The Pinnacle Of Dad Humor, As Shared By This Online Community (26 Jokes)

Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?
Because he's a neck romancer.

EDIT: getting downvoted, might have been a grave mistake posting here...

EDIT 2: getting a lot of upvotes now, I guess the Count is rising

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said... "...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

My local barber was arrested yesterday for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years. Didn't even know he was a barber!

My son asked why Star Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3.
I answered in my best yoda impersonation: ‘In charge of scheduling, I was’

My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again

I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit

My wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month... To my surprise, the calendar skipped from April to June. I turned to tell her we're missing a month.

She said, "What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed..."

She's apparently been waiting a month for this set up

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”

The wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…

“Here, let me give you a hand”

She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing

A guy went to a costume party carrying a woman on his back. The doorman asks, 'What are you supposed to be?' The guy replies, 'A turtle.' The doorman asks, “What’s on your back?' The guy says, 'That's Michelle.'

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... “That’s just spam.”

The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Just got a pet termite called Clint—Clint Eats Wood.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian