It's easy to say I was the victim. It's easy to say he did me wrong. It's easy to say I should have left. But even after being separated from him for 6 years, he still has a hold on me. Why?
Abusers scar their targets. I was not allowed to talk to anyone he did not approve of. He put a keystroke program on my laptop to make sure I was being faithful while he was cheating NON-STOP. Phone and t.v. cords would be taken with him to work so that I was limited on what could be used. But when I confronted him about him treating me like a child, I'd always hear something like, "You shouldn't need to be online. WE met online. You looking for someone else?"
And then I'd feel as though I had done something wrong because I was talking to an old friend who had moved across the world.
I spent 6 years listening to things like, "It doesn't matter how fat you are, I will always love you." Even if I hadn't made a comment about my weight. And, "Sex is just sex. Love it's what's important." That one was usually when I'd catch him cheating.
He made me believe that my parents wouldn't have me and our children in their home if we left. He had "heard them talking" several times about how "it would be too much to handle". If I went out with a female friend, he'd be right there with me, making sure I didn't say anything that could raise a red flag and more than once, he squeezed my leg under the table to remind me of my place.
I never had any bruises. I always wore a smile. But I was always fat. I was always ugly. And nobody would ever love me like he did. So, I did nothing.
My best friend said something to me when we were alone (which was extremely rare) once and it was like a switch flipped in my brain.
"He treats you like he treats your kids."
I didn't have a husband. I had a foster father who had his way with me more often than I wanted. I had three children by him and he spent zero time with any of them. If it wasn't underage with breasts and/or on his computer, he didn't care.
So, I left. I took my children and walked. And you know what? My parents let us move in.
Even after I told him I was filing for divorce, he continued his old tricks. "You look like you lost some weight! What are you at now? 190?" (I was 150) "Your hair looked better the other way." (I dyed it red when I left because he hated redheads) "I'd still take you back if you wanted to keep our family together."
I'm glad I ignored it all.
It's been over half a decade and I write this only now because I had my first triggered meltdown the other day. Something happened and it took me back to our house (that he was never at). I smelled the fragrance of his grandmothers Gold-bond lotion and could feel the draft from a broken window. I was near none of those things and I felt it. I was back there. I was with him again.
After catching my breath, I started to sob. I cried for hours. I felt helpless, broken and ridiculous because the sight of a missing television cord was enough to push me over the edge for the first time in 6 years.
Luckily, a good friend who had also been through a similar situation was online and I messaged her right away. She made me realize that his insecurities were being projected onto me in our relationship and I'm carrying around a ghost of who I was. Any time I look in the mirror, I think I'm fat. Anytime I dye my hair, I think to myself that I'm only doing it because I feel ugly. My ex husband has been locked up over a year ago and I can still hear him whispering damaging things in my ear.
I just want other women who have experienced this type of abuse (and yes, it IS abuse) to know they are not alone and if your partner is showing similar traits like my ex, GET OUT OF THAT, NOW!
