Keeping the fire burning in a long-term relationship or marriage is not always easy. Especially when there are kids involved and both parents are juggling work and family commitments. One study found that a lack of emotional connection is the reason 41% of relationships end. Partners purely drift apart over time and don't ever resolve their issues.
A heartbroken wife has shared how her husband of more than 9 years disappointed her on their recent anniversary. She was hoping they could do a lunch or dinner date and asked him to ask his mother to babysit their 3 kids. The husband flat-out told her his mom was too busy. When the anniversary rolled around, the man went on a date with his mother. His wife is seeking advice on how to survive in a "loveless marriage." Bored Panda reached out to renowned psychotherapist and best-selling author Anna Mathur. We also spoke to Kansas State University's Professor Amber Vennum, an expert in the field of couple and family therapy.
This woman says she's only gone on about 5 dates with her husband in the past 10 years
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So when he passed up the opportunity to spend quality time with her on their anniversary, she didn't take it well
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Don't panic if your flame sometimes flickers and doesn't burn bright
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Anna Mathur is a renowned psychotherapist, speaker and author. Plenty of people turn to her for relationship advice. She told Bored Panda that love and passion change throughout the course of a relationship. "The flame doesn’t have to look the same as it did in the early days," Mathur said during an interview.
She says that often, it’s about keeping emotional closeness alive through small, intentional gestures. "Carving out protected time together, even just 15 minutes of undistracted conversation, can help couples reconnect amidst the noise," Mathur suggested, adding that it’s also important to stay curious about each other.
"Ask questions, make eye contact, show interest in their inner world... not just in the logistics of life. Physical affection matters too, even if it's a simple touch in passing. It’s less about grand gestures and more about consistent, everyday effort," she said.
Love, over time, will change shape, Mathur tells Bored Panda. "It won't always feel exciting or effortless, and that's not a sign of failure... it’s a sign of life happening. The couples who last are often not the ones who never struggle, but the ones who know how to return to each other after the struggle. Sometimes keeping love alive means choosing each other again, even when it would be easier to drift apart."
Don't wait until it is too late... the experts' advise when it comes to avoiding drifting apart
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There are many reasons why couples might drift apart and become emotionally disconnected: unresolved issues, old resentments, financial strain, individual problems, and, of course, the added responsibility of caring for children and holding down a job.
Sometimes, couples aren't even aware that they're growing apart and not together until it's too late. One study found that 41% of relationships end because of emotional distance. The partners have drifted so far away from each other that they feel it's best not to even bother trying to find their way back.
Professor Amber Vennum is an expert in the field of couple and family therapy. She cautions that it's essential for couples to still carve out time for the relationship on a weekly basis to reconnect and have fun together. Even when the demands of work and parenting seem overwhelming.
"Additionally, research on maintaining relationship quality often highlights the importance of partners consistently expressing appreciation for each other and tuning in to what each other needs to cope with busy career and family demands," Vennum told Bored Panda.
We asked the expert what advice she has for two people who find they are living past each other, hardly speaking, and barely spending time together. "If the relationship is valued, adjust your schedule and get creative with each other to make time for it," Vennum advises. "Relationships need to be prioritized enough to still feel connected and valued by each other."
Getting creative about when and how you spend time with each other has hidden benefits. Trying out activities that neither of you have yet done can help to bring you closer.
"What makes a new activity so beneficial is that it’s owned by the couple and not one partner; it's uniquely specific to their relationship," notes the Psychology Today site. "Additionally, when we’re involved in something new, we have to work our way through it together with our partner, and that can make us feel more bonded."
It can also lead to personal growth and, perhaps best of all, laughter. "The awkwardness that’s often associated with learning new things can be amusing, and laughing with and at each other can definitely make you feel more connected," the site adds.
Mathur's advice for when things get tough is for couples to communicate. "Start by naming it, gently and without blame. Use ‘I feel' statements’ rather than ‘you make me feel X’.. Many couples find themselves in a stage where they feel more like housemates or co-parents than partners, and that experience is more common than we talk about," she told us.
The psychotherapist says you could begin with something like, "I miss you." Sometimes that one phrase can open a door, Mathur revealed.
"From there, create small rituals of connection, a shared coffee, a check-in at the end of the day, even a walk without phones," she added. "If the disconnection runs deeper, couples therapy can offer a space to explore what's under the surface and rebuild together, especially if conversations or arguments feel like they go around in circles."
And when is it time to throw the towel in on the relationship? Vennum says it's different for each person. "Reasons people may call it quits are wanting different things out of the relationship or life, having very different core values, having a partner who consistently engages in hurtful behaviors even when they’ve been asked to stop (this is called continuation), and when reasonable efforts to improve the relationship repeatedly fail."
The expert added that a common challenge is people waiting until one partner has one foot out the door or is threatening to end it before seeking professional help.
"If it’s a relationship you value, seek help before resentment and hurt have carved a deep wedge between you," she warns. "It’s important to note that everyone has different bottom lines, but if you feel unsafe in the relationship, it is important to get help leaving since that is when violence can escalate."
Mathur agrees. "This is such a personal decision," she told Bored Panda. "But some common signs include repeated patterns of emotional harm, feeling consistently unseen or dismissed, or when efforts to reconnect are always one-sided. If love starts to feel like loneliness, and if staying begins to erode your sense of self or safety, it may be time to step back and reflect."
However, Mathur says many relationships go through painful seasons and can still repair and strengthen. "The question is not just 'am I unhappy?' But is there the willingness and capacity on both sides to work toward change?'"
People came forward with advice for the wife, with some suggesting a divorce
