A Collection Of History Jokes That Never Go Out Of Date

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43.

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

Why does history keep repeating itself?

Because we weren’t listening the first time.

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

Last night on Dancing with the Tsars, Peter and Catherine were great, but Ivan was terrible.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

Russian history in 5 words: "And then things got worse."

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius.

Because I'm not dead.

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please!”

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.

He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe.

What do you call a Medieval spy?

Sir Veillance.

A history degree is useless.

Because there's no future in it.

The floor is lava!

Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.