I am a perfectionist and cannot make a mistake. Doesn't that sound like a stellar interview answer? Isn't that aspirational? Aren't we all in pursuit of perfection?
The answer, and feel free to fight me on this, is a resounding no. For you see, I am completely crippled by anxiety and an inability to perform at any level below 98% (fun fact, I was once asked in therapy what percentage of time do I need to be right and not make any mistakes. I answered 98% and, in sensing my therapist's dismay/disbelief and - ironically - sensing I was making a mistake in my response, I swiftly removed the 2%).
Anxiety is an awful affliction, and I'd love to know at what stage of life other people discovered it was a mental health issue and not a deep-ingrained personality trait. For me, I didn't comprehend until I was in my mid-twenties (I am 30 now) that I was a person with a mental health condition and not a meek blob of worry shapeshifting under a human form.
Alongside professional therapy - which in my experience was fantastic, but also very much in the luxury bracket - I have undertaken a lot of self-help/growth/discovery. In listening to a variety of podcasts, TED talks, audiobooks, and even TikToks, I found comfort in the stories of others. Self-help is such a broad category. Like, what is the best thing to help me if my issues are more complex and multifaceted that an episode of This is Us. What do I search for? Is there a subsection for "scared at life"? I resonated to topics I didn't even realise I had issues with - money, career, parenting, painting nails using a non-dominant hand - the list was endless. It is eye-opening and scary, but liberating at the same time.
I am a mess.
How do you take something so profoundly negative and spin that into something positive? I would love to say I was staring into the moon's second orbit into venus during a summer solstice while eagles sang mercifully overhead, but, alas, no. I was sob crying at work over a relatively minor mistake I made. And I cannot emphasise how many tears I shed; something I reflect on now with the same disgust as Kourtney Kardashian scolding Kim for her lost diamond-earing-in-the-sea meltdown. It was at this moment that I pictured myself as someone in a high-pressure CEO-type role, which, for the record, is the opposite of my job. Picture this: I am John Jonah Jameson Jr, the cigar wielding, no-nonsense publishing boss from the pre-Tony Maguire era Spiderman series, but in female form and less of a moustache (if it's after wax day). You are my employee and you come to me with a problem. It was here in this visualisation I asked myself, what would I do better than anyone? What would I be best at? What am I the CEO of? Without hesitation:
*Worry about things - check
*Panic - check
*Cry over it - hell mutha ****ing yesss gurrl, grab me some tissues
Ironically my anxiety is where my confidence lies. I am someone who doesn't trust her own judgement or even likes/dislikes, but I know unequivocally that my ability to overthink something is sensei-level. I started picturing a platform that welcomed overthinking, that welcomed being vulnerable and a bit of a mess, but positively and to help people grow.
The world is in tatters right now, and as a conscious human with empathy, I am all too aware that my "problems" are pretty obsolete. I have come to realise, however, that the process of discounting, undermining, or (worse) suppressing how I feel can only make things worse. I needed a coping mechanism that was relevant to me - and no doubt thousands of other girls across the world - and effective for personal growth and development.
Introducing: Crying in the Audio Club.
https://cryintheclub.com/
An online social platform, book club, and hub for being vulnerable and crying in a safe place. We celebrate being a bit of a wreck and realise that is strong and it is not a terrible thing. We are growing, learning and evolving humans, with so much to offer the world.
It is free to join, and with any grace of a higher power or algorithm, we can build a really big, supportive and connected community. If you are reading this and resonate with any of my feelings, I implore you to come join and chat.
You can create your own profile and meet likeminded girls from across the world. Share your own library of positive media, from positive YouTube videos to empowering Instagram accounts, and as many books as you can muster. Self-help doesn't have to be factual, or medical, it can be cathartic fiction or a book that kept you awake at night for the multitude of conflicting emotions it conjured up in you.
Every month follows a theme and key audiobook, which we work through together as a group. Money, relationships, grief, loneliness, unrealistic beauty-standards, the list is endless and open to your unique contributions and viewpoints.
You are you - worries, anxiety, fear, doubts et al - and we welcome you with open arms, you beauty.
More info: cryintheclub.com
