37 Best Roasts In History, Because Roasting People Is A Timeless Art

"Shortly before World War I, the German Kaiser was the guest of the Swiss government to observe military maneuvers. The Kaiser asked a Swiss militiaman: 'You are 500,000 and you shoot well, but if we attack with 1,000,000 men what will you do?' The soldier replied: 'We will shoot twice and go home.'"

"Someone asked Gandhi what he thought of Christianity. He said something like "I like your Christ. I wish your Christians were more like your Christ."'

"I don't know if it can be considered a roast, but I always enjoyed the story of President Coolidge at a dinner party. Coolidge was known to be a man of few words and so the woman next to him informed him that she had bet someone she could get more than two words out of him, to which he replied "You lose."'

"The count of Innsbruck (Germany) told the french pirate Dugay-Trouin "You fight for gold when we fight for glory", to what Dugay-Trouin replied "Yes sir, we all fight for what we lack.'"

"When a couple of Frenchmen turned away from the Duke of Wellington at a diplomatic event, a woman apologized to him for their behavior. He responded by saying "I have seen their backs before, madam."'

"Winston Churchill to Lady Astor or Bessie Braddock: "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly."'

"After invading southern Greece and receiving the submission of other key city-states, Philip II of Macedon sent a message to Sparta: "If I invade Laconia you will be destroyed, never to rise again."

The Spartan ephors replied with a single word: "If".

Subsequently, neither Philip nor his son Alexander the Great attempted to capture the city. Philip is also recorded as approaching Sparta on another occasion and asking whether he should come as friend or foe; the reply was "Neither"."

The-big-ouch said:
"A pirate known as jean lefitte had a bounty of $500 put on him by a governor. So he put a $5000 bounty on the governor."

OutOrNout replied:
"No u."

"In the 1970s the small town of Vulcan, West Virginia asked for state funding to replace a bridge into town. The state legislature refused to grant Vulcan the funding they needed. Instead the town appealed to the Soviet Union for aid. After hearing about the request, the state legislature immediately granted over $1 million for the town to build a new bridge.

If a small town in WV asking for soviet funding in the middle of the Cold War isn’t a big middle finger to the state government, then I don’t know what is."

Xanderab said:
"Alexander the Great found the philosopher (Diogenes) looking attentively at a pile of human bones. Diogenes explained, "I am searching for the bones of your father but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave."

Good_old_Marshmallow replied:
"When Alexander first found him he offered the man anything to become his teacher. His request was that Alexander move a bit to the left to give him more shade.

Atleast that's the story I read."

"Paratroopers in World War Two during the battle of the Bulge were asked to surrender. "Surrender you're surrounded" Their reply "We're paratroopers were SUPPOSED to be surrounded!"'

Rag_H_Neqaj said:
"The officer who said "Nuts!" to the germans asking him to surrender during WW2."

CarpeCyprinidae replied:
"Bastogne, General McAuliffe. Patton: "A man that eloquent must be saved" - and he did..."

BEEF_WIENERS also replied:
"General McAuliffe and all of the men who were, as the story goes, trapped behind enemy lines, all maintained in their after action reports and in subsequent interviews that no, they did not need to be saved, they were not trapped, they were fine.

By the way, they were from the 101st Airborne, Easy Company. That part's in Band of Brothers, and every episode has interviews with actual members of Easy Company in it, and in that one - yes, they categorically deny that they needed rescuing."

"Benjamin Disraeli and a lord of sandwich, not sure which one:

"I do not know whether you shall die on the gallows or of the pox."

"That depends whether I embrace your morals or your mistress."'

"Stalin was angry at Tito, the ruler of Yugoslavia, because Tito refused to join the Warsaw pact. In retaliation, Stalin sent a number of Soviet assassins to try to kill Tito, all of which were unsuccessful.

In a letter to Stalin, Tito wrote this:

"Stop sending people to kill me. We've already captured five of them... If you don't stop sending killers, I'll send a very fast working one to Moscow. And I certainly won't have to send another."

Josip Broz Tito? More like Josip Brass Balls Tito."

"A reporter once asked Mahatma Gandhi, "What do you think of western civilization?" He replies, "I think it would be a good idea."'

"Prince of Wales: "I've spent enough on you to build a battleship!"

Lillie Langtry: "And you've spent enough in me to float one."'

"Sultan Mehmed IV of the Ottoman Empire asked the Zaporozhian Cossacks (basically part of the Ukraine) to submit to him voluntarily after they beat his army in combat. Instead they wrote him a letter including such delightful turns of phrase as "What the devil kind of knight are you, that can't slay a hedgehog with your naked arse?" and "the devil s**ts, and your army eats."'

"Letter sent by the Cleveland Browns to one of their season ticket holders.

Dude complained about paper airplanes and sent a letter into the Browns. They responded with "I feel you should be aware some a**hole is signing your name to stupid letters."'

"Christopher Hitchens;

"If you gave [Jerry] Falwell an enema he could be buried in a matchbox."'

I-Do-Doodles said:
"During the elections of 1800, Thomas Jefferson hired a newspaper editor named James Calendar to write and publish the mist vile things about his opponent, John Adams, including "Adams had a hideous, hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman."'

El_G0rdo replied:
"To which Adams retaliated by telling all the newspapers to run stories saying that Jefferson had died."