn’t myself, like you know those bad days that you have where you just don’t feel right and you’re not sure why? Well it was like that but on a much deeper level. It almost felt like I was trapped and had no way out so coming out as gay was kind of a release at the time. It left me feeling that little bit closer to being myself. Being transgender isn’t something that I just fell into because simply being gay wasn’t enough, it’s something that I am, not something I’ve chosen. Even if I had a choice, I don’t think I would have done anything differently, except maybe live in a more understanding neighbourhood because god knows that would have made my journey so much different.
Q. You suffered a lot of abuse, both verbal and physical, growing up in a small town. Can you tell us what happened?
A. I’m happy to talk about it but I just don’t want people taking pity on me. I’ve had everything done to me that you can imagine and probably a lot worse. I was walking home from school one day and I was pinned down by a gang of boys and girls, none of whom I even knew. They starting kicking me and punching me, stripping off my clothes and completely battering me. I remember hearing one of them mention wanting to set fire to my genitals and I just thought that was it, I’m going to die here. I’ve had somebody try to run me over, I’ve been publically stripped off and mocked on a night out by a bunch of men, not boys, fully grown adult men in a club. I look back at all of these things and just use them as ammunition to be a better person, a stronger, more understanding person because that’s the kind of people I wasn’t lucky enough to meet. My friends and family have always been supportive of me and that has been my gripping point. If I ever felt like ending it all, I’d just remind myself of what I’d be leaving behind, especially my sister Kelly. We’ve been close our entire lives and it seems even more so now. She is just my best friend and the most incredible woman. I honestly don’t think I would still be here if it weren’t for her.
Q. but you’re now undergoing hormone replacement therapy so it’s finally happening. Are you scared?
A.I’m not scared at all, which sounds weird to say but I’m not. This is something that I’ve wanted for so long and o much has happened to me up until now because of who I am so, I believe that I’ve come out the other side so to speak and I just feel like it has all been worth it. The hormone replacements aren’t as bitter to handle as everybody says they are because I guess in my mind, I’m already a guy, I have been for a long time. The surgery is a daunting process because that just makes it all so real. It doesn’t scare me in the sense of pain because no pain could ever compare to
3 the pain of being the treated the way I have been by people that I don’t even know but, I guess it’s an emotional thing that I’m still trying to tackle. I’m just happy to be honest, that’s all I can really say about it.
3 the pain of being the treated the way I have been by people that I don’t even know but, I guess it’s an emotional thing that I’m still trying to tackle. I’m just happy to be honest, that’s all I can really say about it.
Q. Lastly, what would you say to anybody struggling with their body image or struggling with their sexuality?
A. I’m not going to sit here and say that you should talk to your family and friends, because it took some of my closest family members and friends a long, arduous amount of time to get their head around what I was telling them, which only made me feel more uncertain about what I was feeling. I will tell you to just talk to somebody, anybody. There are all kinds of people out there now who aren’t going to judge you, who aren’t going to sit you down and tell you that you’re wrong because you’re not. You are whoever you want to be and don’t let being scared change you. You just to have to fight through whatever you have to and stay true to who you know you are. When you get there, to the point where you and everybody around you accept you, the feeling is indescribable.
Photographer: Heidi-Charlotte Murray
Model: Kay J Browning
Model: Kay J Browning
More info: flickr.com
