Insults can come in many forms, but just because words don’t leave visible marks doesn’t mean they don’t pack a punch.
In fact, a well-aimed verbal jab can haunt you for years—like those 3 a.m. memories that crawl back when you can’t sleep, reminding you of that joke a classmate made at your expense in 7th grade.
In the long term, these put-downs can chip away at our confidence and happiness, explains Neel Burton, a psychiatrist, philosopher, and writer, in a piece for Psychology Today. Even casual digs and microaggressions can, over time, lead to feelings of isolation, anger, anxiety, and depression.
So while it’s entertaining to watch someone else deliver a savage comeback, it’s a different story when we’re the ones on the receiving end. How do we handle it?
Burton outlines six options to consider:
- Anger
- Acceptance
- Returning the insult
- Humor
- Ignoring the insult
- Rebuking the insulter
Let’s break them down.
Anger, according to Burton, is actually a weak response to an insult.
Because it shows that we take the insult, and therefore the insulter, seriously. It implies we believe there might be some truth to what was said. Plus, it throws us off balance, which not only feels awful but can also encourage more insults to come our way.
So while it’s natural to feel hurt, letting rage take over doesn’t exactly look cool.
Acceptance might seem like the weaker choice, yet Burton believes it’s actually the most powerful way to respond.
“If the insult is true or largely true, the person it came from is reasonable, and his or her motive is worthy, then the insult is not an insult but a statement of fact, and, moreover, one that could be very helpful to us,” he says.
It might actually help us grow if we’re open to constructive criticism.
“On the other hand, if you think that the person who insulted you is unworthy of your consideration, you have no reason to take offence, just as you have no reason to take offence at a naughty child or a barking dog,” Burton says.
Then there’s the classic move: returning the insult.
A sharp comeback can feel satisfying, but to land well, it needs to be clever and quick. Burton reminds us, however, that trading insults puts us on the same level as the insulter:
Doing this gives them, their actions, and their words more importance than they deserve. Firing back can also hurt the other person (who’s likely pretty sensitive) and might lead to even more back-and-forth.
That said, if you can spin it with humor, it can lighten the moment without turning it into a fight. Humor defuses tension while undercutting the sting of the insult, and it doesn’t have to be a direct hit back.
Of course, there’s always the option to ignore the insult, whether that means keeping a straight face, closing the tab, or blocking the person entirely. Showing that it didn’t matter to you can be the most powerful statement of all.
However, ignoring isn’t always the best approach, especially in professional settings. In these cases, it’s often better to have a calm but firm conversation to reassert your boundaries.
