Your spouse can't be your whole life; that's why having friendships is important. 59% of Americans say they have a best friend. Interestingly, for 14%, their best friend is their romantic partner or spouse. But most best friends are either friends or other family members.
This husband had a lifelong best friend, at least as far as his wife knew. She had barely interacted with him, assuming he simply disliked her. However, they were harboring a massive secret, and once the wife found out, all their lives came crumbling down. What hurt even more was that all her friends knew but still never told her what was happening.
Finding out your spouse has a secret always hurts, but this woman had to find out in one of the most humiliating ways possible
During a girls' night, she discovered her husband had been lying to her about his best friend
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People cheat even in happy relationships, and do it most often with people they know well
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There's no way to predict if a person will be cheated on in their marriage. However, sociologists have done some research that suggests with whom people might cheat more often statistically.
Generally, an affair partner is most often a person that the cheating party knows personally. A 2017 study found that 53.5% of people who have cheated in a marriage did so with a close personal friend. Other common affair partners were neighbors, friends, good acquaintances, colleagues, or ex-partners.
Throughout the years, researchers have been trying to pinpoint the exact reasons why people have extramarital affairs. But the reality is that it differs on a case-by-case basis. Nothing excuses cheating, but in some cases, the reasons might be more obvious.
For example, when the couple is already arguing and unhappy, it's easier for the victim of infidelity to understand why that happened. But when everything seems to be going great, like the wife in this story describes it, cheating catches them even more off guard.
Unfortunately, even people in happy relationships cheat. NYC-based psychotherapist and executive coach Moshe Ratson, MBA, MFT, offers these six reasons:
- There are too many temptations around, especially nowadays with dating apps. Our brains may crave immediate gratification.
- The cheater may have low self-esteem and think that they already don't deserve their partner.
- They feel constrained and long for excitement.
- Their physical or emotional (or both) intimacy needs are unmet by their partner.
- They have unresolved past trauma, leading them to self-sabotage.
People may be scared to tell a friend their partner is cheating, but experts say honesty is the best policy
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In this story, the cheating itself was brutal enough. However, the fact that all of the woman's friends knew about it and didn't tell her just makes the betrayal that much worse. Her story isn't one-of-a-kind; friends often feel conflicted about whether they should tell a person that their spouse is cheating.
According to a 2017 UK YouGov poll, 53% of Brits say they would tell a friend that their spouse is cheating. 15% claimed they would keep it a secret, and 27% would feel conflicted about what to do. Interestingly, the older people get, the less likely they would be to disclose such a secret.
An American clinical psychologist and the co-founder of the Gottman Institute, Julie Gottman, believes it's always best to tell. "The longer the cheating goes on, the more pain your friend is going to experience when they eventually figure it out," she says. In fact, a friend not telling is colluding with the person who is cheating, resulting in double the betrayal.
At the same time, it's understandable why some friends might choose not to tell. They may think it's not their place, not have enough evidence, or worry that their friend is not going to believe them and side with the cheater.
Intimacy and relationship therapist Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy approached this issue with some considerations when she talked to Narcity. "I think it depends on the friendship, I think it depends on the history of that relationship. I think it depends on what you know."
"It's certainly a delicate thing to bring up in a friendship. But a lot of friendships and a lot of relationships are rooted in honesty and trust. And so, if that's a value of yours as a friend, then you might want to delicately approach it."
The woman didn't deny still loving her husband: "It's hard to see him as anything other than my soulmate"
But the commenters gave her a reality check: "You deserve so much more"
The woman came back with an update about what happened when she confronted her husband
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People had a hard time grasping how someone could treat a person so horribly
Later, the woman clarified some misconceptions: "I may have been naive, but I am not stupid"
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Then, eight months later, she came back with a final update
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Commenters were glad the woman stood up for herself and put herself first
