“Theoretically, the holidays should be a time of joy and relaxation and fun. But when you have a difficult family dynamic, it can feel like the holidays are work,” says therapist Erica Turner, LMFT.
It’s totally normal to feel disappointed over it, as holidays don’t always go (and don’t have to) perfectly.
“Lots of families struggle with these issues,” says Turner to Wondermind. “And it's OK to grieve that Christmas is a little bit more complicated since your parents got divorced or Thanksgiving is tough because you guys have really different political views.”
But if difficult family dynamics hindered the holiday cheer last year, expect it to happen again, says Turner.
Therefore, to minimize the chance of disputes and clashing, try spending less time with those who tend to trigger you or distract yourself by watching movies or playing monopoly, she suggests. “The hope is that you expand the opportunities for joy and you limit the opportunities for conflict.”
Mental preparation for anything that can come out of the relatives mouth can also help with that.
When that fails, experts recommend drawing boundaries. If a discussion or conflict we’d rather not be a part of arises, it’s important to communicate that. Nicolle Osequeda, LMFT, from Lincoln Park Therapy Group suggests saying, “This fighting is upsetting to me and I don’t want to leave, but I am not going to stay if this continues.”
In case family members start criticizing or judging, it’s appropriate to tell them to stop with phrases like, “I don’t appreciate you saying that to me," “I don’t understand what your intention was with that comment," and “I am asking you to stop saying things like that.”
If, before even arriving, you know you won’t be able to endure all-day family shenanigans, it’s also absolutely okay to set limits. Saying something like this will politely communicate your point. “I’ll be there! I plan to arrive around 3pm and will have to leave by 6pm, but I’m glad I’ll be able to join for a few hours.”
