Being in a happy and successful marriage takes a lot of work from both partners. However, sometimes, no matter how much work you put in, the relationship might fail because one of the partners is being drawn to toxic or even abusive behavior. But sometimes those who are in such a relationship might not understand how much of a threat they are until someone else notices it. One Reddit user, a 26-year-old woman, decided to share a situation that involved her husband and her that made a lot of people online question their whole marriage and wonder whether the woman is in a toxic relationship.
The author of the post started her story by sharing that her 23-year-old husband has been sick for a while. Despite the man having to be in bed, the situation wasn’t that serious: he was able to eat and go to the bathroom by himself. This was important because the woman wanted to attend her brother’s wedding and having in mind that her husband could take care of himself, she decided to go. The husband wasn’t happy with her decision and even got mad to the point where he said that he hoped she wouldn’t come back.
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Having a successful marriage means that two people are there for each other and they understand their significant other's needs
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Despite their disagreement, the woman went to her brother’s special celebration. Everything was fine until she got a message from her husband who said that he had fallen down the stairs and was badly hurt. This, of course, startled the young woman. When she tried calling her husband, he didn’t answer, so she went back home as soon as possible. Once she was there, she ran to the stairs, but there was no sign of the man.
The woman then went to the bedroom where she found her husband laying in bed totally fine, busy drinking his juice. This scene got the wife really mad, so another argument ensued. Not only was she mad that her husband lied, but also that he made her miss one of the most important occasions in their family’s history. However, the man didn’t see what he did wrong, as he was convinced that this all could’ve happened and she was in the wrong for leaving him.
Reddit user decided to ask people online if she was wrong for getting mad at her husband who lied to her about being hurt so she would come back home to him early
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The situation reached its peak when the woman started yelling at the husband and he then proceeded to cry and spill his juice all over the room. The author of the post thought that perhaps calling his sister would help the situation, but it only made it worse, as the sister decided to back up her brother, stating that she shouldn’t leave him all by himself when he’s sick. OP then decided to leave the house and stay with her family. However, the whole argument got her thinking that maybe she was in the wrong in this situation, so she decided to ask others online what were their thoughts on the matter.
Users online thought that the woman was right in this situation, but they were very much alarmed by the things her husband did and said. A lot of them even advised the woman to leave the man as he seemed full of red flags, spreading abusive comments. Commentators online seemed to notice a bunch of small yet important signs that the woman might not have noticed to be that harmful.
The husband didn't want his wife to leave him alone, so he texted her that he had fallen down the stairs while she attended the ceremony
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“He said he hoped I wouldn't ever come back,” shared the woman in her post, stating that it was only said because the man was very upset. However, this demeaning phrase seemed to be a red flag for some of the readers online. Together with this, they noticed how the husband tries to limit his wife from seeing her family, lying to get her back home, and even throwing a tantrum that you would only expect from a toddler.
Very often women who suffer from toxic or even abusive relationships fail to notice and admit that they are in one. And even if they understand the severity of the situation, they don’t know what to do or where to go. There are different types of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, social, financial, and even spiritual. So if you think that as long as your partner is not raising their hand at you, you’re fine, there might be other ways they can try to hurt you.
Bored Panda contacted Dr. Jason Whiting, who is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an author of the book “Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways We Deceive in Relationships” for more insights on the matter. Very often, a person who is in an abusive relationship doesn’t necessarily understand that they are in one. What are some of the casual-looking signs that one of the partners might show that are actually abusive behavior? “When partners use deception to get what they want, it is a bad sign. Sometimes people think of controlling behavior as threats of violence, but it also includes guilt trips, pressure, and shaming, which was the case here. The husband put a lot of pressure on the wife to stay, and disregarded her obligations to her own family, which is pretty selfish, unless he was truly dying or needed minute to minute care (in which case he should be in the hospital). Then he lied to get her to come back home, and he did it in a childish way. Deception is almost always unhealthy, and often abusive when used to manipulate,” explained the specialist.
Once the startled woman was back and realized that nothing had happened, a huge argument between the couple started
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The woman even talked to her husband's sister who agreed with the brother, saying that she shouldn't have left, making the wife doubt her decision
Image credits: throwra32343456
How do you detect an abusive relationship? A person that has a tendency to such behavior is often times possessive, meaning that they won’t let their partner see their family and friends, they need to know where their significant other is at all times and with whom they spend their time. This is also followed by extreme jealousy and accusations of cheating. Abusers don’t miss an opportunity to blame their victims for something, put them down privately and even in front of others. They often threaten their spouses, throw and break their things, or hit them.
Those who suffer from such behavior have to understand that under no circumstances do they have to suffer this. But getting away from this kind of situation is not that easy. Dr. Whiting also shared what to do in such a situation, stressing the importance of communication: “Conversations with others can be helpful, including with professionals. Caution needs to be taken, however, because most people will be sympathetic, and the story may become distorted or one-sided.” But is it possible to stay in this kind of relationship and somehow save it? “Anytime a relationship is becoming controlling there should be professional consultation, which can help to sort through the many issues that are coming up. A licensed marriage and family therapist has good training in relationship issues,” concluded the therapist. He also explained that “sometimes people who are controlling can change, although it is difficult. It often arises from insecurities or fears, which can be treated and improved, if the person is open to it.”
The author of the post then went to share her situation online and get some opinions
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According to Choosing Therapy, a community that provides people with mental-health-related content and experienced therapists, there are ways one can help themselves in situations like this.
First of all, it’s crucial to assess the situation as it is and don’t dismiss those red flags. It’s not easy to take this all in, especially if the abuser is your loved one. So you need to talk to someone that you trust and who would take you in if things get really dangerous. Another piece of advice is a more practical one: having a bag with the most important things ready. It’s even advised to have a separate phone or another electronic device that the abuser doesn’t know about, so they won’t be able to trace you. No matter how hard it might seem, talking about abuse is essential as a neglectful point of view might cost its victims their life.
What is your take on this situation? Don't forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
People online were quick to agree with her, also raising some concerns about her husband's abusive behavior
